Week 1 cont. – I just can’t cry

There is a God.

You want evidence? Britt is gone. I mean, she’s never gone because there is still suffering in the world. Loss and heartache. Poverty and tragedy. All of it is attributed to Britt who is just the suckiest. BUT, we don’t have to watch her bad-act for the summer. She tried so hard to muster actual tears last night but again, she’s a waitress in Hollywood which is shorthand for Out of work actress. Do you think Natalie Portman would’ve had any trouble producing tears? No, because she’s a real actress in real films, like The Phantom Menace and No Strings Attached.

Would it have been kinda fun to watch Britt and a handful of douchebags try to out mug each other for three months? I don’t know. If you’re going to watch a train wreck I guess it’s always best to see your mortal enemies inside. And yet I’m happy it’s Kaitlyn. Because I think she’s genuinely up for finding love. And I am a believer.

Let’s remember what happened last night. Oh, and a quick note that I did not watch the “This season on the bachelorette” because I hate spoilers.

Pictures to come next week when people stop being polite and start getting real.

  • J. Went from loving Britt at first sight and overprotecting her, to feeling deeply for Kaitlyn…all in the same night. J.J sucks, maybe harder than any other guy.
  • Ugly Ryan Gosling is painful. He even talks really slowly and deeply. Like, it’s got to hurt his vocal chords to push his range down that low. But the guy is really committed to Gos-slinging his game around the mansion.
  • There are a bunch of dark haired guys with really closely set eyes. Tall dark and dumb looking.
  • Ian, the Princeton runner who survived a car accident is this seasons, “I care too much too fast” guy. He’s way too into Kaitlyn and he’s gonna pay the price. We can see it happening. It’s like when Old Yeller got bitten and you just knew what would eventually happen. Yes, Ian is going to get shot in a shed in the next few weeks.
  • Could this be the first season in history with two Bens in the final four? Ben the software salesmen is objectively the best looking. And Ben Z, the crossfit guy is maybe the best suited for Kaitlyn. She’s just a blue collar gal. She needs a guy with thick arms and tribal tattoos. A guy that still listens to 311, doesn’t know much about politics but hates the Iraq. A guy that buys cologne and could build you a deck. Ben Z is most of those things, guaranteed.
  • How about that guy’s forehead? You know who I’m talking about. It’s really tall, and he chooses to wear his hair sticking straight up. It’s like there’s a body, then a neck, then that rock from Close encounters of the third kind where a head should be. He’s nice though. Nice, southern dude.
  • The dentist has some game. I feel like dentists smile with teeth a lot. I mean, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. But if you can have a boring, high-paying job AND have a little fresh-and-flirty game, you could go far in this thing.
  • Kupah, the trophy-wife seeker is like at least 1 year younger than I am. He seems like the dirty uncle in a Tyler Perry movie, or a rich but abusive banker in a different Tyler Perry movie. I don’t like him but I don’t think he’ll be around long enough to fully hate him. He’s the kind of guy that collects really bad art because art collecting is something he thinks a rich person does. Like, I’ll bet he’s really annoying to drink wine with.
  • Brady the soft-speaking Nashville hipster took himself out of the game to go see about a girl. Don’t sully Good Will Hunting quotes, man! You’re a breathy douchebag and you think Britt is awesome because she’s the girl version of you. Man, if those two got married could you imagine having them as neighbors? They’d kill your property values. Still, I’m curious to see what, if anything, comes of it all.
  • Tony the Healer needed to take a second out on a bench. That seems about right.
  • It was full-on morning when the guys left. Hats off to them. That is a super long night of having to be on. I had a hard enough time getting through an hour episode of the show.

Here are some predictions. And remember, I didn’t watch the “This season on”

  1. My final four is murky but I’ll set as:
    1. Ben Z. – Crossfit guy
    2. Ben Software
    3. The Dentist
    4. Ugly Ryan Gosling
  2. J will rub the guys the wrong way.
  3. Sky’s dad won’t be there for the right reasons.
  4. Corey something from Texas is my dark horse. He’s blonde so he stands out from the rest of the guys. I feel like he has a normal job. He doesn’t seem douchey.
  5. The fashion designer will be kind of a prissy, dandy-boy who all of us wish would be punched in the stomach by the welder-with-a-heart-of-gold, aka Idaho.

Enjoy Memorial Day weekend. Get tan. Get hot-dogged. Get into those white pants (FINALLY!!!!)


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