Hello, and welcome again to the continuation of one straight guy’s journey to understand all that makes up the modern woman–strange cocktail dresses, fake eyelashes, and a diet of chardonnay, red bull, and that gel that gets all over your mouth after using teeth-whitening strips.
For the next few months, we will be on another quest to find forever love. This time, with a self-deprecating farmer who also probably just learned how to ride a motorcycle, because that’s not at all the most cliché thing producers could do to sell us on Chris having a bad boy side.
Because last night was a three hour celebration, and because I’m sick, I’ll be providing this recap using bullets. Pictures will come next week. It’s just too much right now for one man to bare. Oh, and remember that I am an idiot and will probably say something that offends you. If I make fun of the family of ladies in last night’s studio audience who had John-and-Kate-plus-8 haircuts, and your aunt also has that haircut, I am sorry. If your sister has crazy eyes, I am sorry. I love all of you. You are all wonderful. And I’m sorry. Also, please feel free to forward to everyone you know.
Ok, let’s get deeper. Let’s get intimate.
- An hour long red carpet show are you kidding me? The same people who made fools of themselves on TV are now back to try and sell us on their celebrity? can’t do it. I couldn’t do it. Fast forward.
- Gratuitous outdoor shower scene of our bachelor? Check. Does Chris get to keep the shower? Or do producers tear it down immediately after filming?
- The girls start arriving and first out of the limo is Britt. She’s overly emotional in that way that suggests she’s banking on meeting her husband in that moment. It’s a little awkward until Chris is overcome by the same feelings. This could get interesting…
- Kelsey is the widower from Austin. How can you not root for her? She has so many things going for her, like an appropriately-pitched voice and,…actually I’m just gonna stop right there. With this crop of women, that’s all she should need to win. But we’ll see.
- On the other end of the spectrum is a woman with crazy eyes who doesn’t like to work or cook or clean so she lives with her mom.
- If there’s one thing I know guys like it’s a giant, mannish weightlifter lady who admits to being overly-competitive and flexes her biceps to convey any and all emotions. She is the worst. I’ll bet she eats a lot of garlic before workouts. The thought of her talking too closely and too loudly makes me want to run into the ocean. You know when you walk into a house immediately after somebody has showered and the place smells like soap and shampoo? She is the exact opposite of that.
- The girl got out of the limo in shorts and a flannel. Right then it was the best limo gimmick of all time. THEN, she changed, snuck back into the limo and came out again! It was genius! At that point she was one bad back tattoo away from being perfect. But she started drinking whisky in that way that girls sometimes overdue something they think guys like. That lead to one of the most intense rose ceremony performances of the ages. Was she going to fall over? Would she barf on the woman in front of her? I really thought Tara would be the first woman to poop her pants on reality TV. We almost witnessed history. The fall of the Berlin Wall. OJ Simpson in a white bronco. Tara pooping her pants. So close to something truly special.
- The lucky penny girl got out of the limo and acted like a blind person who was seeing for the first time. Like Val Kilmer in that one movie. Val Kilmer, am I right? The Saint? McGruber? He had it all. But back to the lucky penny girl. She is spectacular. The whole onion thing was on another level. Her bucket list story about sunflower fields and horses. The way she stood 5 feet away from everybody else but was always the only person to comment on stuff. Where does a person like this come from? How does she get a job, get dressed in the morning, not burn herself on a hot stove or drown in the shower? She might be my favorite lady in the franchise’s history. She really is like an onion.
- Kaitlyn sucks. She was the gal who told Chris that he could plow the eff out of her. Then inside, she said “Hey, how about I tell a joke because when I tell jokes people laugh.” Then she kept telling unfunny, dirty jokes. She really, really wants us to think she’s funny. Like, something bad happened to her in life. She’s the kind of gal that keeps telling people, “this is who I am. Love me or hate me.” and we’re all like, “yeah we hate you. Please just go away and stop telling us that. We’ve chosen. You suck. Don’t teach us how to breakdance. Don’t tell us jokes and then tell us to laugh. Just. Stop. You smell like when a kid eats a Slim Jim and then burps.”
- [30 minutes discussed about how there are only 15 women]
- Oh my gosh did Britt and Chris almost kiss? That would’ve been nuts! Wow!
- Trina is this year’s most likely to: refer to minorities as “those people”. I’m not saying she’s probably a racist. I’m just saying she probably thinks black people are less than. And also asians, latinos, women, liberals, and dogs that don’t fit in purses.
- There’s a lady named “Tandra”. That is stupid.
- Brittany is a giant wrestler with pink eye in a tiny white dress with a cardboard sign that has a hashtag on it. She makes the name “Tandra” sound like a good idea.
- Windsor got a rose. She was either drunk or having a stroke. Either way I think we need to call a hospital.
- I don’t understand Jade’s dress. It’s see through. Isn’t this a family show? Oh, it’s not? Oh, then yeah. I get it. B00bs.
- The flight attendant looks like she has bitter beer face from those Keystone Light commercials from the ‘90s. And not in a good way.
- OH MY GOSH CHRIS AND BRITT JUST KISSED AND THEY’RE TALKING LIKE IT’S LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT AND THIS THING COULD BE OVER BEFORE IT STARTS!!!!!!!!!!!
- Kara the high school girl’s soccer coach looks a little like Judith Light from Who’s the Boss. Judith Light now, in 2015.
- Becca is a 4th grade teacher who didn’t get a ton of screen time tonight but I’m calling her my official dark horse. She came with a sweet letter from a fake student. She seems totally normal and likable. Definitely one to watch.
- Finally, the sad yoga teacher didn’t get a rose but decided to go back into the party????? What happened? I guess they ran out of broadcast time to let us know. 3 hours just was not enough.
- My, It’s-way-too-early-to-guess final four is: Britt, Whitney the high-voiced fertility doctor, Becca the teacher, and Tara the Onion. Because she’s an onion and “when you have an onion you stab it and peel it em kay?” OK fine, we don’t like in a dream world where something that great could happen. I’ll go with that random gal in the shimmery dress that got almost no time but really impressed in the looks department.
Next week things get real. And we only have to watch for two hours.