Week 1 – On a scale from 1-10 you’re a billion

Hello friends. We’re back with The Bacholerette, or as it should be titled—Diet Bachelor. What better time than spring to fall in love with an amateur sex coach, a healer, or a former investment banker. Are we ready for another journey? It seems like just yesterday that Chris (Cross will Make Ya) Soules was walking us around the brick-walled bars of Des Moins, Iowa. We invested our hearts and it was tiring.

If I had to guess I’d say you’re probably one of the following:

I didn’t realize it was on because I don’t have a DVR. Instead I spend my money on kayaks, festivals, weekend hikes, and literature. I can wear a v-neck tee-shirt and not look like I have man-boobs. I have that freedom.
I did realize it was on but I just couldn’t. I just didn’t have it in me. I’m only one (wo)man and two hours of this stuff just felt like too much.
I watched it but multitasked because I’m an important person with things to do.
I popped some corn and watched with wrapped attention.
I went out and got my nose pierced at Claire’s in the mall because I am on team Kaitlyn.
I haven’t showered in 2 weeks because I think Britt is the best (even though she’s worst. If you ever see her, do what the Bible says and “turn and flee!”) Britt is like Medusa. If you look at her you fall under her spell and it’s over. Your life is over.

Whoever you are, know that I love you.

Oh, and remember that I am an idiot and will probably say something that offends you. If I make fun of a man for having a stripper face and your dad has a stripper face, I’m sorry. I’m just a man, trying to wade his way through, trying to work out what he’s seen. We’re all in this together.

Let’s try to remember some things. More bullets!

HOW DARE YOU, CHRIS HARRISON! HOW DARE YOU TO BE CONTINUE US LIKE THAT. WE GAVE YOU TWO HOURS. SOME OF US STAYED UP LATE AND NOW WE’RE TIRED AND OUR WORK PLACES WON’T GET OUR BEST.
That felt good.
Britt and Caitlyn…Katelyn? Kaitlyn? I don’t know. Not much has changed with our ladies. Britt isn’t wearing as much turquoise jewelry and the pink lipstick is gone. Kaitlyn looks the same.
I feel like we’ve got a high level of douche, which is good for us.
What’s up with all the solid silk ties, tied with giant knots? These guys are reaching, deep into the 2000’s. Somebody put an issue of GQ on the toilet in the mansion. Give these guys a hand!
Was anybody fooled by the fireman turned stripper? He just has a face for stripping and that’s not a compliment. If I’m on trial and facing jail I don’t want my lawyer to have dumb-face. I don’t want him wearing bedazzled jeans.
There’s a dentist who looks like a dentist.
There’s a guy that looks like if Ryan Gosling fell into an ugly machine. Like, at some point he heard somebody tell him that he kind of looks like Ryan Gosling and then he decided to just go for it with Ryan’s clothes and his haircut. It’s like Trashley trying to look like Kim Kardashian. It just makes you look like a homelessman’s celebrity. Don’t do it. I know this. I went through it myself in college when somebody told me I Iook a little like Seal. hashtagkissfromarose
There’s a guy named Ben. I think he sells software. He could be the best looking guy there. I’m calling final 4 regardless of who the bachelorette ends up being.
Tony is a sensitive healer. He talks to plants. He has a delicate middle part. He showed up with a black eye that he couldn’t heal in time for the show which is the definition of irony.
There was a super drunk guy that kept saying, “this place is dead anyway”. That’s a quote from Swingers which came out 19 years ago. It’s like that awkward friend of yours that still quotes Austin Powers. You gotta move on, drunk guy. If you’re going to have a drunk catch phrase, make it way better and more current. And make it something about Harry Potter because those movies are awesome! “PATRONUS!”
There’s a guy who calls himself “Love Man”. I can’t understand his hair. It’s like a Dark Donald Trump kinda thing. Where does it begin? Where does it end?
There are a few personal trainers that look exactly the same.
There’s a guy who said he’s looking for a trophy wife and he looks like the kind of guy that would think it’s ok to say something like that on a show like this.
There’s a runner from Princeton that got hit by a car. He seems like a really nice fellow, a guy you can root for.
J. Saw Britt, told her that he didn’t think he stacked up against all the other guys, then told us he fell in love with Britt. There’s always a J.J. He’ll be super painful right from the start and I kind of can’t wait.
One guy is from Idaho. He’s way too nice to be on this show. He’s like what you wanted Chris Soules to be, only for real. He definitely shops at Old Navy.
There’s a singer from Nashville that talks really breathy and doesn’t pronounce some consonants because he might hurt them? I don’t know. I could see him and Britt hitting it off because they’re equally fake and self absorbed.
There’s a kid named, “Sky”.