Week 1 – We’re Back

Does it get any better than springtime? The birds are chirping. The flowers, blooming. What better time to find love than springtime? When all things are new again and the world is full of possibilities. Along with all of that stuff, springtime is also a lead-in to summer. In fact you might say that springtime is summer’s eve. With that, I welcome you to douche season.

Not since Matthew McConaughey patrolled the courtroom in A Time To Kill has America seen such a pretty lawyer. That’s right. Andi is back and she’s looking for love. If the first 20 minutes of last night’s show are any indication, she thinks she’ll find it in a gazebo, on the beach, over nondescript railings, and anywhere else you can fake-look into the distance.

Of course the best thing about the first 20 minutes of last night’s show was seeing that Andi’s dad is still alive. The last time we saw him he was eating large handfuls of meat and drinking goblets of wine like some Game of Thrones tyrant. I don’t know if he got on a cholesterol medicine or if he’s eating more kale. I guess it doesn’t matter as long as he’ll be around to mercilessly attack whoever’s left at the end of this thing.

In sad news, it looks like Andi’s most quality bachelor ended up dying shortly after filming.

Let’s move to happier times and talk about the guys who are left and a few that said goodbye.

 

DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT

Jason

The good news for Jason is that he’s a doctor. The bad news for Jason is that he looks like the kind of doctor who keeps human remains in his refrigerator. He’s like a blonde Crispen Glover. And not the charming Crispen Glover from Back to the Future. I’m talking about the crazy-eyed Crisped Glover from that movie with the rats. We’ll miss you, Jason. Don’t murder anyone.

Emil

In case you’re forgetting who Emil is, he’s Anal with an ‘m’.

Josh B. 

Josh was the last guy we heard from who talked about having to tell his parents he got booted on night one. Was Josh B. the realist guy on this show? Did we just lose the most likable thing to happen to the franchise in years? Give Josh B. his own spinoff where he has to deliver embarrassing news to his parents. Are you telling me you wouldn’t watch?

Mike

Mike  looked a little like Prince Adam (He-Man when he wasn’t being He-Man). During the rose ceremony, no other douche was as intense as Mike. He looked like he was about to go all Castle of Grayskull on us. Probably better he’s leaving early hurting someone.

Rudie

Rudie seems like a guy that never gets invited to stuff. Like, there’s an email alias in Rudie’s office that includes everybody but Rudie. It’s the alias people use to organize happy hours and baby showers. It also appeared that Rudi totally confused Andi with his lawyer move out of the limo. Did he just expose Andi as a fake lawyer? Is that why he’s gone? Somebody needs to investigate this. Sadly, Rudi was the only one capable of doing it. 😦

Steven

Steven’s gotta be best friends with one of the show’s producers, right? Is he Chris Harrison’s weed guy? Did he blackmail his way onto the show? Nothing else would justify his being at the mansion. There was just never any shot for poor, stoney steven.

 

THE FAVORITES

Nick V. 

Our first impression winner! He’s got kind of a relaxed smooth vibe that might actually be masking a really boring personality. But, Andi has conviction (lawyer joke) and I see her keeping this guy around for a while, even if he kinda sucks. He’s got a sort of giovanni ribisi thing going on. Like, something about his face makes me want to eat sauerkraut.

Josh M. 

Josh M. is right up Andi’s alley. He’s who she usually goes for. The only problem is that the guys Andi usually goes for haven’t worked out. Oh, there’s also one other problem. Josh M. seems like an idiot. He’s kind of dumb-handsome, if that’s a thing. I’m sure he’ll stick around long enough to take off his shirt a few times and if he surprises, he could get to the final four.

Markus

The most european-texan this show has ever seen. Andi is definitely attracted to Markus, and he’s already surprised her. It’s good to be cultured but we know that Andi hasn’t been anywhere. Could Markus be the guy Andi admires but can’t be herself with? As a polish/german guy, is Markus upset that Nick V.’s face is the one that smells like sausage?

Dylan

We didn’t get a ton of Dylan last night but I could see him coming on strong down the road. He’s got a very confident haircut and that means everything in this game.

 

THE BEST OF THE REST

J.J.

He’s a “Pantsapreneur”. I mean, what’s more entrepreneurial than making up your own version of the word? Is he anything more than pants? We’ll have to wait and see.

Nick S. 

A professional golfer with an amateur hairline. He might not have it going on up top but Nick’s got charisma. Can he do anything better than the friend zone? Will he woo?

Carl

Is ‘Carl’ the least interesting name of this generation? Even it it is, it doesn’t matter. Because Carl is a firefighter. He’s a tall firefighter. If Carl can put two words together and make Andi laugh a little, he’ll definitely be one to watch.

Chris

So, the ‘farmer’s daughter’ is definitely a thing but how come we never hear women fantasizing about ‘Farmer’s sons’? Chris could be the son to change all that. Do it for all the boys back in Iowa, Chris. Do it for corn.

Eric

Ok, so he won’t win and he died shortly after filming. But the guy was too good for this show. He gets thrown into the Best of the Rest out of respect.

Brian

The unremarkable basketball coach. We’ll forget him before we even realize he’s gone.

Bradley

The opera singer. We didn’t get to know Brad very well but you’ve gotta believe we’ll have to endure some really awkward one-on-one singing. And soon. If Brad knows what’s good for him he’ll bust out the pipes before he gets the boot.

 

THE GUYS WHO WON’T WIN BUT MIGHT FIND A LOVE THEY DIDN’T EXPECT

Andrew and Patrick

I’ve never seen two guys so excited to find each other. They both love formula one racing. They both love each other’s fashion choices. They’re both very clean. Patrick even mirrored Andrew’s slang, 5 minutes after they met! This could be an exciting side story to track.

 

C’MON…SERIOUSLY?

Tasos

He’s a wedding planner. I mean, c’mon…seriously?

Cody

The personal trainer with a duck tails haircut. This guy is Axe Body Spray. He’s like Jersey Shore only 5 years after it was important. C’mon…seriously?

Brett

He’s a hairstylist with a mullet. We’ve got a wedding planner and a hairstylist and somehow these guys aren’t the gayest on the show. Did ABC only get 25 applicants for this show or something? I mean, come oooooooon. Seriously?

 

THIS ISNT GOING TO END WELL

Marquell

Great guy and the cookie thing was brilliant. But if you’re in Vegas and betting your mortgage, do you go anywhere near Marquell? The history of the show says no. I don’t see Andi as a person who bucks trends. Enjoy your time, Marquell. I hope it leads to something great after the show.

Ron

See Marquell.

 

WE’VE SEEN GAY BACHELORS. WE’VE SEEN MENTALLY CHALLENGED BACHELORS. WE’VE NEVER SEEN…

Craig

Craig could be the most inspiring person to appear on television in years. Will he get the final rose? There’s no chance in H. Will he win? Absolutely. We’re all proud of you, Craig. You’re a true trailblazer.

 

Here’s to love. Pictures to come next week.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s