Week 11 – I woke up confident

We could recap last night, or we could just read the letter that Nick left Andi after she dumped him.

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Yes, that does tell the entire story but let’s recap this thing anyway.

WOW. After a humdrum season of scarves, hot pants, guys cramming into a Jacuzzi tub, a dude chasing another dude with a pickle, a hang gliding death, the shiniest bomber jacket, MoTown Philly back again, a lie detector test, and Craig, it was Josh who came out ahead. And really, in a battle of tools, is it not appropriate that the tooliest of them all was the tool left tooling?

 

Josh M. 

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I’ve been trying to figure out Josh’s walk all season and last night I put it together. Do this for me. Stand up, arch your shoulders back as far as they’ll go, and then start walking but only move your legs and your arms below the elbows. Everything else is stiff. It also helps if you’ve unbuttoned your shirt to your belly button.

Josh must’ve packed on some lb’s because his final suit was snuuuuuuuuug. Snug as a douche in a rug, snug. Was anybody surprised when he brought up baseball in his proposal? It’s all he has. It’s who he is. A former “pro” baseball player. I think Josh’s giant white teeth extend past his gums and go all the way under his skull and take up the space where a normal human’s brain is. He’s all giant white teeth and manicured eyebrows. But that is Andi’s type. And the two of them seemed happy. If you were listening closely (and why wouldn’t you be) Andi even called him “Babe” on their final one-on-one. I think the editors missed that one. But now they can make love in public. Or, make love and be public about it. Or something about the public and something about them doin’ it and then later, being in public. Congrats Josh. You won. But you’re not who we’re here to talk about.

Nick V. 

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Oh my. Nick shows up nervous to meet the parents. And who saw that coming? This guy is a wreck! He’s a mixture of nerves, cowlicks, and douchebaggary. Tip of thecap though for bringing a bottle of scotch for Hy. Hy’s lost some weight but you can tell by looking at him that he likey the scotchy. But back to Nick. He gets Hy’s blessing. Later, he picks Andi up in a Jeep and if you have an intuition for this kind of thing, you could see that Andi wasn’t all that into it. She was reserved. She may have even been a little bored. Later that night he gave her a cheese ball necklace with a jar of sand hanging from it. What do women do with jewelry from old flames? Does Pottery Barn make a special drawer for them? And oh, the horror as Nick reads Andi’s awkwardness as signs that she loves him. Another hats off to the producers for pulling the Neil Lane thing the next morning. First with Josh, making us think he was going home. And then with Nick. “Hey, you don’t look like Neil Lane. This isn’t going to be good.” Andi tries her best to be sad and Nick is kind of mean in return. He seems like the kind of guy that has no idea how he comes off. That would explain the triple-knotted infinity scarves. Even watching the episodes back again, I doubt he thinks he looks terrible after stalking Andi, writing letters, showing up at the Men Tell All, and moping around Milwaukee. This guy might have some issues. My guess is that they come from his mom’s way-way-too-old-to-have-a giant gold nose ring. What’s the deal with that thing? Did she see herself on TV during the hometowns and decide, even with a ton of mid-90’s soft core jewelry that she wasn’t accessorized enough? More. More!!!! The 10 kids thing is starting to make sense. Nice lady though. But we’re still not to the good part. All of that moping and stalking has lead Nick to one spot. The finale love seat. He’s thought about this moment for months and now, because it’s what he does, Nick begins to awkwardly ramble. Just when we think it’s going nowhere, BOOM!!!!!!!  “If you didn’t love me……………………why did you make love to me?  OHHHHHH! I don’t know about you but the Hanson household exploded when those words came out of Nick’s mouth. I mean, he already looked terrible but that just killed it. How many months do we have to wait before Lifetime comes out with the Nick Viall biopic, “Fantasy Forgotten”? Again, he managed to be 100% d1ckish and 100% balls-less at the same time. He is amazing! He’s just what this show needed while it stumbled and bumbled through 10 weeks of mediocrity. And with that, Nick goes back to whatever life he had before. This time, without the dignity. 

Markus

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Markus. This season’s most polarizing bachelor. Some of you love him. Some of you hate him. He took Andi to a few Dallas strip malls and then sat her down in an actual strip club! That led to the longest butt shot of the season. I had my hand over my face for what seemed like an eternity and when I removed it, the camera was still stuck on Markus’s tighty whities. His family seemed ok. He had a niece that gets second place in the cute kid category. Nobody’s touching Nick’s sister. Markus wore pastel shorts. He fell too fast. And both may have cost him. He also got super emotional and kissed his overly-tan brother. Where is Markus’s mom from? Hungary? Denmark? Kazakstan? Was she forced out of Crimea? It’s a mystery. And for the moment, it doesn’t matter. Unless, Markus did enough last night to cement himself as the next bachelor. You came, you made us form an opinion, your wore a terrible scarf, and you left alone. Thanks for the memories, dear Markus. Till next time?

Dylan

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Dylan was neve gonna win this thing. Hats off to him for lasting this long. He had no business being on the show after coming out of such tough family stuff so recently. I’m almost glad it’s over for the poor guy. Head home and spend some time regrouping. Got no hate for ya Dylan. But we won’t miss you either. 50/50 he cries at the Men Tell All. 

J.J.

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UUUUUUUUUUUGH. Poor double J’s. Our boy showed up to the rose ceremony looking like a POW. He was all sweaty with greasy hair and a fever-beard. Was he eating cocktail snacks straight from Dylan’s hands right before the rose ceremony? JJ was a nice guy. Yeah he stirred up some stupid drama from time to time. And sure, his pants were embarrassing. But he was all heart. All heart and emotions. JJ wasn’t built for this. And it bit him in the end. But look at JJ and look at Andi. They never would’ve been happy together. JJ needs some weirdo hispster-chick he can be awkward with. Andi is all sparkly dresses and blow-out haircuts. As strange as it is to say, JJ has too much style for Andi. We’ll miss you, tall-skinny Jason Segal. Good luck in love. Don’t cry at the Men Tell All. 

Nick S. 

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Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can¹t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there¹s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don¹t know that you¹re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man. 

Carl

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You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

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Chris. He wore the shirt from this picture on his final day with Andi. Fitting. It was obvious from the moment Chris pulled up in his jeep that he was going home. Not enough touching between them. He kind of got the shaft because it’s tough to touch on a horse. Maybe if he’d worn Niki’s horseback riding outfit from J-Blow’s season (google it), he would’ve pulled out a win. But he didn’t. And he went home for it. What’s Andi thinking when Chris tells her to count to 60 and runs to hide in some bushes? At this point she knows she won’t pick him. She’s gotta want to just stop it then. Does any part of her want to just book it into the field and leave Chris to wonder where she went? And while the “break up” was sad to watch, you had to feel for Iowa! Andi repeatedly said, “It would be to easy to blame Iowa”. What did Iowa ever do to you, Andi? Iowa gives us Corn Pops cereal. It gave us Field of Dreams,…and I’m sure a lot of other great stuff. Chris has to be the next Bachelor, right? Josh is too dumb. And if he somehow pulls out a victory, the country kind of hates Nick. I’d love to see what 20 women who want to live on a farm look like when they get super catty. Sad stuff, Chris. But at least you have a house, not an apartment or condo, to go home to. And that’s really impressive. 

Eric

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We saw the cracks starting to form on Sunday night. Eric was getting weird. Last night took things to a whole new level. Was Eric wrong about Andi maybe playing to the cameras a little? Probably not. Was that absolutely the worst possible thing he could’ve said to a girl he was trying to get to know? Yes. And it got him a cab ride out of Connecticut. He didn’t even get a limo! His decision was pretty brutal, and if he was still alive we’d be ripping on his strategy. But he’s not still alive so we’ll just move on. Sad stuff. 

Brian

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Brian went as far as chapped lips can take you. It just wasn’t far enough. He’ll be fine though. The Pennsylvania dutch ladies will be coming at him in waves…waves of grain. Amber waves of grain (USA!!!!). 

Bradley

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Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

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Andrew is accused of something pretty friggin terrible and pretty friggin hard to make up. There’s no way he didn’t say that word, or at the very least, something like it that’s probably just as bad. So, not cool man. But we don’t have to worry anymore. Because as the saying goes, leave with the girl you came with. Finally, Andrew and Patrick can be happy together. When Patrick said, “I’ve heard from a lot of people, and not just girls, that I have all the qualities to make a great husband”, who do you think he was talking about? Andrew! These guys should at least give it a shot. Just hug for a second with patting each other’s backs. Yada yada yada, I know pronounce you man and man. It’s a beautiful story and ABC would make a killing on a televised wedding. Good luck you two. Love wins. 

Tasos

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Tasos was such a non-factor and so obviously-probably gay that ABC didn’t even bother showing us his exit. No judgements, Tasos. Just confusion. This season is so confusing! You seem like a very polite fellow and I’ll bet you plan the hell out of a wedding. Good luck in life, man. Opa! 

Cody

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That. Was. Painful. Like the end of Old Yeller. But it didn’t happen right away. We had to watch Cody set himself up as the man who knew his love was not felt in return. Who writes letters to Juliet? Is that really a thing? And what dude does that? How do you even find out it’s even an option? But there he is. Writing his own letter to Juliet and reading it in front of Andi as she’s working up the courage to break his heart. A heart we can see because he’s wearing such a low cut V. His outfit was like something Grace Jones would’ve worn in an early 80’s bond movie. And not in a good way. Cody never stood a chance and his rambling pleading to Andi to keep him around, all while she is crying, it just couldn’t have ended any other way. Somewhere there’s a girl who loves lady shirts and a ducktails haircut on her men. That, or Cody will be alone forever. 50/50. 

Brett

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America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

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Some guys get kicked off this thing and you worry about what they’re going home to (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). And some guys, you just know they are going to kill it as soon as they land in their hometowns. Marquell is going to kill it. He seems like a solid dude. He smiles, even when he’s crying for very legit reasons. A smiling crier? How is that not awesome? I guess as long as it isn’t someone who’s doing it while cutting you into tiny pieces and putting you in the refrigerator for later (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). We’d wish you good luck, Marquell. But you aren’t gonna need it. 

Ron

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Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

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Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.

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