Apologies for the late BachCap. ABC.com didn’t allow me to watch the final 45 mins of the show that I missed on Monday night. Sometimes the Internet really lets you down. When it does, restore your faith with: https://html5zombo.com

Ok, you’re back? Let’s continue. That was a pretty solid ep. We got a Hunger Games-like death match for love. When (he went to)Jared stepped into the final match with giant Ben Z I stood up and yelled, “I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!” not really.

We were all engagement-photoshoot-shamed. Because the only way to demonstrate true love is to do it underwater.

The guys got to try their hands at comedy which, looking back, might be the thing that broke abc.com.

And we got to see Britt bad-act her way to a fake boyfriend. A boyfriend with unexplainable style. Seriously:

• Where does a tall man buy tights long enough to fit him? Is he walking into a Lane Bryant and trying these things on?
• The shirt. It went down to his knees and the neck hole was huge. It’s like if you turned his shirt upside down, tied the bottom, attached a wicker basket, and burned some helium, you’d get this. Also, you put a picture of Jonathan Taylor Thomas on that thing and it’s like what middle school girls sleep in.
• The beanie. Are you cold? You’re wearing a tee-shirt and you have a long sleeve shirt tied around your waist. I don’t understand. I don’t want to understand.

But enough about Britt and Britt The Man Version. Let’s get to our fellas! And remember. Black is still in it. Red is gone long ago. Blue is the most recent to go.

 

BEN H. 

Despite being pretty tall and not all that skinny, Ben sucks at boxing. He also sucks at wearing a shirt under a v-neck sweater. But he’s got a good looking mug and people like that. It allows him the freedom to sit back and be good looking while the crazies do crazy things. Watch for more of Ben H to come.

BEN Z. 

BigBen did the only thing BigBen knows how to do. Concuss delicate Jared. But he did so with grace. This guy is a player in this race. You watch out for Ben Z. In fact, I could see a late-season two on one date with both Bens. This thing is gonna get real.

CHRIS THE DENTIST

Chris realized that he isn’t funny.

CLINT

Is Clint one of those people that is supposed to be good looking? Like, you look at him and think, “he’s good looking, right? He’s gotta be. But is there something wrong with my TV? Do I need an antihistamine?” He kind of looks like college-Brian Bozworth. Not many of you will know what that means but I feel pretty ok with the comparison. Clint did some pre-underwater yoga. He dressed up like Bill Compton from True Blood. Then he jumped into a pool at a mansion that you know a whole bunch of of soft-core pornos have used as a set. Clint frenched Kaitlyn in the pool a little. I think she digs him. He’s also strange in that he doesn’t really tease anybody back at the house but he doesn’t really have a problem with the guys who do. Is he good looking? Is he mean? I don’t know. Maybe he’s, Simply Clint™.

COREY

There’s something not right about this guy. He looks like he’d invite you over to his place and then try to sell you Amway. Or lock you into a timeshare or something. I feel like if you went to his house it would be the kind of clean that makes you nervous. Like, that something really strange happens after dark. I wouldn’t feel comfortable using his silverware. And that’s Corey.

THE BETTER COREY 

The better Corey didn’t do anything. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t on a date but I could be wrong because it’s still early and most of these guys look the same. He could’ve boxed and lost but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he spent the day at the mansion doing Coreythings.

DANIEL

Daniel follows friend-of-th-BachCap, Evan Cook on Instagram. Evan Cook is a woodworker.

IAN

The Princeton came out of Ian on Monday. He told his story and had a super smooth segue into makeout territory. He is so the good guy this season. If he had a better hairline, he could be in line to be the first minority Bachelor. But I see him getting booted, with grace, and finding love fast in L.A. No matter how this turns out, Ian will be a winner.

JARED

Jared talks a lot about being a weenie but he’s like 6’0 and not that light. Maybe it’s the super skinny neck combined with the jawline implants. Seriously. Does that thing set off the metal detectors at airports? Does he look even weirder without the terrible goatee? And with all that, you kind of have to root for him. He didn’t waste any time with Kaitlyn and just made out at her something fierce. Hats off, Jared. Or maybe with that hair, hats on.

JJ THE TURD

Oh! Amy Schumer you called it! This guy is just a flat out TURD! Look at that stupid face with the stupid deep V tee shirt. Did this guy tell all his buddies he was going to hollywood to be a reality show villain? Does he realize that you can be a normal person that has friends and people like that? This poor guy’s daughter. Does she have a chance to not be hateable when she grows up? I feel like JJ has something strange going on with the buttons on his dress shirts. Like, he’s only leaving two unbuttoned but they look like really bad. Like, New York Wall Street No style but a lot of money bad. Is his neck really long? Are his shirts really bad? It’s something to watch. I can’t wait until he goes down. I hope it’s epic. Maybe he’ll fall out of his harness while scaling a building for love.

JOE

Joe is a nice guy that would fill out a Pharrell hat.

JONATHAN

Do we really care?

JOSHUA

He’s pretty Idaho but I think the dude has a chance to go far in this thing. I feel like he’s gonna straddle the freindzone so he’ll need to do romantic things, fast #Butttouches.

JUSTIN

Justin’s face gives me the same creeps as Corey’s. I look at Justin and wonder if we might be in the early stages of a Bruce Jenner situation. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just think if you’re Kaitlyn you deserve to know that Justin was either born a Jessica, or is transitioning to a Jessica. It’s only fair. This is foreverlove.

KUPAH

HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B. 

Is Ryan B. more than a sensitive haircut and glasses I’m sure have no prescription lenses in them? We’ll find out soon. Ryan looks like he should be hosting a show on BRAVO.

SHAWN B.

Didn’t get much UglyRyanGossling this week. And I’m just fine with that. I didn’t watch the this-season-on but I’ll bet we get a ton of this friggin dude. It’s going to be unpleasant.

TANNER

You know that cool guy you know? Tanner is like that guy’s younger brother. Maybe you’re kind of excited to hear that Zane has a brother and then you see him and you go, “oh…huh…”. I’ll bet Tanner’s mom has a photo album of Tanner’s childhood that she leaves open on the living room table for guests to see when they come over for coffee. Tanner, you have no chance in this thing. Not against the Bens. Not against Simply Clint™. And sadly, not against UglyRyanGossling.

TONY

A real up and down week for Tony. Something tells me he has a lot of those. His comedy routine was somehow the funniest of the night. But then he got his feelings hurt back at the mansion. Tony needs to go on one of those hikes that middle school kids do to toughen them up. He needs to face some challenges and overcome some fears. That or just a swift kick to the junk. He’ll probably get a metaphorical j-kick at the next rose ceremony, which should come on Monday but who the heck knows! They’re really flying fast and loose with the format these days. No rules. We need more order to this thing. I can’t be ToBeContinued anymore. Gosh, I sound like…..

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn.

 

Till next week.