Hello again you lovers of love. You believers. You dreamers. Despite a world filled with menstrual cramps, people who smoke cigarettes in the rain and then get onto city busses and sit right next to you, and terrorism, we choose to accept that 20 something, super makeupy train wrecks would jump at the chance to live in the middle of Iowa. Like, in a town that people from Iowa don’t even know exists.

And there’s beauty in that. There’s hope. We choose to believe that the world is amazing and mysterious and wonderful. Or, we just love making fun 24 year old hair dressers who willfully drive tractors in bikinis. Either way, all of us rule.

But this isn’t about us. It’s about the women. We’re still so early on that many will only get a minute or two of screen time. Some will take advantage. Some will fade into the background. Take a fake outdoor shower if you’ve got one and let’s take a look at how our ladies did.

 

ALISSA

Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER

Ohhhhhhh, Amber. You’re kind of falling for Chris which is going to make this so hard in like 2 weeks. Sure, The Bachelor might be modern in some areas. It was the first to realize that an accurate barometer to measure the feasibility of a successful, life-long marriage is to have two strangers repel down a building together. But sadly, The Bachelor is the most painfully racist show on TV. And HOCKEY is on TV. I just hope you can parlay your time on this show into real love, Amber. Sweet, Amber.

ASHLEY I

The Bachelor isn’t The Bachelor without at least one Ashley. This lady is like 1.5 of them all by herself. We could make an “Ashl” out of Ashley’s fake eye lashes, hair, tan, her makeup, giant fake earrings, her dangly belly button ring, her belly button chain, and all the rhinestones on her belly dancer cocktail dress. Judging on Chris’s tastes, Ashl would totally get a rose, despite not having hands to hold it or a mouth to accept it. I don’t get how Ashley is still here but I guess if you’re a guy living on a farm in Iowa you don’t get a lot of Jersey Shore in your day to day life. We can’t blame Chris for experimenting? Oh, and Ashley is a secret virgin. Whatever that is.

ASHLEY S

Is Farmer Chris being Punk’d? Are we sure we didn’t see Ashton Kutcher or Dax Sheppard in that Zombie paint ball maze, sitting behind hidden monitors, overly cracking up and feeding lines to Ashley S? She can’t be real. It’s impossible. The show may’ve finally gone too far in planting crazies. And on top of that, she got a rose! I mean, can we still debate whether or not the producers get to keep at least 2 or 3 disasters for the first few weeks? We need to Get Jesse. You’re too much, Ashley S.

BECCA

Becca hasn’t gotten a ton of screen time yet but I think there’s something there. Chris was wow’d when she got out of the limo. She keeps getting roses despite never talking. Keep an eye on Becca, if you can pick her out of all the other women on the show. Seriously, it’s like a hurricane of delicate necklaces, hair extensions, vacant eyes, and dead loved ones. It’s almost impossible to stick out of this show unless you’re crazy/high on drugs, or you have an unnaturally hairy butt crack. More on that later.

BRITT

WRONG REASONS ALERT!!!! Britt is an out of work actress who lives in Hollywood. And I know what you’re thinking, “Britt seems kinda into Chris”. Yeah, she does. Because she’s an out-of-work actress who lives in Hollywood. If she was a better actress she’d having us really believing it. What better way to make it in showbiz than by going on The Bachelor and trying to get America to fall in love with you? We all know how that worked out for Aly Feditowski. She took her fame and made it as one of those really annoying people on Comcast On Demand that tells you about upcoming movies while you’re searching for something to watch.

CARLY

Eep. This is an unfortunate picture of Carly. She hasn’t stood out at all yet. Did she go on a date last night? No matter. She’s still in it and I’m sure she’ll make a splash next week. Or she’ll go home. Either way. We don’t care because we don’t know her yet. Carly is like a make-your-own-salad place. Salad never really sounds good for lunch but you know you have to do it sometimes to stay within striking distance of being fit. It’s just not gonna get the juices flowing. And that’s Carly.

JADE

Nothing against the name, “Jade” but are we really surprised that Jade is the one in the group who wore a see-through dress out of the limo and who has naked pictures on the internet? Parents. Please, if you have a daughter name her something safe, like Jillian. Nothing bad every happens with a Jillian…

JILLIAN

Jillian had a rough night. She wore a skimpy bathing suit, exposing what one woman described as an unnaturally hairy butt crack. Like, not peach fuzz that everybody has. We’re talking Super Mario’s mustache turned on it’s side. And look, I’m not suggesting she go and get that waxed. You ladies go through so much stuff to look like you do. It’s already unreal how lucky we guys are. Maybe though, you should just wear a normal-sized bathing suit if you have Robin Williams’ style body hair going on down there. To make matters worse, Jillian jumped the gun at the rose ceremony, then fell down. I would have felt worse if Jillian wasn’t terrible. But she is. She’s the worst.

JORDAN

Did Jordan look at this as a free trip to LA or do we think she has a legitimate drinking problem? Her bio says she wants to be Brittany Spears for a day. Can we get somebody to check in with Jordan once she gets back to Colorado? Just to make sure she eats before she drinks? Maybe buy her some bread? Nothing fancy. No 9 grain or anything. Just something white and processed to soak up all the alcohol. Buy her the Jordan of breads.  

JUELIA

Gosh dang. We’re introduced to Juelia as she’s telling a story about her daughter’s baby daddy who ended up killing himself shortly after the baby was born. Not surprisingly Juelia is still broken up about the event. We’ve gotta hope for good things for Juelia. That’s just sad stuff. In happy news, she waxes lady bits for a living and one of her new roommates is walking around with a mink coat between her butt cheeks. Juelia should get to that before some animal rights activist throws red paint on Jillian’s backside in protest.

KAITLYN

Something about Kaitlyn has rubbed me the wrong way since she got out of the limo. It wasn’t the unfunny, super-forced jokey stuff. I couldn’t put my finger on it, until last night. She’s got a real Miley Cyrus thing going on. That kind of pouty lip, dumb-voice thing. The open-mouthed breathing. The forced party girl vibe. The awareness of where the cameras are at all time. And the general suckiness. It was no surprise that Kaitlyn wasn’t graceful when the yoga instructor was invited back. Because Kaitlyn is in a three-way tie with Jillian, and Jersey I… sorry, Ashley I as THE WORST.

KELSEY

And then there’s Kelsey. Nice. Normal. Sweet. I mean, she’s a guidance counselor. The only thing we saw from Kelsey was her being happy’ish for the yoga instructor to get another chance at love, and being confused by Ashley S.’s insanity. But that’s ok. This wasn’t a week for the normal ladies. We’re still investigating the strange. Kelsey will shine in the weeks to come. I know it’s early but if Chris doesn’t pick Kelsey his life will be ruined and farming as we know it will never be the same.

KIMBERLY

The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

That was no way to represent the Seattle area! Mackenzie was drunk/nervous/spazzy from the word go. First she gave us a super awkward first date, calling Chris a big-nosed freak and talking about aliens. Mackenzie thinks she’s been contacted by an alien. Then she went crazy over Jersey I being a virgin, saying that guys love to take girl’s virginity. That’s the kind of thing you hear sophomores in high school say before social studies. Mackenzie is young. She’s 21. But she acts like a 15 year old. It’s incredible to watch. Telling the other woman about the number of times Chris kissed you? We need more Mackenzie. I want more teen angst. I need her to tell me how the Twilight series ended. And began. And what happened in the middle.

MEGAN

I had no idea who she was when she got the first date card. She didn’t understand the concept of date cards. That’s not a good sign. But things got underway and clicked in a hurry. First of all, they took a plane to a helicopter. Then took the helicopter to the Grand Canyon. I mean, that’s elaborate! For somebody who seemed so dumb, Megan turned on the smarts pretty quickly. She was eloquent and charming. Then we got the story of her dad dying like just a week before she flew to LA to be on the show. I’m rooting for Megan. That’s sad stuff and she could use something good in her life. Plus, she’s from a small town and would look good on a farm. Go Megan!

NIKI

No clue who Niki is. She’s one of many dark-haired ladies who don’t seem to be crazy. They could’ve snuck her into the cast after the first night and nobody would even notice. Like, she could’ve been hiding in the ravine behind the mansion and just climbed up onto the set wearing a cocktail dress. I’m sure we’ll see more of her in the coming weeks. I just hope she packed clothes and a toothbrush.

SAMANTHA

SEE NIKI.

TANDRA

Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA

I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY

Another slow week for my number 1 dark horse. I didn’t know her name until halfway through last night’s episode. But she got a rose, she’s got the best headshot of the bunch and she seems normal. The only knock on Tracy is that her face was a totally different color than her neck. Like she was wearing orange foundation or maybe she sunbathed in a turtleneck sweater. That’s probably it. The turtleneck thing. Don’t let me down, Tracy! I’m the only one who even knows you’re alive.

TRINA

Who let Trina’s mom on set?? Trina didn’t say a single word last night and yet somehow, she aged 20 years. I guess Chris likes olds because Trina got a rose. My guess is we’ll be annoyed by her a ton next week. Prove me wrong, Trina. Prove me wrong.

WHITNEY

Whitney had a real up and down week in that the pitch of her voice was up…like, all the way up while her screen time was down. She handled not getting a date with class and grace. There’s something about Whitney. I really see them working together. Don’t sleep on Whitney. I think she’ll go far.

 

And oh my gosh that took forever. Hopefully next week we can go without Chris wearing a sweatshirt with no tee shirt underneath. It’s a cardinal sin, guys. Never wear a sweatshirt or a sweater without something underneath. Also, if you’re going to shave your chest, either keep it long’ish or go all the way. No five o’clock shadows. No stragglers. Chris’s chest looks like a really old lady’s chin.