How do you recap what happened last night in a single email? A dead man, a literal dead person, spoke about how a first date could be the beginning of the rest of his life. Male strippers rubbed their bodies all over Chris Harrison. Craig expressed his infatuation with Josh M, Craig had booze face, Craig stomped all over some random mansion, Craig had a fully-clothed splash fight with no one, Craig sang, and Craig hugged. Old people were cute. Horses walked sideways. And on top of all that, Andi wore a two-piece bikini! I mean, we can deal with all that other stuff, but Andi without her one-piece? That’s like Jordan without a basketball or Julia Child without an oven.

This is going to take some processing. Let’s see how our D-bags did.

 

Nick V. 

Nick V has a sleepy kinda thing going on. It’s like the rest of the show is in High Def, but Nick V’s face and hair are on regular old channel 4. But, for as much as Nick V’s face is cloudy, his mind is sharp. Who gives Andi a date card? Nick V. That’s who. He flipped the script and found a way to make 5 mins a little more creative. Hats off Nick V. Or maybe, hats on?

 

Josh M. 

If Craig was the bachelorette, this season would be over right now because Craig loves Josh. Andi might not be fare behind. Super good looking people can take their games to even higher places by being aloof or going the other way and being overly shy. This is Josh’s plan. I don’t trust him. It’s that or he’s kind of a knucklehead. Or he’s a total catch.

 

Markus

I remember reading something from some guys that used to work on the Jimmy Kimmel show. They saw hundreds of beautiful actresses a year and, out of any of them they swore that the most striking was Laura Linney. Now, Laura Linney is a pretty lady, but she isn’t often mentioned with the more obvious hollywood hotties. Markus is this show’s Laura Linney. Unless I’m missing something and all of you ladies think he’s a Grade A handsome fellow. He took his good-in-person looks and did somethings with them stripping out of a sailor suit. Have I mentioned yet that this is a chick show and I should not be watching it? Ok, just so we’re clear.

 

Dylan

Dylan is riding under the radar. But I contend, his haircut is too confident to go home anytime soon. Don’t let yourself forget about ol D-bag Dyl.

 

J.J.

Some men just aren’t made for this adventure. Some of those men make pants. J.J is already crumbling. We’re in week 2. He’s got a pool with great afternoon sun. What is there to crumble under? Chill out, J’s. You could be making terrible pants soon enough. Enjoy the house. Make an omelette.

 

Nick S. 

Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can’t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there’s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don’t know that you’re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man.

 

Carl

You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

 

Chris

Chris refers to “the track” as, “the tracks”. He may not be the brightest guy, but Chris is a sweetheart. He’s a sweetheart who’s in way over his head. While it may’ve looked like a solid date from the outside, I think Andi was just using Chris to regain her confidence after she’d been Craiged the night before. How painful is it going to be in 5 weeks when Andi lets him go and tells him that unlike the old couple they met at the track, she just doesn’t know if she wants to spend her life with Chris. I’m already worried for him.

 

Eric

What do you say? The guy is ridiculous. When asked what he doesn’t do well the only thing he could come up with was, “I’m not very good at playing the piano.” You don’t say that unless you play the piano at least a little bit, which is a lot bit more than most everybody else on the planet. Eric is kind of the man. If he hadn’t died I think he would’ve been the next bachelor. It feels like they’re grooming us to fall for the guy. But none of it was/is to be. It’s awkward to watch this guy knowing what happens. And not the fun kind of awkward the rest of the show gives us. Uuugh.

 

Brian

Last week, Brian was forgettable. This week Andi saw that he has abs. In this game, that’s enough to keep a guy around for a solid month.

 

Bradley

Bradley gets the final rose of the night. Yes he has a nice voice. And double yes it’s awkward to hear him sing. Bradley, we already have more than enough private concerts from bands we’ve never heard of. Get off that knee. Muss up that mid-90s middle-part. Open your eyes and be normal.

 

Andrew and Patrick

Andrew got an early rose and they immediately cut to Patrick. You could see the nervousness on his face. It’s too early for these two to be separated. They’ve only begun to talk about Formula One and how they’re better than all of the other guys. Andrew hasn’t even copied Patrick’s pocket square yet. If you believe in love (which is a dumb thing to question since you watch this show) you have to root for Andrew and Patrick to get more time.

 

Tasos

I just don’t get it. A feminine guy with mini-gagues in his ears. I’d say he’s in the next batch to go but I think Andi is really curious about him. I guess that’s why I’m not the bachelorette. Opa!

 

Cody

Last night, Cody added a Superman curl to his ducktails haircut. I mean, How does this guy stick around? I know we only got to see 3 guys go last night but come on? What are we not seeing? Was he the one who got Andi’s dad on Lipitor? Look at this guy!

 

Brett

We didn’t get a ton of Brett this week. In fact I think they’re trying to hide his rattail from us which is a crime against freedom. If abc ever wants to get the rattail demographic they’re going to have to give us more Brett. And really, who buys more Chobani yogurt and tampons than guys with rattails?

 

Marquell

Marquell likes to match patterns. That’s really all we know about the guy after 2 weeks.

 

Ron

Ron was interrupted by Craig when trying to talk to Andi. Somehow he turned that into receiving the first rose at the ceremony. Embrace these early weeks if you’re a Ron fan (a Ran? A Fon?).

 

Craig

Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.