Week 3 – Close Your Eyes…

…Make a wish, and blow out the candlelight.

Motown Philly back again, and this time, with guitars. I’m sure you all have Boys2Men memories. I could tell you about a particular 7th grader who used his mom’s mousse to keep up a mean side part and followed Meredith Hamilton around like a puppy dog. But I won’t do that because you don’t care and it’s sad. The only thing more awkward than a 7th grade boy who uses women’s mousse is an opera singer trying to opera-sing a Boys2Men song. But more on Bradley a little later.

We’re trimming fat but we still have a long way to go. Maybe that’s why ABC gave us the extra episode. But that’s the thing about gifts from heaven. You don’t ask why you get them, you just drink them in and thank the good Lord for his provisions.

Speaking of, lets get to the douchebags.

 

Nick V. 

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Nick solidified himself as a potential final 4 favorite. His sleepy face puts Andi at ease and he’s creative. Last week he presented Andi with a date card. This week he had flowers delivered at the cocktail party. This guy thinks outside the box. How else could you explain the jacket he wore on his one-on-one? It looked like a trench coat for a young child with really long arms. Nick V. Always keeps you on your toes.

Josh M. 

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Josh’s try-hard singing may’ve been the worst. I think he thinks he sounds good. Maybe it’s because the past two weeks of his life were spent with Craig building up his ego. But the house loves Josh. They think he’s got integrity. I think he might be the dumb jock he’s tried so hard to convince Andi he isn’t. In any case, I’d hate to live in apartment directly next to his. No way he doesn’t sing in the shower. Loudly. Poorly. Oh. Last thing about Josh. He’s this season’s frontrunner for weirdest kisser. We’ll see how that develops.

Markus

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Markus got some make out last night. I can’t put my finger on ol Markus. I’ve never seen a guy shave who shaves his body from the nipples down. I didn’t know that was a thing. Does he keep a ruler in his bathroom? It’s like his torso has a mustache.

Dylan

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Dylan’s had a rough go in life. I’m glad he got a rose last night. Apart from the terrible stuff he’s had to go through, we don’t know that much about him. Hopefully, that will change.

J.J.

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JJ kind of has a skinny Jason Segal thing going on. Similar voice. Similar goofiness. He’s a lot, this JJ. His pants look like something Lisa Turtle would’ve made for her FIT fashion show at The Max. He can do a cartwheel and throw a football in one motion. He’s got a strong jaw line but really crazy eyes. And I think he’s way too emotional for this game. He’ll burn himself out, like a dying star. Something tells me JJ has weird breath and no idea about it. Just a hunch.

Nick S. 

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Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can’t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there’s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don’t know that you’re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man.

Carl

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You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

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We got almost no Chris last night. All he did was comfort Dylan on a couch. And I think that’s his thing. He’s a farmer’s son.

Eric

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A few weeks ago, Eric was amazing. The perfect guy to open the show with the first one on one. But this week some weird insecurities and a lot of over-politeness started to pop up. He’s another guy that doesn’t seem to be built for the mental toil of this game. No matter what he does, it’s always weird to watch. There’s just no making fun of the guy. We’ll move on.

Brian

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Brian was another guy that didn’t do a whole lot. I think they kissed and that Andi liked it. Brian seems to be in a solid position. If they can hold a conversation, he could be a top 4 guy.

Bradley

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Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

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How much fun did Andrew and Patrick have on their Boys2Men date? It was just a shame all the other guys and Andi had to be there. What’s interesting is that Patrick made a big deal about saying hot hot Andi is while at the same time, Andrew made a big deal about getting another woman’s phone number. You know who brags about that stuff and talks about how hot women are all the time? Guys that like other guys. Just drop the charade already, fellas. Somebody’s gotta find love on this show. Why not you?

Tasos

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I was buying spinach at the grocery store this weekend and I caught a headline in some tabloid about Tasos being caught doing gay stuff with some guy. There was a picture of him licking some dude’s chest. Wait, you’re telling me the wedding planner might be gay? Surely not this guy (see picture)…

Cody

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Cody sticks around but he knows what’s going on. He even told Andi, “No matter what happens, today was awesome.” Still, I’ll bet he’s building up hope with every rose ceremony he survives. Will we have to watch him try to kiss Andi? Will it be weird when she kicks him off and gives him a high-five only to see that he’s crying? Cody is the friend zone. At this point, he should just throw in the towel and stay on the show as a gal pal Andi can talk to about Nick V and Markus.

Brett

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America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

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Terrible singer, but he managed to try hard and not make it super uncomfortable. That’s gotta mean something. Good on ya, Marquell. See you tonight.

Ron

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Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

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Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.

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