These are confusing times we live in.

Why does Jessica Lang want us to call her Caitlyn now? Because that’s not Jessica Lang. It’s the artist formally known as Bruce Jenner.

What the heck is going on with Clint and JJ? We thought we were confused when we couldn’t tell if Clint was good looking or not. Now he’s popping JJ’s back zits in the shower? I don’t know about you but I kept waiting for the punchline to land. Instead, all we got was close-guitaring, hot tubbing, jawline flattering, and much much more.

Add in some drunk Kupah, 1/3 full frontal nudity, incoherentTony, and Joshua talking to young people about the shedding of uterine walls. It was a jam-packed 2 hours.

Let’s take a closer look. And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

 

BEN H. 

Ben H has a knack for telling young children about sperm. And here we thought he was just a pretty face. I’m calling it right now, Ben H. will be the next bachelor. He isn’t Jersey Shore enough for Kaitlyn and he’s got the kind of milquetoast charm that America loves. He’s that guy you knew in college that couldn’t go steal a crew boat and paddle naked under the Fremont bridge because he was taking swing dance classes. He knows how to dip a girl without hurting his back. He’d probably enjoy going to a musical and not just say he would enjoy going to a musical.

BEN Z. 

BraveBen also had a great week. Apart from a bench press convention, this was the best thing to showcase Ben’s Benness. Somehow he managed to stick his hand in a dirty toilet and then almost immediately put that hand on Kaitlyn’s face while they frenched. We also learned that Ben hasn’t cried in 11 years. So we’re now officially on cry watch. Exciting! If I was Kaitlyn I would make up really sad stories every time I was with Ben just to see if I could crack him. Like, maybe start with what JJ was thinking when he got that giant shoulder tattoo. Whatever made him do that was probably the saddest thing in history. But enough about JJ for now.

CHRIS THE DENTIST

Is Chris more than a good head of hair and a really white set of teeth? I bet we’ll find out soon. He seems to gentle and innocent for Kaitlyn. Like, if you tried to give Chris an edge by throwing him into a leather jacket he’d look like he was playing dress up in a real man’s clothes. Chris looks like he pronounces apple juice like, “appah –jew”. He’s like the oldest pre-schooler you’ve ever seen. So safe.

CLINT

This guy can’t be real. I’m not buying it. Here’s my theory. He and JJ got together and figured out that neither of them are really into Kaitlyn at all. But they both like the extended, free vacation. They also like the camera time. So they openly decided to become villains on the show. I don’t know if we’ve ever had someone openly refer to themselves as a villain. He’s sullying this sacred adventure and it looks like he’ll be thrown out next week. How will JJ take the news? From the scenes it looks like he’ll smack his own face a few times. JJ is a dad. But that’s enough about JJ for now.

COREY

Corey’s face continued to be just on the wrong side of weird. He didn’t do a ton last night but Kupah dropped an awesome hammer in his rant when he yelled (to no one in particular) “I mean, Corey S. is still here? Really???” That just about sums up Cory S.

THE BETTER COREY 

Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

Ok, I’m just gonna say it. Ian’s kinda soft for a former college track star. Even one that’s been hit by a speeding car. That or maybe he’s just got a lot of extra belly skin so when he sits down his 6 pack disappears. I suffer from that affliction. That isn’t too many donuts. It’s just how God made us, Ian.

JARED

I’m going to say something about Jared that will change the way you see him. If you don’t want that to happen, stop reading now. Ok, those brave enough to read on, here it goes. Jared has super lazy eyelids. It’s like he blinks in slow motion. He always looks really tired. It’s the the weight of his hairline is pushing his eyelids shut all the time. Maybe that’s why he has brutal eye contact. Still, he isn’t a jerk. He’s like this season’s Cody–the bodybuilding douchebag with the ducktails haircut who made friends with Chris Soules. Harmless, but kinda dumb. Also, Cody could wear Jared like a backpack.

JJ THE TURD

Man this guy is hateable. The way he was standing in that sumo outfit–gut out, drinking a beer. He has all the self unawareness of Michael Scott with none of the heart. He tried to back down Tony and if there’s one you don’t do, it’s that. It’s also, getting a shoulder tattoo that bad. Oh, and it’s everything else he does. I can’t believe this guy is a dad. The only redeeming quality he has is that if you sit kind of far away from your computer screen right now and let your eyes go cross-eyed, he kind of looks like Dr. Jack Sheppard M.D. “Kate! We need to go back! We were never supposed to leave this island!” Gosh, who am I kidding. JJ looks like this.

JOE

Joe let it all hang out last night and no I’m talking about his feelings I’m talking about his left ball. What’s weird is that Joe’s face kind of looks like a ball. So there you have it. Joe is consistent.

JONATHAN

Jonathan made facial expressions this week. That’s about it. He’s fat to trim from the real contestants.

JOSHUA

Joshua owns 3 shirts. I think we’ve seen him in the one he’s wearing in this picture, like 5 times already. He’s such a nice guy though. He needs to move off his farm and into a city. Start small with Boise or something. You’d clean up in Boise, man. If there’s one thing I know about women in Idaho it’s that they love to hear about how periods work. You’re already one step ahead of the game. Enjoy it, Joshua.

JUSTIN

Justin’s the one guy who still has a shiner from the boxing match. He’s soft. Like, literally. I feel like he uses way too much facial lotion. But, he did make out with Kaitlyn this week. Actually, how hard is that? She’s kissing everybody. The crazy haired producer that was trying to interview Kupah has probably enjoyed some lip on lip. Justin seems destined to be lost in the shuffle. Stuck in the middle between the crazy dudes and the guys with a shot to win.

KUPAH

HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

How is it that there’s a gay scandal on the show and Ryan B(RAVO) isn’t a part of it? You’ve gotta assert yourself, man. Get up in there and be you. Throw those fake glasses to the side and dive headfirst into some Clint. The water’s douchey.

SHAWN B.

UglyGossling seems like a nice enough guy. He’s like that white guy that was really into hip hop in high school. He was probably pretty good at hoops. Maybe he drove a Honda CRX with Kicker 10’s in the back. He wears Cool Water cologne. There’s no way this guy didn’t spend a ton of time at the mall during middle school. He strikes me as the kind of guy that was really excited to grow a beard.

TANNER

Tanner remains a non-factor. He isn’t going to win but he isn’t going to offend. Despite wearing a black v-neck undershirt in this picture. Who goes to Fred Meyer and looks at the underwear section and decides to get the black undershirt? It’s guys like Tanner that keep black undershirts on the shelves. Fascinating.

TONY

Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

 

Till next week when JJ slaps his own face and the fantasy suite exposer, Nick returns.