Week 3 – I’m a woman and you’re a man

I couldn’t be the bachelor. I just could not be the bachelor. And it isn’t about the outdoor plumbing, the oiled-up crunches, or the need to constantly be giving speeches about my feelings. I couldn’t be the bachelor because being made out with by women that taste like whiskey and pepperoni, with dry, stupid mouths, and arms like Channing Tatum is just too much for me to bare.

Poor Prince Farming. He’s getting mouth violated on the regular. It’s painfully awkward for us to watch. Imagine what it’s gotta be like to live it! To be trapped in a hot tub with Jillian’s man-hand clutching your thigh. To have to sit there while Kim Kartrashian (not my nickname) sobs and laughs historically before wrapping her Jersey mouth around your entire face. I don’t know if Chris Soules is a stronger man than I or if he just really likes the taste of desperation.

Speaking of, gosh this show is full of dumb. Like, I don’t mean to be negative but man, this is some awful shiz. These ladies are terrible, save for less than a handful of normal. Jimmy Kimmel joked about getting dumped but honestly, he is borderline as desirable as most of these women. And before you think that’s gay of me to say, look again at Jillian’s shoulders.

It feels bleak, but we must press on. For love. Let’s see how the ladies did.

 

ALISSA

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Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER

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Amber, it’s not your fault. I mean, it kind of is your fault for going on the show but it’s also not your fault. ABC needs a black bachelor. It’s the only way the world can change. The bachelor is what will finally end prejudice in America.

(TR)ASHLEY I

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You know when you’re in somebody else’s car and they like to have the heat on and it smells like car-heat and everything is stuffy? You know when a TV is like two volume clicks too loud and it just sort of eats at you? You know when you take a giant handful of popcorn and there’s a hair in it and as you chew the hair just gets all tangled up in the mushy popcorn in your mouth and you just want to get everything out of there and stick your face under a waterfall? Put way too much makeup, fake lashes, and stupid accessories on those experiences and you’ve got Kartrashian. Every time she’s on screen I just want to dim the picture, kill the volume, and move my couch back a foot or two. It’s like, I can’t look directly at the screen. And I know my face looks like I just smelled a fart–even writing this my face has the “somebody just farted” face. Chris needs to give Ashley the “Ross Gellar tone it down a little” hand gesture. In fact,…

ROSS G

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All the roses.

ASHLEY S

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Ashley S was 1 minute away from going an entire episode without doing anything crazy. Then, when she received her rose her eyes just went insane. It was like she was looking through Chris, through the mansion roof, through the clouds, and the atmosphere, and into space. Ashley S was contacting her alien race and signaling a go for attack. Shoot. It’s happened. Ashely S has turn me insane. I’ve caught it like a cold. 😦

BECCA

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Becca rules. She’s normal. She’s cute. And she didn’t try to force a kiss. In fact, when the perfect kissing opportunity presented itself, Becca shot Chris down because as she said, “I just wouldn’t do this in normal life and I don’t want to be someone I’m not.” Becca is the exact opposite of almost every other woman on this show. She’s zigging while everybody else zags. In two hours of nasty it was so refreshing to see five minutes of nice. I am behind you, Becca!

BRITT

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Every season the weaker women start dressing the same. They wear the same terrible accessories. They wear the same lipstick color. But all of this has to start somewhere. It has to come from someone. And that someone is usually the most manipulative, emotionally unstable woman of the bunch. On Bachelors in Paradise it was closet organizer Ashlee. I’m calling Britt as this season’s patient zero. She is the one handing out those terrible headbands. She is the one making others wear bright pink lipstick. She may look all calm and collected but I think Britt is a closet train wreck. And she’s always mugging for the camera. Britt thinks this show is about her. Britt, you suck.

CARLY

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Carly! She comes at us with the line of the season! She is a woman and there’s no way she’ll let Chris forget it. And I guess when you’re in the same troop as Jillian, it’s probably worth clarifying. Carly is charming and peppy and apart from being a cruise ship singer, she seems normal. She also has a face for a farm. Look at that face and tell me you can’t see her serving coffee with a smile at the local pancake place. Will Carly win? Probably not. But she’s way better than most of the gals on this thing. You go farmface!

JADE

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Jade is the super-shy, coy one who somehow tricks Chris into a little in-bed make out. How does Jade do this? Could it be that she’s not all that shy and is instead a Playboy model? Fake coy!!!!! She fake coy’d Chris! If he’d only looked down at her giant white heels. That’s a lot of heel to wear to a pool party in your own back yard. You’re crafty, Jade. I’m watching you.

JILLIAN

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I mean, c’mon. The working out. The flexing. The aggressive hot tub clutching. I can’t even. I need a week off.

JORDAN

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Did Jordan look at this as a free trip to LA or do we think she has a legitimate drinking problem? Her bio says she wants to be Brittany Spears for a day. Can we get somebody to check in with Jordan once she gets back to Colorado? Just to make sure she eats before she drinks? Maybe buy her some bread? Nothing fancy. No 9 grain or anything. Just something white and processed to soak up all the alcohol. Buy her the Jordan of breads.  

JUELIA

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Juelia has a sad story. She does. And we should all have sympathy for her. And we will, for this week. Juelia gets the sympathy rose after interrupting a french-kissing pool party to tell her story to Chris. And poor Chris. He’s expected to hear this story and then immediately go make out with another woman on a bed, then another “woman” in a hot tub, then a train wreck of makeup and tears dangerously close to a rooftop. Where were we? Oh yeah. Juelia. Here’s the thing. She is one of the weaker women who is wearing Britt’s second-choice clothing. And I know this is bad but Juelia is just not TV attractive and the way she pronounces words (feelings as fillings  and help as hewp and things as thingas) suggests she might not be the sharpest tool in shed. And again, she has a sad story. (And again she kind of has a dumb-face. Like, a dumb looking face.) In any other situation, this would be super mean to talk about, but this is the hunger games of forever love. There is no mercy here. Ok, there’s one week of mercy.

KAITLYN

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I didn’t understand Kaityln’s outfit. Was her bellybutton hidden by her white tube-tank top thing? Or was it hidden by her fashion sweatpants? I don’t know anything. I’m just a regular guy but I feel like if you’re going to show some torso, don’t make it a guessing game. Guys don’t want to have to wonder if you’re a robot working with SkyNet. Show us you have a belly button. Does anybody else feel like Kaitlyn needs an audience? That she’s sort of auditioning for some kind of role in showbiz? Call me crazy but I just can’t see Kaitlyn doing well with Chris’s super-sweet farm family. She’s too rough and tumble. Short story long, Katilyn comes from Vancouver. So does Nickleback.

KELSEY

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Not a ton of Kelsey this week. Next week looks like she finally gets her due. I’m expecting big things from her. Don’t blow this, Chris! She drank goat’s milk for you!

KIMBERLY

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The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

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I don’t know if Mackenzie is young, stupid, or young and stupid but she just continues to embarrass the North West. Cracky like a crack whore? Why are you kissing any of the other women when you kissed me a few days ago? What is Mackenzie thinking? Actually, strike that. We know exactly what Mackenzie is thinking because she has no inner monologue. Whatever comes into her brain (which isn’t much) is spewed out into the world. I feel like the moderator of the academic bowl in Billy Maddison. “Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to you. I award you no points. And may God have mercy on your soul.” In fact…

BILLY MADDISON MODERATOR GUY

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This guy gets it! He understands!

MEGAN

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Megan, the Grand Canyon date girl, didn’t have much to do this week. She did ask Trashley I, “Do I look good?” That’s troubling. That means Megan has low self esteem AND that Trashley I is having a big effect on the other women. She’s co-manipulating things with Britt. Megan, you show flashes of brilliance. Believe in yourself. Trust yourself. And get as far from New Jersey as possible.

NIKI

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Who in the world is Niki? We got a few bites from her and she seemed normal. Sure her job is, “Former NFL cheerleader”. But you can former NFL cheerlead from anywhere in the country. A farm is as good a place as any. With my dark horse school teacher Tracy out, Niki has the chance to take that normal-woman spot. Good luck, I guess.

SAMANTHA

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Samantha does nothing. But again, she has dark hair and nice eyes. That might be enough when compared to the crazies and the manlies. Maybe she’ll do more next week.

TANDRA

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Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA

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I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY

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Uggg. My dark horse. Dead. Tracy did nothing for the entire show. Was she not aggressive enough? Did her old-face-young-body do her in? Between Tracy’s face/body and Kaitlyn’s belly button there was just way too much confusion for one house. Too many questions. Something had to give. Sadly, it was Tracy. Goodbye. I’m sorry you will have to live with nine cats. 

TRINA(‘S MOM)

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You know when a vampire lady doesn’t get he blood of a virgin man by midnight and she ages super rapidly until she becomes dust? (See Once Bitten) I think we might have a vampiress on our hands. Trina aged like 20 years in the 4 days she was in L.A. What the heck? What happened? I mean, nobody’s going to miss her. On night one she was elitist and probably racist. This show has no patience for probably racists. (Only actual racists). Old Trina, take care of yourself. Maybe look into some calcium chews. I had one once because I was feeling really snaky. They aren’t that bad. 

WHITNEY

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I’ve been on team Whitney since night one. Does she have the voice of a child or a cartoon lady-mouse? Yes. But if you can just get past that there is so much to love. She’s smart, she’s pretty. And she’ll crash a wedding! I had such high hopes for Whitney going into her one-on-on but things looked bad early. Awkward silences. Windy hair. Luckily, Whitney can think on her feet. She rocked the wedding, saving Chris’s bumbling a$$ more than once. And that is attractive. When a woman “rolls the cobb”. Smart and witty is good. Giant lats are not good. It’s not that hard.

 

I’m glad we’re through this week. It was rough. It looks like next week we’ll get some good girls on dates and some evil girls looking jealous. Oh, and some trampy girls getting naked. Bring it on.

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