Week 4 – Sponsored by Cinderella in theaters soon!

Hello again. And welcome. This week, the annual painful product placement episode meets the annual painful dress a girl up in fancy clothes like a princess episode. Throw in some tough-mudding, and “lake” camping and you’ve got a fun 2 hours of television.

I know this is about the women, but we can’t have this show without the man. Our bachelor, Christopher Soules. Here’s the thing about Chris Soules. He sucks at dating. It’s amazing and you’d think this would hurt the show. But it doesn’t. Chris is the stammering’est guy I’ve  seen on TV, maybe ever. Apart from really voluptuous man-pecs, Chris has no business being the bachelor. The guy can’t express himself with words. And you wonder why he’s always kissing these chicks. It’s all he knows. He’s a touchy feely guy.

This was his rebuttal after Britt completely owned him before the rose ceremony:

“I mean,…it’s just that, and then…I guess what I’m trying to say is….you know what I mean? Ummm…..There are many facets to Kaitlyn. And, then…you know?”

It was really something. There’s starting a sentence and halfway through not remembering where you were going. And then there’s 16 year old me trying to teach myself how to drive a stick on the way to my job at Fabric Land. Just a fumbling mess of stalling the car at traffic lights. All sweat and shame and not really getting anywhere. And that is our man, Chris Soules having a conversation.

Few other quick things sticking with me this morning:

  • There’s a right way to be a virgin and there’s a wrong way to be a virgin.
  • When a rose is on the line, the bottoms come off before the top.
  • Have a 5 year plan.
  • Be from a small town if possible.

OK, on to the ladies.

 

ALISSA

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Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER

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Amber, it’s not your fault. I mean, it kind of is your fault for going on the show but it’s also not your fault. ABC needs a black bachelor. It’s the only way the world can change. The bachelor is what will finally end prejudice in America.

(TR)ASHLEY I

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How many red flags does the world have? Every time Ashley does anything I picture a million Chinese people standing behind her in a large city square, waving tiny Chinese flags. Just a see of red flags. A sea of warnings. This week Trashley called Kelsey “Phony Bologna”. She did this while adjusting her hair extensions, and just minutes after applying a 10th coat of lip gloss at dark campfire. She was pissed that Jade was chosen to be a princess because Jade wasn’t princess material. Ashely has always identified with Disney princesses. Her dream is to be a princess. SHE IS AN ADULT WITH AN UNHEALTHY LOVE OF DISNEY! Cue a million Chinese people. She woke up Chris and told him super random stuff about being conservative despite dressing like a ho. And then she made out with him as he was literally falling asleep sitting there. She broke down into tears after telling Chris she’s a virgin. As if he cares at all. And yeah, we’re all either virgins or have been virgins in the past. It can be hard, and isolating. And awkward to talk about. But nobody cares! Ashley I’s virgin story has taken up like 45 minutes of air time. Brooke’s virgin time has taken up 6 seconds. Living with Ashely would be a nightmare! And yet, some dude out in Trenton or something is gonna love this girl. And I guess that’s a great thing about this world. No matter how sucky you are at everything, there’s somebody who will love you for who you are. I could write a book about Ashely I but I’ll take my own advice and….

ROSS G

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ASHLEY S

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Chris! What have you done??? You had a woman who knew that you are a Scorpio and didn’t care! You had the dream. And you pissed it all away. It was only a matter of time before whatever Ashley S is, had to go. On a show with a woman who talks about getting probed by aliens, like a lot (Mackenzie), a woman who’s eyes bulged out of her face (that crazy-eyed gal from night one), a woman with roid rage (Jillian), and a dangerously aggressive virgin (Trashley), Ashley S is the crazy one. That is impressive! And while we never reached Mesa Verde territory after that night with the zombies, I think we’re all going to miss our Ashley. She went out with a bang (“Woooo”) and no feelings whatsoever. Ashley, you are fascinating and I’ll leave you with the classic high school yearbook fallback. Have a rad summer. Don’t change. 

BECCA

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See, Becca is a regular virgin. She doesn’t have to cry about it. She doesn’t wake up Chris in the middle of the night to talk about it. She just acts like a normal person. It can happen. Somebody needs to sit Ashley I down and watch this episode like football players watch game film. Becca is stable. Is she a little too stable? We need to see some silliness. If She can show that she’s got some silly, Becca can find herself choosing to forgo her separate room and instead, staying in the fantasy suite as a couple. A couple of cuddlers.

BRITT

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Britt, you are a bad actress. It’s why you’re waiting tables in Hollywood. Did you really think you could fool Chris’s sisters into thinking you’d fit in Iowa? These are salt of the earth people! They fill America’s breadbasket. You probably don’t even eat bread do you, Britt? And then, you master-manipulated Chris into questioning your biggest rival, Kaitlyn. And that’s really what she is to you. A rival. Because in your mind this is a game how dare you not treat this like the honest to goodness search to find forever love you’ve got me so incensed I’ve stopped using punctuation I can’t imagine what you’d even look like without make up your whole world is made up. Respect the journey, Britt. This is super real.

CARLY

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If there was ever any doubt that Carly has a face for farming, just look at Chris’s sisters. Carly fits on a farm. She’s kind of dolled up. I don’t understand her eyebrows at all. They’re like two C’s turned downward. But that kind of stuff is ok on a farm I think, because why not? Seriously, look at that face and tell me she couldn’t convince you to get a side of bacon with your flap jacks. Carly was made for this.

JADE

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Jade. The perfect girl to be made into a princess. She isn’t expecting anything. She doesn’t already see herself as a princess. Jade is made for the farm. She’s a small-town Nebraska girl who moved to Hollywood, fell in with the wrong crew, got some really bad tattoos, may’ve been taken advantage of, and ended up in Playboy. It’s like a Gun’s and Roses song. But there’s still so much Jade left after whatever happened to her, happened to her. She isn’t beyond saving. And what better place to be saved than in Iowa? It worked for Terrance Mann in Field of Dreams. I’m rooting for you, Jade.

JILLIAN

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Jillian is woken up when the sisters arrive and says she’s embarrassed. That she wouldn’t want to meet Chris’s family while wearing a tiny bkikini and covered in sweat and drool. Really? You come in different ways than that?  In the end of all this, you’re a person with feelings. Just because giant deltoids and a Lattimore-from-The-Progam personality aren’t my thing doesn’t mean some man out there wasn’t watching this and falling in love. I think you’re deluded about a few things but I’m just one man. Chris mentioned that based on attraction, you were in his top 3. That baffles me. Carly asked last night if your pen1s was bigger than Chris’s. And Carly was made for this, I’m just sayin. Like Trashley, I hope you learn some things from watching this show. I hope it doesn’t break you, or dampen your enthusiasm. You should be who you are. Just, maybe less of it. I really hope you find love. And I really hope that love is petite because that would be hilarious to see around town. 

JORDAN

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Did Jordan look at this as a free trip to LA or do we think she has a legitimate drinking problem? Her bio says she wants to be Brittany Spears for a day. Can we get somebody to check in with Jordan once she gets back to Colorado? Just to make sure she eats before she drinks? Maybe buy her some bread? Nothing fancy. No 9 grain or anything. Just something white and processed to soak up all the alcohol. Buy her the Jordan of breads.  

JUELIA

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Last week, Juelia picked a hormone-infused tequila pool party as the perfect, most appropriate setting to tell Chris about the saddest story known to man. This week the last petal from Juelia’s sympathy rose fell to the ground and it was time to see her go. But not before Chris walked her out of the mansion, beat his chest, started to say something and then got tongue-tied by his farmer brain. Goodbye, Juelia. Good luck.  

KAITLYN

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On the one hand, Kaitlyn took her bottoms off and got drunk at a roadside “lake”, then told us all that it was the perfect setting for her. Ladies I hope your daughters were watching. On the other hand, she was the only one who actually tried to get deep with Chris. He reciprocated by pointing at the moon and saying, “look at that”. Men, am I right? But then back on the other hand, Kaitlyn is muggin’ for the cameras back at the campfire. I feel like she is constantly keeping stock of how well she’s doing at being on The Bachelor instead of developing true feelings. Muggin’ isn’t a good reason to propose to somebody. Kaitlyn could be this year’s girl to get kicked off and not care at all. She’ll be fine. She’ll go on some late night talk shows that she will enjoy but won’t get paid for, move to Vancouver, become a bartender and love it. But I just don’t see her winning this thing. And if she does, I give the engagement 3 months.

KELSEY

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Once when I was 12 years old I got to meet Ken Griffey Junior. It was after a game in the Kingdome and I was in the tunnel where only  family and friends are allowed. I went to the game with Henry Cotto’s best friend’s daughter. I was standing there, next to 4 or 5 other kids. I was the only white kid. And yeah, I was wearing a turtleneck under a t shirt. Griffey came out of the locker room. I was in awe. This was my hero! He looked at all of us kids, one at a time and came back to me. He stared right at me and said, “Who the hell is this? Who let this kid in here? Who you with, man?” I was frozen. Then, annoyed, he pointed at all the other kids and said, “You, you, you, you, come with me.” and he took them into the locker room with him to meet the other players while I was left to stand there holding my Uperdeck rookie card and a pen. I had not felt that confusion and sadness again until last night, watching Kelsey. What the heck????????  Kelsey! What the heck was that????? Your normal sweetness turned sour. I mean, sure that wasn’t a lake. And  yeah you were stuck with 7 other women in bikinis, all yelling at nothing in particular and drinking hard A in the middle of the day. And yes you got stung just inches from your lady bits but come on! Find a way to have a little fun. We were all rooting for you! You were america’s sweetheart! The widow with a heart of gold. And now you’re the show villain? How does that happen? What are we supposed to believe in? And next week’s scenes look like a friggin train wreck! I don’t even know. I just…I… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiZNSzWIaLo

KIMBERLY

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The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

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Whatever. I think Mackenzie was wearing this same dress in last night’s episode while she tried to console a crying virgin.

 

MEGAN

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Megan did precious little last night. She lost her train of thought once because she isn’t very smart. And that’s Megan.

NIKI

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Finally one of the nameless brunettes went home. Was she ever even there? Niki got less screen time than Ashley I’s belly button ring. 

SAMANTHA

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Amazing. Samantha hasn’t said I a word in what, a month since this show started? And yet she’s still in the hunt. Yo go girl?

TANDRA

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Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA

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I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY

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Uggg. My dark horse. Dead. Tracy did nothing for the entire show. Was she not aggressive enough? Did her old-face-young-body do her in? Between Tracy’s face/body and Kaitlyn’s belly button there was just way too much confusion for one house. Too many questions. Something had to give. Sadly, it was Tracy. Goodbye. I’m sorry you will have to live with nine cats. 

TRINA(‘S MOM)

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You know when a vampire lady doesn’t get he blood of a virgin man by midnight and she ages super rapidly until she becomes dust? (See Once Bitten) I think we might have a vampiress on our hands. Trina aged like 20 years in the 4 days she was in L.A. What the heck? What happened? I mean, nobody’s going to miss her. On night one she was elitist and probably racist. This show has no patience for probably racists. (Only actual racists). Old Trina, take care of yourself. Maybe look into some calcium chews. I had one once because I was feeling really snaky. They aren’t that bad. 

WHITNEY

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Whitney used the tried and true method of looking great in a wedding dress to get the first rose at the rose ceremony. Whitney is gonna be tough to beat in this thing. I’m telling you! Like, if Carly is serving a really friendly cup of coffee in the small-town diner, Whitney is running her own midwest-dress shoppe and coaching the high school cheerleaders to an improbably run at state. She’s got the bone structure and the height to be farm royalty. Britt should be more worried about Whitney than Kaitlyn. You watch.

 

Next week we go to Santa Fe and things get hot!(air baloon’y).

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