Two episodes in two nights. What a time to be alive! Shoot, that last sentence doesn’t seem super appropriate.

How are we supposed to watch this season? Do we focus on seven guys jumping into the same hotel bathtub and air-toasting with fake champaign glasses? Is it ok to laugh at how upset Josh M. was to lose a pickup game of hoops? I mean, he had to leave the locker room and go stand alone next to the court. His team was called The 5 of Hearts and his number was drawn on with a sharpie!

Or do we focus on the death of Eric, Dylan’s hard life, and Ron’s friend dying suddenly? I’m so confused. I. AM. EXHAUSTED. AND I TRY SO HARD TO GIVE EACH GUY A CHANCE AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW…oh, sorry. I slipped into my Andi breakdown voice.

Seriously though. As cheesy as the show is, I thought they did a nice job handling last night’s episode. Hats off, Chris Harrison. And good on Andi for showing up to talk about Eric.

We better get to our douchewatch before the tv actress emotions start pouring out of my face.

 

Nick V. 

Sunday night was huge for Nick. While we didn’t see a ton of him last night, he’s done something Eric couldn’t. Nick started strong and he’s been progressing steadily every episode. Checkered shirts and ties. It’s a winning formula.

Josh M. 

Ok. This might be offensive. It might not. But where else besides a bachelorette recap email can you test cultural boundaries? Josh has this way of speaking. I’ve seen it before in my white friends. They change their accent while talking to black people and then it kind of lingers for a minute or two after the conversation is over. It’s like all of a sudden I’m standing next to Marshall Mathers or something. Josh has this accent running all the time. It’s distracting. He sounds like a milder version of Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait. Add that to Josh’s weird kissing, his bicep tattoos, and his general idiocy and I’m calling it now. No way Josh wins this thing. No way he becomes the next bachelor. He’s basically Cody with dark hair and anger issues. I’m off Josh.

Markus

If Nick V isn’t the favorite, Markus has to be up there. Andi has been into him from the second he stepped out of the limo. Last night he proved to her that their love can conquer anything because they repelled down a hotel together. What’s sickness and health, richer or poor when you’ve scaled the side of a Connecticut hotel/casino together? The only thing that goes against Marky Markus is that he’s already dropped the “falling in love” line. Is that a record? We’re like 4 episodes in! As Josh M would say, “Check yo self” Markus.

Dylan

Dylan. That was legitimately sad last night. You can tell the guy is still shattered by the deaths of his siblings. Maybe that’s why he’s so monotone. He has one facial expression. I’ll bet they begged him to smile in his promo picture and this is what they got. But after putting up such big walls, this probably feels like an ear-to-ear grin to the guy. I hope for only good stuff for Dylan. He needs something to break his way.

J.J.

JJ is tall, and somehow after the gut-wrenching loss to the Rosebuds, he managed to tuck himself into a tiny locker. JJ was so broken up about the loss he had to sit in the fetal position and rock himself back to sanity. It’s just more evidence that JJ is a nice guy but he’s not emotionally strong(dull) enough for this adventure. We can’t be more than 2 weeks away from an epic JJ meltdown. We could see some ugly crying. Like, snot out of the nose stuff.

Nick S. 

Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can¹t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there¹s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don¹t know that you¹re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man. 

Carl

You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

Chris did what farmers do. He sat back and didn’t say much. I mean, are there loud farmers? Think about the guys that Kevin Costner meets at the supply store in Field of Dreams. Nobody ever thinks about them.

Eric

We saw the cracks starting to form on Sunday night. Eric was getting weird. Last night took things to a whole new level. Was Eric wrong about Andi maybe playing to the cameras a little? Probably not. Was that absolutely the worst possible thing he could’ve said to a girl he was trying to get to know? Yes. And it got him a cab ride out of Connecticut. He didn’t even get a limo! His decision was pretty brutal, and if he was still alive we’d be ripping on his strategy. But he’s not still alive so we’ll just move on. Sad stuff. 

Brian

A coach with no game. The irony. And how many of us guys have done exactly what Brian did last night. Not exactly. I doubt even one of us has made a half court shot on command while also on a dating show. But how many times have we let moments pass without kissing girls we like? It’s never not crushing. The banging of our steering wheels on drives home. The swearing at ourselves. The questioning about where our balls went and if we’d ever find them again. But Brian rebounded (basketball joke) from that in fine fashion and got his kiss. What’s better is that Andi loved it! She’s feelin coach. In fact, I’m moving Brian into my top 3!!! Ahead of Josh M. And who wouldn’t be fine with Brian winning this thing? I’d love to see Andi as a small-town Pensilvania lady.

Bradley

Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

We got almost nothing from this season’s hottest couple. We do know that Patrick has terrible shooting form. And that things seem to be fine with Andrew and the rest of the guys. Maybe that’s what a trip to Connecticut will do. The magic of such an exotic location. It’s the kind of place where people forget their troubles. Come to Connecticut. [bad bumper sticker idea]

Tasos

Tasos was such a non-factor and so obviously-probably gay that ABC didn’t even bother showing us his exit. No judgements, Tasos. Just confusion. This season is so confusing! You seem like a very polite fellow and I’ll bet you plan the hell out of a wedding. Good luck in life, man. Opa! 

Cody

And then there was Cody. The last of the obvious cuts. But you know what? Cody’s not that bad. Yes he showed up to the hotel wearing shorts with a scarf and a beanie pulled way back on his head but that’s just Cody. That’s just what he does. He’s that kind of guy you grow to tolerate, and then like. I’d hang with Cody and probably forget about his Codyness, until we went out in public. He’s way more likable than Josh and AndrewandPatrick. You go, Code.

Brett

America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

Marquell Fresh. Another night. More laughs from Andi. But still no kissing. You’ve gotta move fast, Marquell. Fake a fall and land with your lips on hers. Do anything. Just make it happen. You can do it, man.

Ron

Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.