Last night America’s pain train pulled into Venice where more douche-bag hearts where ready to be broken. Because Venice has water for streets it makes perfect sense to put Andi in a boat and have her fake-look at the sites. Italy is after all, her favorite country…

The guys show up, all of them wearing at least one piece of neon. Cody’s shirt collar defies logic, but what’s new. That’s what he does best. Later, we’ll see the deepest V in franchise history.

How confused are the gondola drivers by what they’re seeing? I mean, they dress up in striped shirts and steer boats with red velvet seats, and yet the bachelorette is 10 times sillier than anything a gondola driver does in a given week. Does this make a gondola driver feel better about himself? Does it ease his pain when he goes home to an ashamed and distant Italian wife?

We also got really intense detective types administering a lie detector test that, we were promised, would deliver shocking secrets! And who was doing the lying, ABC? What a crock. Nobody was outed as having a hidden family. Nobody was caught in the act of being there for the wrong reasons. We didn’t even get to see the results!

Does Amanda Knox watch this episode? Or is it too painful? Another question for another email string.

Let’s get to the guys and just hope that Foxy Knoxy is ok, wherever she is right now. We’re thinking about you Foxy. Always thinking about you.

Nick V. 

Nick shows up in a black leather coat and a scarf that’s gotta be triple tied. How long is that thing when it isn’t in a thousand knots? Where does a man buy a scarf that long? Nick is all scarves and fashion coats. He gets date number 1 and uses it to assure Andi that he isn’t a villain. I haven’t seen him do one villainous thing, apart from last week’s cringe-worthy poem. But the other guys just hate him. Is it jealousy? Is Nick V doing stuff we don’t see on camera? He seems like one of only two guys left that might actually fit with Andi. Who’s the other guy??? We don’t have to look too far to find him..

Josh M. 

That’s right, it’s Josh. Good gracious this guy. If he’s not the dumbest sack of rocks this show has ever trotted out there. It’s gotten to the point where everything he does or says makes me want to hit my own face. Yeah he’s from the south but his accent is something different. I literally think his accent is “stupid”. There’s also something really troubling about his hairline. I can’t put my finger on it. He can’t win this thing and I think having to watch him every week as the next bachelor would be painful. No more Josh. Just stop it. Stop talking.

Markus

Markus is like a green bean that’s been cooked too long. He’s just kind of limp. His whole vibe is just so soft and delicate. You just want to slap him in hopes it would wake him up but one slap would probably be enough to send him slinking off into the dark. The only edge Markus has is the hard line of his manicured chest hair. Markus is like being stuck in the middle seat of a really long flight. You can feel every second of it. You just want it to end. You just want out. But he managed to awkwardly french is way into another week. We’ll see you in Brussels.

Dylan

Dylan admits to not washing his hands after he goes to the bathroom and then questions why he’s sick and has to leave the group date early? It’s because the germs in your poop jump onto your hands when you’re sitting on the toilet and then into your mouth when you’re eating buttered popcorn 2 minutes later. WHO ARE THESE GUYS???? IS THERE A DECENT ONE IN THE BUNCH? You’ve got the idiot (Josh M.) the ninny (Markus) and now a guy with poop germs on his hands??? WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD MEN???? Am I right sisters? Eff!

J.J.

UUUUUUUUUUUGH. Poor double J’s. Our boy showed up to the rose ceremony looking like a POW. He was all sweaty with greasy hair and a fever-beard. Was he eating cocktail snacks straight from Dylan’s hands right before the rose ceremony? JJ was a nice guy. Yeah he stirred up some stupid drama from time to time. And sure, his pants were embarrassing. But he was all heart. All heart and emotions. JJ wasn’t built for this. And it bit him in the end. But look at JJ and look at Andi. They never would’ve been happy together. JJ needs some weirdo hispster-chick he can be awkward with. Andi is all sparkly dresses and blow-out haircuts. As strange as it is to say, JJ has too much style for Andi. We’ll miss you, tall-skinny Jason Segal. Good luck in love. Don’t cry at the Men Tell All. 

Nick S. 

Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can¹t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there¹s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don¹t know that you¹re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man. 

Carl

You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

Everybody’s favorite farmer is also Andi’s secret admirer? Well done, man. Chris has come a long way from his pity date at the horse track. He might be the best guy left but could it really work with Andi? And is there enough appeal from America to make Chris the next bachelor? Even if he’s dumped back in Iowa, there’s no way every gal in the heartland wouldn’t kill to be with Chris. He’s looking at a bright future with the hearty, corn-fed midwestern girl of his choosing.

Eric

We saw the cracks starting to form on Sunday night. Eric was getting weird. Last night took things to a whole new level. Was Eric wrong about Andi maybe playing to the cameras a little? Probably not. Was that absolutely the worst possible thing he could’ve said to a girl he was trying to get to know? Yes. And it got him a cab ride out of Connecticut. He didn’t even get a limo! His decision was pretty brutal, and if he was still alive we’d be ripping on his strategy. But he’s not still alive so we’ll just move on. Sad stuff. 

Brian

We didn’t get much of Brian this week, just a realization that something funny’s going on with his lips. They always looked chapped. Like he chose this time in his life to try to beat an addiction to chapstick. You know, Chapstick actually just makes your lips more chapped. Brian is also always a little sweaty. The human body is an amazing thing isn’t it? A man’s forehead can be moist as the amazon but just a few inches down it’s dry like the sahara. What a strange mystery.

Bradley

Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

Andrew is accused of something pretty friggin terrible and pretty friggin hard to make up. There’s no way he didn’t say that word, or at the very least, something like it that’s probably just as bad. So, not cool man. But we don’t have to worry anymore. Because as the saying goes, leave with the girl you came with. Finally, Andrew and Patrick can be happy together. When Patrick said, “I’ve heard from a lot of people, and not just girls, that I have all the qualities to make a great husband”, who do you think he was talking about? Andrew! These guys should at least give it a shot. Just hug for a second with patting each other’s backs. Yada yada yada, I know pronounce you man and man. It’s a beautiful story and ABC would make a killing on a televised wedding. Good luck you two. Love wins. 

Tasos

Tasos was such a non-factor and so obviously-probably gay that ABC didn’t even bother showing us his exit. No judgements, Tasos. Just confusion. This season is so confusing! You seem like a very polite fellow and I’ll bet you plan the hell out of a wedding. Good luck in life, man. Opa! 

Cody

That. Was. Painful. Like the end of Old Yeller. But it didn’t happen right away. We had to watch Cody set himself up as the man who knew his love was not felt in return. Who writes letters to Juliet? Is that really a thing? And what dude does that? How do you even find out it’s even an option? But there he is. Writing his own letter to Juliet and reading it in front of Andi as she’s working up the courage to break his heart. A heart we can see because he’s wearing such a low cut V. His outfit was like something Grace Jones would’ve worn in an early 80’s bond movie. And not in a good way. Cody never stood a chance and his rambling pleading to Andi to keep him around, all while she is crying, it just couldn’t have ended any other way. Somewhere there’s a girl who loves lady shirts and a ducktails haircut on her men. That, or Cody will be alone forever. 50/50. 

Brett

America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

Some guys get kicked off this thing and you worry about what they’re going home to (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). And some guys, you just know they are going to kill it as soon as they land in their hometowns. Marquell is going to kill it. He seems like a solid dude. He smiles, even when he’s crying for very legit reasons. A smiling crier? How is that not awesome? I guess as long as it isn’t someone who’s doing it while cutting you into tiny pieces and putting you in the refrigerator for later (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). We’d wish you good luck, Marquell. But you aren’t gonna need it. 

Ron

Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.