Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER – Gone after week 2

Amber, it’s not your fault. I mean, it kind of is your fault for going on the show but it’s also not your fault. ABC needs a black bachelor. It’s the only way the world can change. The bachelor is what will finally end prejudice in America.

(TR)ASHLEY I

I mean…I just…I don’t even know. That was incredible. The cockiness. The lack of any self-awareness. The outfit with dangly belly button ring set against the stark simplicity of South Dakota. The “WE BOTH GOT OUR MASTERS, KELSEY…AND MINE IS FROM A GOOD PLACE OKAY!!!!” When she was dumped and started crying and sort of threw a temper tantrum and yelled “I can’t believe you told her!!!” Then ran away, then stormed back to Chris, then ran away a little, then stormed back then blubbered a weird laugh-crying type thing. Trashley is just amazing. And how incredible was it that the least in-touch person on the show delivered the realist thing we’ve seen all season when she answered Chris’s suggest that she wasn’t ready for farm life with the truth bomb, “AND BRITT IS!!!????” That was beautiful. I can’t wait for the Women Tell All to hear if Trashley has changed. To see what she’s wearing. Is she gonna take the Kardashian wannabe thing a step further or will she realize how pathetic that is and tone it all down? How long will her eye-lash extensions be??? I’m so sad to see her go and yet my life is a little cleaner because she’s gone. And how to the guys back in Jersey feel about her? There are just too many questions. If Trashley doesn’t get a spot on the next Bachelors in Paradise it will be a public tragedy on the level of Sanderson Poe. 

ASHLEY S – Gone after week 3

Chris! What have you done??? You had a woman who knew that you are a Scorpio and didn’t care! You had the dream. And you pissed it all away. It was only a matter of time before whatever Ashley S is, had to go. On a show with a woman who talks about getting probed by aliens, like a lot (Mackenzie), a woman who’s eyes bulged out of her face (that crazy-eyed gal from night one), a woman with roid rage (Jillian), and a dangerously aggressive virgin (Trashley), Ashley S is the crazy one. That is impressive! And while we never reached Mesa Verde territory after that night with the zombies, I think we’re all going to miss our Ashley. She went out with a bang (“Woooo”) and no feelings whatsoever. Ashley, you are fascinating and I’ll leave you with the classic high school yearbook fallback. Have a rad summer. Don’t change. 

BECCA

Becca rode little Butternut, or whatever that horse’s name is right into Chris’s heart. These two are the type of couple that looks like brother and sister. I don’t know a ton about rural life (Iowa) but I think that’s a good thing. Chris laughs at Becca’s non-jokes. Becca laughs at Chris laughing. It’s an endless circle. Yeah she lives in San Diego which is like the best place on earth but I feel like she’s got a southern accent and a voluminous Texas-sized haircut. I think she could do ok on a farm in the middle of nowhere. I’ve got Becca in my final four and wouldn’t doubt if she made the final two!

BRITT

We all know Britt is the absolute worst. But just what-if with me for a second. What if Britt knows she isn’t real. Has she lied to herself so often that she believes this whole journey of love is an actual thing? Or does she just show up, not shower, put on a ton of makeup and let Chris do all the supposing. Come to think of it, Britt hasn’t been overly proactive in professing any feelings for Chris. She hasn’t told us how much she wants to live on a farm. Maybe Chris knows that Britt would never work on a farm and he just wants to make out with her for as long as the other, wife-material women will let him. It’s like Britt’s the only contestant in a totally different show that’s happening in parallel. And here’s the thing, she’s winning that competition. Part of me wants to see her go because we all know this isn’t real and Britt sucks as a person. But part of me wants to see Chris keep her around and propose, just to see what Britt does. It’s like she’s playing with fire a little bit here. Let’s watch her get burned. Or let’s watch her stick around, hoping to finally get a free trip to a tropical location, only to remove herself from the competition before any awkward proposal goes down.

CARLY

Carly was made for this. And I mean all of this. She has a Face for Farming™. But she’s also so good on camera! So natural. Carly is cool and funny. In fact her greatest weakness is herself. She has a self-esteem problem. That “problem” is that 10 other women are now dating the man she’s falling in love with. We can’t blame Carly for being sad so much. She’s a normal, awesome person and her boyfriend is basically cheating on her in front of her at almost all times! Carly either needs to become the next bachelorette where she has all the power. Or she needs to be dumped by Chris, move off the cruise ship and into a small town, and start dating the local high school football coach. Where are you, Young Eric Taylor?

Eric Taylor

Oh, there you are. Look at you. Jason Street is still walking. You’re taking over a powerhouse high school program. You don’t know about all the tears that will be shed over the years. You don’t know how your daughter will get super chesty. You aren’t thinking about East Dillion. Young Eric Taylor, your entire life is still ahead of you and you don’t even know it yet. God bless you for all you’re about to give us.

JADE

Last week Jade got cold in warm weather. This week she needed to run down the street in a ghost town to rise to the occasion. When it comes to whitewater rafting and writing/singing her own country song Jade needs a lot of hand holding. And that’s all love is, really. Whitewater rafting and writing/singing songs. With this logic, which is air tight, it appears Jade might not be ready for marriage. And yet she kind of rose above her fears and delivered a pretty gutsy performance. Still, it wasn’t enough to keep Chris from disappearing with Britt for over an hour, leaving the women to sit in the most depressing bar in the most depressing town in the most depressing state in America.

JILLIAN – Gone after week 3

Jillian is woken up when the sisters arrive and says she’s embarrassed. That she wouldn’t want to meet Chris’s family while wearing a tiny bkikini and covered in sweat and drool. Really? You come in different ways than that?  In the end of all this, you’re a person with feelings. Just because giant deltoids and a Lattimore-from-The-Progam personality aren’t my thing doesn’t mean some man out there wasn’t watching this and falling in love. I think you’re deluded about a few things but I’m just one man. Chris mentioned that based on attraction, you were in his top 3. That baffles me. Carly asked last night if your pen1s was bigger than Chris’s. And Carly was made for this, I’m just sayin. Like Trashley, I hope you learn some things from watching this show. I hope it doesn’t break you, or dampen your enthusiasm. You should be who you are. Just, maybe less of it. I really hope you find love. And I really hope that love is petite because that would be hilarious to see around town. 

JORDAN – Gone after week 2 and Sante Fe

She’s back! And this time she’s sober, we think. But it’s all a little random. Did she just want to be a little more famous? Did the producers promise her free access to the mini bar in her Buffalo Casino room? How many girls will get booted twice this season. Chris is the master of the second chance. Not because he’s forgiving or into grace. It’s because he can’t refute any argument, ever. He doesn’t have the speaking skills to do it. But, it didn’t work out for Jordan. The other women just weren’t havin’ it. Goodbye Jordan. Please don’t drink on your drive home. 

JUELIA – Gone after week 3

Last week, Juelia picked a hormone-infused tequila pool party as the perfect, most appropriate setting to tell Chris about the saddest story known to man. This week the last petal from Juelia’s sympathy rose fell to the ground and it was time to see her go. But not before Chris walked her out of the mansion, beat his chest, started to say something and then got tongue-tied by his farmer brain. Goodbye, Juelia. Good luck.  

KAITLYN

Kaitlyn rapped her country song and I think it may’ve been the first time the word “beaver” was bleeped by the censors at ABC. I feel sorry for beavers. They’re just out there building dams and being eager. What did they ever do to become a bad word? Keep beav’in, beavers. It’s not your fault.

KELSEY

Monday night, Kelsey told us all that she is immeasurably blessed. I contend that it is not Kelsey but all of us who are blessed. Blessed for having known Sanderson Poe’s widow. Blessed for witnessing one of the greatest all time bachelorettes in history. In fact, Kelsey’s crazy face should most definitely be etched into the mount rushmore of bachelorettes along with Courtney the evil model, Tiara the one who would not be robbed of her sparkle, and whoever else you want. The smugness!!!! What Kelsey thinks is elegance, the rest of humanity recognizes as murdery. She speaks about the journey as something she wants to win and then chastises Trashley for playing it like a game. She triple ties her scarves. She self-diagnoses a panic attack and then reveals she’s never had one before. How would she know what a panic attack was like? That’d be like if she said, “I know what it means to have a human soul”. She’s never had one so how would she know. When the date cards are written, Kelsey is overjoyed at the notion of a 2 on 1. It’s the perfect! The arrogance begins, and then takes constant leaps as she brags about her knowledge of the badlands and names the presidents as they’re flying past mount rushmore. Things get even creepier when they touch down.She’s confronted by Chris about being a giant B-word and manages to throw Trashley under the bus. Then, after Chris dumps Trashley, Kelsey consoles him as a wife consoles her husband. Her arrogance had grown to the highest of highs the second before Chris dumped her. IT WAS PERFECT!!!!!!!  She was then, left with her nemesis in the middle of nowhere. The only better outcome would’ve been if Chris, Ashley and Kelsey had to fly back to town together after Chris dumped them both. I would watch a spinoff show where Ashely and Kelsey fly around in helicopters and tell viewers about historical events. Is the Travel Channel reading this? How is it that hard to get these two into a helicopter and flying around the Statue of Liberty! We will miss you Kelsey. Good luck in your job as a….wait. WTFTHISWOMANISAGUIDENCECOUNCILER?????? Kelsey is in charge of shaping young minds?

“The Emperor has already won”. – Obi Wan

KIMBERLY – Gone twice weeks 1 and 2

The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

Kale! Mommy is coming home! Mackenzie, you came, you talked about aliens and how men love to deflower virgins more than life itself. I’d call that a successful few weeks. All of Maple Valley, Washington is your oyster so…go to it?

MEGAN

When Megan travels internationally (New Mexico) good things happen. Thank the Lord she hung around for another week. Megan is just a delight. She’s the sideshow in this brutal game of love. She’s like the jester at a Medieval Times restaurant. There’s a jester at Medieval Times, right? Keep being you, Megan. Keep doing Megan things.

NIKI – Gone week 4

Finally one of the nameless brunettes went home. Was she ever even there? Niki got less screen time than Ashley I’s belly button ring. 

SAMANTHA

Finally, the run is over. The quietest woman in bachelor franchise history goes quietly. What’s next for Samantha? Who knows!! I have no clue where she’s from, what she does, or who she is. Here’s better whatever Samantha will do, she’ll do it quietly. 

TANDRA – Gone week 2

Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA – Gone week 2

I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY – Gone week 3

Uggg. My dark horse. Dead. Tracy did nothing for the entire show. Was she not aggressive enough? Did her old-face-young-body do her in? Between Tracy’s face/body and Kaitlyn’s belly button there was just way too much confusion for one house. Too many questions. Something had to give. Sadly, it was Tracy. Goodbye. I’m sorry you will have to live with nine cats. 

TRINA(‘S MOM) – Gone week 3

You know when a vampire lady doesn’t get he blood of a virgin man by midnight and she ages super rapidly until she becomes dust? (See Once Bitten) I think we might have a vampiress on our hands. Trina aged like 20 years in the 4 days she was in L.A. What the heck? What happened? I mean, nobody’s going to miss her. On night one she was elitist and probably racist. This show has no patience for probably racists. (Only actual racists). Old Trina, take care of yourself. Maybe look into some calcium chews. I had one once because I was feeling really snaky. They aren’t that bad. 

WHITNEY

Last week I referred to Whitney as princess Diana-like. This week she rose to queen status. She’s like the official spokesperson for all the women. She’s the one who confronted Kelsey. She sort of stood for all the women who where ditched in the dive-bar while Chris and Britt awkwardly danced at the country show. We all know Britt won’t win. I think Whitney is the front runner of the realistic ladies who are left. You know when you go to Spaghetti Factory really excited about mazithra but you get there and the waiter says they’re all out of mazithra so you’re bummed but it’s not that bad because the bread is bottomless and the creamy pesto is the best salad dressing of all-time, the spumone ice cream is free, and you can still get meat sauce at a reasonable price? Whitney is mazithra. Carly is meat sauce. Kaitlyn is the buddy you go with after 18 holes of birthday golf. Megan is the girl who wonders how they got the train car in the restaurant. Becca orders vanilla ice cream. Whitney is just where it’s at. Whitney will always be, every woman.

 

Now I’m really hungry. Next week I don’t know what happens because I don’t like spoilers.