Today I woke up especially sad for North Korea. I mean, I’m always sad for North Korea. Their food is fake and their leader, Kimberly Jong-un has a haircut you’d see on Orange is the New Black. Not a pretty woman. But that is not why I’m especially sad today. I’m especially sad for North Korea because they don’t get to watch The Bachelor.
This show is just the absolute best! And we got four hours of it (the Chris Tells All thing was unwatchable and does not count) in two days. I don’t remember a season where the heroes were so heroic and the villains so villainous. Where idiocy has been so blatantly combated with logic.
Britt: Guys, I’m definitely going home. There’s nothing that could change my mind so miss me lots and cry for me right now emkay?
Carly: I don’t believe you. You change your mind every five seconds.
Britt: Guys, it’s been literally 5 seconds and I have an update. I’m probably going home unless Chris begs and tells me I’m the prettiest and promises me a correspondent job on Extra.
Carly: [Eats hair in frustration]
And it’s not just the girls. It’s Des(perately wanting to be a real city) Moines. Come live here! We have exposed brick everywhere!!! It’s Arlington, whose welcome to sign reads “Where the Hills Meet the Prairie”. I would’ve gone with “The Badlands of Iowa” or “Simply Corn”. And it’s Chris who just stays out of the way and lets the stars of this show, the women, do their thing. Chris is a great straight man. He shows up wearing at least 4 layers and either stares blankly or giggles.
There’s a ton to cover and I know most of you work for a living and either read this thing while your boss is getting lunch, or while you’ve taken your phone into the office bathroom. I don’t want any legs to fall asleep while you’re sitting there. So let’s get right to the ladies and see how they survived.
And remember, the latest to get voted out will be in blue text. Blue because they are sad. 😦
KIMBERLY – Pyongyang
Sure, a life on the farm is going to be a lot of work, but girl you gotta try a little harder. Let the sides of your hair grow down. You get points for never wearing a bra because that’s pretty sexy but it’s not enough to get you a rose. Be kind to your people, Kimberly. Be a better woman.
ALISSA – Gone after night 1
Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out.
AMBER – Gone after week 2
Amber, it’s not your fault. I mean, it kind of is your fault for going on the show but it’s also not your fault. ABC needs a black bachelor. It’s the only way the world can change. The bachelor is what will finally end prejudice in America.
(TR)ASHLEY I – The Badlands
I mean…I just…I don’t even know. That was incredible. The cockiness. The lack of any self-awareness. The outfit with dangly belly button ring set against the stark simplicity of South Dakota. The “WE BOTH GOT OUR MASTERS, KELSEY…AND MINE IS FROM A GOOD PLACE OKAY!!!!” When she was dumped and started crying and sort of threw a temper tantrum and yelled “I can’t believe you told her!!!” Then ran away, then stormed back to Chris, then ran away a little, then stormed back then blubbered a weird laugh-crying type thing. Trashley is just amazing. And how incredible was it that the least in-touch person on the show delivered the realist thing we’ve seen all season when she answered Chris’s suggest that she wasn’t ready for farm life with the truth bomb, “AND BRITT IS!!!????” That was beautiful. I can’t wait for the Women Tell All to hear if Trashley has changed. To see what she’s wearing. Is she gonna take the Kardashian wannabe thing a step further or will she realize how pathetic that is and tone it all down? How long will her eye-lash extensions be??? I’m so sad to see her go and yet my life is a little cleaner because she’s gone. And how to the guys back in Jersey feel about her? There are just too many questions. If Trashley doesn’t get a spot on the next Bachelors in Paradise it will be a public tragedy on the level of Sanderson Poe.
ASHLEY S – Gone after week 3
Chris! What have you done??? You had a woman who knew that you are a Scorpio and didn’t care! You had the dream. And you pissed it all away. It was only a matter of time before whatever Ashley S is, had to go. On a show with a woman who talks about getting probed by aliens, like a lot (Mackenzie), a woman who’s eyes bulged out of her face (that crazy-eyed gal from night one), a woman with roid rage (Jillian), and a dangerously aggressive virgin (Trashley), Ashley S is the crazy one. That is impressive! And while we never reached Mesa Verde territory after that night with the zombies, I think we’re all going to miss our Ashley. She went out with a bang (“Woooo”) and no feelings whatsoever. Ashley, you are fascinating and I’ll leave you with the classic high school yearbook fallback. Have a rad summer. Don’t change.
Let’s start in Iowa where Becca gets a 4 minute 1 on 1. They sit on a couch in a trendy looking loft. Things seemed fine. I think they kissed in front of a sunset. But nothing really happens when Becca goes on dates. On the other hand, I think we’re witnessing a full on Becsual awakening. Listening to her family you’d think Becca is either a closeted lesbian or a sociopath, incapable of human emotion. Is it just that her sister is basically a version of Becca that’s been pumped full of Chick-fil-A? Wracked with jealousy, Becca’s sister threw poor Becca under the bus, big time. The basement of her parent’s place is where joy goes to die. Becca’s mom followed up BiggerBecca in the trashing of our gal, leaving Chris to wonder what the heck was going on. Why were there gym lockers behind the couch? And sure, Becca’s mom made some decent points but still. If I were him I’d want out of there, fast. Get me to a ferris wheel for some elevation frenching. Becca moves on to what will probably be a non-event virgin conversation before entering the fantasy suite. I don’t know where to put Becca. I’d say she’s too vanilla to be the next bachelorette but Chris is doing just fine as a safe bet. I don’t know if Becca will win this thing either. I’m still confused about that terrible shirt she wore in Shreveport. Were those wings for sleeves? Was that a cape? I was so confused.
That was perfect and so predictable. There was no way this Hollywood “waitress” was going to let her family be shown on camera and had this moment pegged from the start as the time she’d walk out on the show. I just love that, for her trouble, she got to see a country and western concert in Deadwood and take a 6 hour road trip to nowhere Iowa. The temper tantrum after not getting the rose after the Des Moins group date was spectacularly douchey and Chris’s response was brilliant. He didn’t pull her aside. He just told her how it is and left. She wanted validation and he straight up left! THEN at the rose ceremony she pulls him aside and before she can break up with him, Chris just slams the door in the best way possible. Britt then walks outside and positions herself within earshot of the girls and starts to fake cry as loudly as she can, expecting one of them to come to her aid because in her mind, she’s been on The Briitchelore this whole time. It is so satisfying to see a bullspitter called on his or her bullspit. It was like eating dessert! That said I’m gonna miss Britt. She was the perfect villain. Kesley was delusional and probably a killer. Trashley was like one of those girls from that MTV show Sweet 16. Britt was different. She was so obviously lying to all of us and after Chris had gotten as much make out time as he could, he called her on it. She thought she was using the show for fame but really, Chris was using her for a whole lotta first base action. Goodbye, Britt. You won’t be famous and if you’re approached to do some nude modeling, please don’t accept.
I freakin’ loved Carly. Some people think she was overcome by jealousy but I think she was just a freakin’ reasonable adult. And she was reasonable without being freakin’ boring. This chick is freakin’ FUNNY! And she’s totally cute. Get her to an eyebrow technician at Gene Juaraz and I could see Carly getting a job as a host on E! or Extra, way before Britt ever sniffs the small screen. And how awesome would that be? Carly just never really had a chance. She was just sort of there, being awesome for us viewers but never really being noticed by Chris. This whole time I’ve been mentioning how I could see Carly working in Arlington at a charming diner. After seeing what’s become of Arlington I’m kind of glad Carly won’t end up there. There is no diner!!! Arlington is an hour away from the nearest Starbucks. It’s three hours from the exposed brick and art museum of Des Moins. Arlington isn’t a small town it’s a non-town. They could tear down the buildings and put in more corn and none of us would notice. Carly is just too spunky for that. I’m not worried about her at all. She’ll find a hunky piece of fireman or something. She’ll sing him songs that are actually really good. He’ll tell her he loves her and he’ll mean it. She’ll be an awesome mom and a cool neighbor. That, or she’ll go on Bachelors in Paradise, not end up with a guy, feel worse about herself, get an empowering and terrible tattoo, go back to the cruise ship because that’s all she can do, get scurvy, and die at sea.
I’m cringing just writing this. That was paaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiinful! Her little house in Nebraska. Her crying father, who’s had to go through a life of accepting his daughters love for being bad. Her brother’s haircuts, each worse than the last. And Chris talking to them all about family values. The tension built by the edit was terrifying. Would one of Jade’s brothers out her before Jade could gracefully tell Chris her secret? The look on Jade’s family’s faces was priceless when Chris kept going on about how tame Jade is. And that’s the thing. This is actually complicated and messy. Sarah and I had an actual long and in-depth conversation about Jade after the show. Just so many layers! Yes she can be who she wants and yes there are consequences to our actions and yes no one has to live with the burden of shame and oh my gosh she’s going to tell him. Ok, that was painful but not the worst. Wait. Oh man. Oh my gosh. Oh please don’t…SHE’S SHOWING HIM THE PICTURES!!!!! CHRIS IS SITTING IN THE AWKWARDNESS OF SEEING JADE NAKED WHILE SHE’S NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH THIS CANNOT GET ANY WORSE. OH MY GOSH NO!!!! THERE’S A VIDEO!!!! THIS IS DEFINITELY WORSE. CHRIS’S FACE!!!!!!! I mean what in the world do you do in Chris’s position???? And is Jade coming clean? Is she bragging? I don’t understand!!!! If Chris gets a little excited is he evil? Nobody wins in that situation, including us. That was one of the most cringeworthy scenes I have ever seen on this show. Also, sidenote: If it’s nude, is it really modeling? Like, what are you modeling? You’re naked. “Jade, jade…who are you wearing tonight?” “I mean, I’m nude, so no one?” Right? Ok, back to the scene. I thought Chris handled himself like a friggin champion. That was perfect. And for all his stumbling and mumbling he just straight up owned that unownable moment. A huge hats off from all of us dudes, to you Christopher Soules. And he did it in a way that it was ok not to give a rose to Jade. It was just perfect. Jade, I just pray that you won’t go back to L.A. Here,http://livability.com/top-10/small-towns/10-best-small-towns/2014. I’ve done the work for you. Take your pick. Rural ladies need cosmetics. Open a small shop. Find people that won’t take advantage of you. Or keep modeling naked. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOOOOOOOW!!!!!
JILLIAN – Gone after week 3
Jillian is woken up when the sisters arrive and says she’s embarrassed. That she wouldn’t want to meet Chris’s family while wearing a tiny bkikini and covered in sweat and drool. Really? You come in different ways than that? In the end of all this, you’re a person with feelings. Just because giant deltoids and a Lattimore-from-The-Progam personality aren’t my thing doesn’t mean some man out there wasn’t watching this and falling in love. I think you’re deluded about a few things but I’m just one man. Chris mentioned that based on attraction, you were in his top 3. That baffles me. Carly asked last night if your pen1s was bigger than Chris’s. And Carly was made for this, I’m just sayin. Like Trashley, I hope you learn some things from watching this show. I hope it doesn’t break you, or dampen your enthusiasm. You should be who you are. Just, maybe less of it. I really hope you find love. And I really hope that love is petite because that would be hilarious to see around town.
JORDAN – Gone after week 2 and Sante Fe
She’s back! And this time she’s sober, we think. But it’s all a little random. Did she just want to be a little more famous? Did the producers promise her free access to the mini bar in her Buffalo Casino room? How many girls will get booted twice this season. Chris is the master of the second chance. Not because he’s forgiving or into grace. It’s because he can’t refute any argument, ever. He doesn’t have the speaking skills to do it. But, it didn’t work out for Jordan. The other women just weren’t havin’ it. Goodbye Jordan. Please don’t drink on your drive home.
JUELIA – Gone after week 3
Last week, Juelia picked a hormone-infused tequila pool party as the perfect, most appropriate setting to tell Chris about the saddest story known to man. This week the last petal from Juelia’s sympathy rose fell to the ground and it was time to see her go. But not before Chris walked her out of the mansion, beat his chest, started to say something and then got tongue-tied by his farmer brain. Goodbye, Juelia. Good luck.
Kaitlyn continues on. If there’s one gal that I hated from the get go that’s grown on me since, it’s Kaitlyn. She’s spunky without being annoying. She barely mugs for the camera anymore. She uses humor to hide feelings but you can see her walls breaking down and it’s kind of adorable. Even the way she told Chris she loves him. She couldn’t say the words. Instead she bought a sad, electronic billboard in an abandoned lot somewhere in Arizona. Kaitlyn’s family seems super nice. Even her sister’s John-and-Kate-Plus-8 haircut was sort of charming in that, “Canada adopts the worst of American fashion like 8 years after it sweeps our midwest” kind of way. It would be a shock if Kaitlyn wins but she brings something so nice for us when pitted against Whitney’s stateliness and Becca’s blandness. Could Kaitlyn be the next Bachelorette? She’d be really fun on camera. I don’t know. Again, this friggin show just has my brain in knots. Who saw that coming? Regardless of what’s next for Kaitlyn, you can really root for her. Just please stop rapping. Please, no more. Just, don’t do that.
Monday night, Kelsey told us all that she is immeasurably blessed. I contend that it is not Kelsey but all of us who are blessed. Blessed for having known Sanderson Poe’s widow. Blessed for witnessing one of the greatest all time bachelorettes in history. In fact, Kelsey’s crazy face should most definitely be etched into the mount rushmore of bachelorettes along with Courtney the evil model, Tiara the one who would not be robbed of her sparkle, and whoever else you want. The smugness!!!! What Kelsey thinks is elegance, the rest of humanity recognizes as murdery. She speaks about the journey as something she wants to win and then chastises Trashley for playing it like a game. She triple ties her scarves. She self-diagnoses a panic attack and then reveals she’s never had one before. How would she know what a panic attack was like? That’d be like if she said, “I know what it means to have a human soul”. She’s never had one so how would she know. When the date cards are written, Kelsey is overjoyed at the notion of a 2 on 1. It’s the perfect! The arrogance begins, and then takes constant leaps as she brags about her knowledge of the badlands and names the presidents as they’re flying past mount rushmore. Things get even creepier when they touch down.She’s confronted by Chris about being a giant B-word and manages to throw Trashley under the bus. Then, after Chris dumps Trashley, Kelsey consoles him as a wife consoles her husband. Her arrogance had grown to the highest of highs the second before Chris dumped her. IT WAS PERFECT!!!!!!! She was then, left with her nemesis in the middle of nowhere. The only better outcome would’ve been if Chris, Ashley and Kelsey had to fly back to town together after Chris dumped them both. I would watch a spinoff show where Ashely and Kelsey fly around in helicopters and tell viewers about historical events. Is the Travel Channel reading this? How is it that hard to get these two into a helicopter and flying around the Statue of Liberty! We will miss you Kelsey. Good luck in your job as a….wait. WTFTHISWOMANISAGUIDENCECOUNCILER?????? Kelsey is in charge of shaping young minds?
“The Emperor has already won”. – Obi Wan
KIMBERLY – Gone twice weeks 1 and 2
The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again.
Kale! Mommy is coming home! Mackenzie, you came, you talked about aliens and how men love to deflower virgins more than life itself. I’d call that a successful few weeks. All of Maple Valley, Washington is your oyster so…go to it?
Megan just wasn’t feelin’ it. She wanted to feel it. But it just wasn’t there. She’s a sweetheart and can turn off the dumb-blonde thing whenever she wants. Her exit speech was delivered so well. I dig Megan. I’ll miss Megan. I have no clue what’s next for her but I think she’d be super fun on Bachelors in Paradise. Quick note before saying goodbye: What’s up with her little promo picture above? It looks like her body was drawn on. There’s no definition. Was the intern in charge of photoshoping that day? Is she blonde Jessica Rabbit? Goodbye and good luck, Megan. I hope we see you soon.
NIKI – Gone week 4
Finally one of the nameless brunettes went home. Was she ever even there? Niki got less screen time than Ashley I’s belly button ring.
Finally, the run is over. The quietest woman in bachelor franchise history goes quietly. What’s next for Samantha? Who knows!! I have no clue where she’s from, what she does, or who she is. Here’s better whatever Samantha will do, she’ll do it quietly.
TANDRA – Gone week 2
Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.
TARA – Gone week 2
I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP.
TRACY – Gone week 3
Uggg. My dark horse. Dead. Tracy did nothing for the entire show. Was she not aggressive enough? Did her old-face-young-body do her in? Between Tracy’s face/body and Kaitlyn’s belly button there was just way too much confusion for one house. Too many questions. Something had to give. Sadly, it was Tracy. Goodbye. I’m sorry you will have to live with nine cats.
TRINA(‘S MOM) – Gone week 3
You know when a vampire lady doesn’t get he blood of a virgin man by midnight and she ages super rapidly until she becomes dust? (See Once Bitten) I think we might have a vampiress on our hands. Trina aged like 20 years in the 4 days she was in L.A. What the heck? What happened? I mean, nobody’s going to miss her. On night one she was elitist and probably racist. This show has no patience for probably racists. (Only actual racists). Old Trina, take care of yourself. Maybe look into some calcium chews. I had one once because I was feeling really snaky. They aren’t that bad.
What’s to say? Whitney was just Whitney’ish for two straight nights. She never gets angry at anybody. She rises above the drama. She’s cute and nice and smart and spunky. I mean, look at Whitney side-by-side with Britt. Whitney is a mature, real, person. Britt is a fake, narcissistic child. Whitney takes showers like a normal human. Britt is a dirty hobo. I almost think Whitney is too good for Arlington. I worry about her there. She’s got too much light to shine and there’s almost nobody in Arlington to enjoy it. Whitney is perfect for Des Moins. Small town. Leaves falling. She looks dynamite in a lady pea coat. Her uncle John is just the right amount of portly. He’s got a cherubic face. Even Whitney’s less dynamic, older sister was making good points. No I will not give my blessing to a man who’s dating 4 other women. Have him call me when you’re the one and we’ll go from there because I’m a logical person who cares about you. And who is Whitney’s dad? Who’s the guy that walked out on someone so charming? By now you might be thinking, “But dude, what about the voice???” Here’s the thing, I don’t even hear her high-pitched voice anymore. I’m desensitized or something. Whitney just makes way too much sense not to pick. If you’re Chris and you really want to stay in Arlington Iowa, this is your one and only chance to find someone like Whitney. Do not blow this, man. You can’t parlay your fame into a bunch of meaningless flings because you’re related to everyone within 3 hours of your little house with the updated kitchen. Snatch this girl up and thank your lucky stars Andi dumped you last year. I’ve called it from the beginning, Whitney is gonna win this thing.
Next week we finally get into some tropical stuff. The boat date. I’m sure someone will get the walk around/happen upon a peasant band and spontaneously start dancing date. Maybe we’ll get the fly to your private island and sit there with nothing to do date.