Week 7 – Sacred Ground

 

Six neon douchebags entered Belgium. Only four have emerged. That’s two less man scarves we’ll get to see next week. Two less deep v’s. And at least one less pair of hot pink pants. The dates were pretty unremarkable, save for a Patrick-Swayze-in Ghost moment on a pottery wheel and another concert where Andi and Josh were made to dance on an elevated box while confused Belgians looked on in horror.

It’s also worth noting that the gayest season in Bachelorette history jumped it’s own gay shark when Dylan (in pink pants and a ponytail) chased Bryan around the hotel suite with a pickle. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. If you’re looking for a homophobic bachelorette recap email to blow your inbox storage limit every Tuesday morning, this aint it. I’m just happy to see such progress, acceptance, and love in a world that could use a little more. I mean, look at Uganda. Look at Putin’s Russia. It’s bleak out there. Let us thank our lucky stars that we have Craig, Tasos, Patrick&Andrew, Dylan’s pants&ponytail, Markus’s manscaped chest hair line, Nick V’s toddler trench coat, Bradley’s bomber jacket and rougey cheeks, Cody’s spray tan, and Chris Harrison’s questionable divorce…

While the world around us crumbles in hatred and intolerance, The Bachelorette is a shining beacon of light, love, and freedom. USA! USA! USA!

Ok, let’s see how our gentleman did last night.

Nick V. 

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I never saw the side of Nick that the other guys hated, until last night. He’s like a little, smarmy b!tch. How many people in Nick’s life have wanted to just punch his stupid looking face? He’s got a King Goffrey kind of thing going on only with cowlicks on each side of his head. Take a look at his temples. It’s like the exact opposite of Princess Lea. And he’s always so bundled up. You can’t trust a man who’s always cold. That’s what my grandpa would say if he were still alive and if he watched this show. Somehow I’m not sure if The Bachelorette draws big numbers from the surviving WWII vets. Is Nick V’s b!tch a$$ the favorite? He’s gotta be. Josh is dim, Chris lives in a field, and Markus is a delicate flower. But who’s rooting for Nick V? Satan, that’s who. Beezelbub.

Josh M. 

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Josh is like Forest Gump in baggy sweatpants, without any of the charm or pingpong skills. Josh M is like a box of chocolates. I don’t know how to finish that line. Speaking of chocolates, we learned last night that Belgian chocolates are the way to Josh M’s heart. Not steak. Not getting to third base. No. Josh M loves chocolates. This guys suuuuuuuuuuucks. And his hometown looks like it’s going to be hilarious. Like, there’s a solid chance Josh still lives at home and I’ll bet half of it is because he has no employable skills, and half is because he’d miss his mom if he didn’t see her every day. Does Josh know how to work a washing machine? Can he be trusted around a hot stove? This guy is the worst.

Markus

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Markus talks to his mother 3 times a week. That’s probably the least surprising thing we’ve heard this season. I’d suggest he’s got a little Norman Bates thing going on but I don’t think Markus is capable of violence. The only thing he’s murdered is his chest hair line. Still, I’m curious to know more about where this guy comes from. I picture a lot of strange things on the walls. Maybe a little like a Red Robin only less fun. If any of the guys has dried flowers hanging from his bedroom, it’s Markus. Will he hide his Anne Geddes calendar before the cameras show up? Come to think of it, yes, Markus probably lives in a girl’s 90’s college dorm room. What’s that smell? It’s GAP Dreams. Ahhh. Do I want some Boones Farm? Well that depends, Markus. Do you have Pina Colada?

Dylan

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Dylan was neve gonna win this thing. Hats off to him for lasting this long. He had no business being on the show after coming out of such tough family stuff so recently. I’m almost glad it’s over for the poor guy. Head home and spend some time regrouping. Got no hate for ya Dylan. But we won’t miss you either. 50/50 he cries at the Men Tell All. 

J.J.

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UUUUUUUUUUUGH. Poor double J’s. Our boy showed up to the rose ceremony looking like a POW. He was all sweaty with greasy hair and a fever-beard. Was he eating cocktail snacks straight from Dylan’s hands right before the rose ceremony? JJ was a nice guy. Yeah he stirred up some stupid drama from time to time. And sure, his pants were embarrassing. But he was all heart. All heart and emotions. JJ wasn’t built for this. And it bit him in the end. But look at JJ and look at Andi. They never would’ve been happy together. JJ needs some weirdo hispster-chick he can be awkward with. Andi is all sparkly dresses and blow-out haircuts. As strange as it is to say, JJ has too much style for Andi. We’ll miss you, tall-skinny Jason Segal. Good luck in love. Don’t cry at the Men Tell All. 

Nick S. 

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Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can¹t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there¹s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don¹t know that you¹re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man. 

Carl

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You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

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Chris is actually pretty smooth for a dude that comes from a town of 758. 758! That’s not a lot of people! And judging by next week’s scenes, 758 is being generous. Has Andi not considered this? There were more rhinestones on her dress last night than people in Chris’s hometown. And this was great.

Andi: What would I do here for a job?

Chris: Well, there are opportunities to be a homemaker.

Totally not to be mean, but Chris’s mom looks suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper farmery too. Just something to consider. I’m not telling Andi what to do with that information. It’s just worth noting. This isn’t going to end well. Can Chris do enough to become the next Bachelor? I can’t wait to see.

Eric

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We saw the cracks starting to form on Sunday night. Eric was getting weird. Last night took things to a whole new level. Was Eric wrong about Andi maybe playing to the cameras a little? Probably not. Was that absolutely the worst possible thing he could’ve said to a girl he was trying to get to know? Yes. And it got him a cab ride out of Connecticut. He didn’t even get a limo! His decision was pretty brutal, and if he was still alive we’d be ripping on his strategy. But he’s not still alive so we’ll just move on. Sad stuff. 

Brian

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Brian went as far as chapped lips can take you. It just wasn’t far enough. He’ll be fine though. The Pennsylvania dutch ladies will be coming at him in waves…waves of grain. Amber waves of grain (USA!!!!). 

Bradley

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Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

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Andrew is accused of something pretty friggin terrible and pretty friggin hard to make up. There’s no way he didn’t say that word, or at the very least, something like it that’s probably just as bad. So, not cool man. But we don’t have to worry anymore. Because as the saying goes, leave with the girl you came with. Finally, Andrew and Patrick can be happy together. When Patrick said, “I’ve heard from a lot of people, and not just girls, that I have all the qualities to make a great husband”, who do you think he was talking about? Andrew! These guys should at least give it a shot. Just hug for a second with patting each other’s backs. Yada yada yada, I know pronounce you man and man. It’s a beautiful story and ABC would make a killing on a televised wedding. Good luck you two. Love wins. 

Tasos

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Tasos was such a non-factor and so obviously-probably gay that ABC didn’t even bother showing us his exit. No judgements, Tasos. Just confusion. This season is so confusing! You seem like a very polite fellow and I’ll bet you plan the hell out of a wedding. Good luck in life, man. Opa! 

Cody

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That. Was. Painful. Like the end of Old Yeller. But it didn’t happen right away. We had to watch Cody set himself up as the man who knew his love was not felt in return. Who writes letters to Juliet? Is that really a thing? And what dude does that? How do you even find out it’s even an option? But there he is. Writing his own letter to Juliet and reading it in front of Andi as she’s working up the courage to break his heart. A heart we can see because he’s wearing such a low cut V. His outfit was like something Grace Jones would’ve worn in an early 80’s bond movie. And not in a good way. Cody never stood a chance and his rambling pleading to Andi to keep him around, all while she is crying, it just couldn’t have ended any other way. Somewhere there’s a girl who loves lady shirts and a ducktails haircut on her men. That, or Cody will be alone forever. 50/50. 

Brett

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America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

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Some guys get kicked off this thing and you worry about what they’re going home to (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). And some guys, you just know they are going to kill it as soon as they land in their hometowns. Marquell is going to kill it. He seems like a solid dude. He smiles, even when he’s crying for very legit reasons. A smiling crier? How is that not awesome? I guess as long as it isn’t someone who’s doing it while cutting you into tiny pieces and putting you in the refrigerator for later (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). We’d wish you good luck, Marquell. But you aren’t gonna need it. 

Ron

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Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

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Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.

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