Week 8 – This will be better if you’re drunk

 

Is it just me or is this season losing steam faster than an old ladies tea kettle? It’s like the shot in every western where a train engine whistles. This season is like what happens when you buy a footlong subway sandwich but can only eat 6 inches of it, so you put the rest in the refrigerator. Only the next morning when you take out the bag and look inside, it’s just mushy bread and soggy tomatoes.

But why? Does a show only have so many runs at the same concept? Is it the guys? Are they boring? Soft? Is it Andi? Is she too TV actressy? The answer to all of these questions is yes. And still, I don’t blame any of them. There is something more damaging than Markus’s chest hair, Josh’s idiot face, Nick’s coat collection, and Chris’s weed eyes. It’s something I hope will not spread across this great land. It is, the male scarf.

Seriously. When have you seen a guy walk into the office with a delicate scarf and thought, “I really respect what that guy is doing right now. I want to know him more.”  You never think that. What you think is 1) Gosh I hope he doesn’t come over here. 2) I’ll bet he tried it on before he went to bed last night. 3) If he does come over here the only thing either of us will be thinking about is his stupid scarf. Conversation will be impossible. I’ll have to focus extra hard on what he’s saying so I don’t look stupid and I haven’t had enough coffee yet to do that.

Male scarves make everybody stupid.

Now that we’re clear, let’s move on. The teasers for hometowns looked great and yet, nothing really happened. Families were charming. Kids were cute. Career opportunities existed. They just can’t find any controversy on this show apart from the guy who died hang gliding, which isn’t even the fun kind of controversy.

Ultimately, it was Markus’s turn to go. In honor, I went to H&M, spent 7 dollars on a paper thin piece of cloth, went down to the waterfront, put it on a tiny wooden raft I made, pushed the raft out, and shot a flaming arrow at it. RIP.

Let’s douche.

Nick V. 

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Nick. So put together. It’s tough to tell on camera but he seems really petite. I’ll bet he buys a lot of mediums. We got some shots of Milwaukee. Is it just me or does Milwaukee look like Tacoma only with an amazingly cool art museum? They try on cheese heads. They go to a brewery. Was I the only one that wanted there to be a glove on one of the bottles going by? Pound sign we’regonnamakeourdreamscometrue

Nick’s family is huge. There’s gotta be some kind of Mormon or Catholic thing going on. Judging my Nick’s tired face I’d say they’re fill-in-the-blank orthodox. His mom is a sweet lady but I feel like she was dressed like a cougar from some low budget 90’s movie you find on Cinemax at like 11:00pm and you’re kind of scared it’s porn so you turn it before the neighbors see anything embarrassing on your TV. Nick’s youngest sister needs some dental work but she made up for it with some top notch cuteness. So precocious. She’s actually the best thing that’s happened this entire season. I’d watch a spinoff with her. Bachelorette Kids… No, that’s not it. We’ll think of something. Nick’s gotta be the front runner. Despite not being the best guy of the three, Nick isn’t an idiot and he doesn’t live on a farm.

Josh M. 

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Josh continued to annoy the S out of me. He took Andi out to play baseball and let her know that nobody comes out on ‘his field’ but people he really cares about. He must love the guys on his high school’s JV team. I mean, who says that? This guy is ridiculous. He’s also really protective of his brother and sister despite them both being adults. Does Josh have a job? Does he have any useful skills? Or will he keep looking for his parents to pay his way on trips to NFL games his brother won’t sniff the field in? If Josh wins this thing it’ll be a total, ‘they-deserve-eachother’ situation. And he can’t be the next bachelor, can he? The guy cries at the sight of his dog! He’s like an 11 year old kid in the body of a grown douchebag. He played 5 years in the minor leagues and didn’t make the majors, and he thinks he could just walk onto a field and be in the hall of fame? There has to be some kind of government program that can help find Josh a job. He needs to move on and never be on TV again. You suck, Josh.

Markus

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Markus. This season’s most polarizing bachelor. Some of you love him. Some of you hate him. He took Andi to a few Dallas strip malls and then sat her down in an actual strip club! That led to the longest butt shot of the season. I had my hand over my face for what seemed like an eternity and when I removed it, the camera was still stuck on Markus’s tighty whities. His family seemed ok. He had a niece that gets second place in the cute kid category. Nobody’s touching Nick’s sister. Markus wore pastel shorts. He fell too fast. And both may have cost him. He also got super emotional and kissed his overly-tan brother. Where is Markus’s mom from? Hungary? Denmark? Kazakstan? Was she forced out of Crimea? It’s a mystery. And for the moment, it doesn’t matter. Unless, Markus did enough last night to cement himself as the next bachelor. You came, you made us form an opinion, your wore a terrible scarf, and you left alone. Thanks for the memories, dear Markus. Till next time?

Dylan

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Dylan was neve gonna win this thing. Hats off to him for lasting this long. He had no business being on the show after coming out of such tough family stuff so recently. I’m almost glad it’s over for the poor guy. Head home and spend some time regrouping. Got no hate for ya Dylan. But we won’t miss you either. 50/50 he cries at the Men Tell All. 

J.J.

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UUUUUUUUUUUGH. Poor double J’s. Our boy showed up to the rose ceremony looking like a POW. He was all sweaty with greasy hair and a fever-beard. Was he eating cocktail snacks straight from Dylan’s hands right before the rose ceremony? JJ was a nice guy. Yeah he stirred up some stupid drama from time to time. And sure, his pants were embarrassing. But he was all heart. All heart and emotions. JJ wasn’t built for this. And it bit him in the end. But look at JJ and look at Andi. They never would’ve been happy together. JJ needs some weirdo hispster-chick he can be awkward with. Andi is all sparkly dresses and blow-out haircuts. As strange as it is to say, JJ has too much style for Andi. We’ll miss you, tall-skinny Jason Segal. Good luck in love. Don’t cry at the Men Tell All. 

Nick S. 

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Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can¹t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there¹s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don¹t know that you¹re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man. 

Carl

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You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

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Ok, so maybe the farm isn’t so bad. In fact, seeing Chris next to a farm was enough to get Andi going. And, if it wasn’t, Chris owns a home. Not a condo, not an apartment, a house. A clean house. This is a big deal to Andi, even though he probably paid 12K for it. But that’s the economy. Supply and demand and all that. Chris then hoped in a tractor and told Andi just how important this place is to him. She responded by saying she could imagine it was Tuscany. She’s basically saying she could live there if she just pretended it was somewhere else. And drank a lot of wine. Chris then pulls the, ‘sky-writing-I-love-you’ thing and it works like a charm. Farm frenching all over that corn. And then there’s Chris’s family. Pretty cool people. Lot of laughs. An older sister that looks like a prettier, older version of Julia Styles. A super-supportive mom. A dad that sicks to himself a little bit. They even played a fun game at the end of the night. Chris has to be the best guy of the last three. Will that be enough to get the job done? Is America ready for a farmer bachelor? I think so. I’m calling it right now. Chris will be the next bachelor. And even if I’m wrong, point me to a single girl in the midwest that wouldn’t jump all over this guy. Chris might be the biggest winner of the season when all is said and done.

Eric

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We saw the cracks starting to form on Sunday night. Eric was getting weird. Last night took things to a whole new level. Was Eric wrong about Andi maybe playing to the cameras a little? Probably not. Was that absolutely the worst possible thing he could’ve said to a girl he was trying to get to know? Yes. And it got him a cab ride out of Connecticut. He didn’t even get a limo! His decision was pretty brutal, and if he was still alive we’d be ripping on his strategy. But he’s not still alive so we’ll just move on. Sad stuff. 

Brian

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Brian went as far as chapped lips can take you. It just wasn’t far enough. He’ll be fine though. The Pennsylvania dutch ladies will be coming at him in waves…waves of grain. Amber waves of grain (USA!!!!). 

Bradley

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Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

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Andrew is accused of something pretty friggin terrible and pretty friggin hard to make up. There’s no way he didn’t say that word, or at the very least, something like it that’s probably just as bad. So, not cool man. But we don’t have to worry anymore. Because as the saying goes, leave with the girl you came with. Finally, Andrew and Patrick can be happy together. When Patrick said, “I’ve heard from a lot of people, and not just girls, that I have all the qualities to make a great husband”, who do you think he was talking about? Andrew! These guys should at least give it a shot. Just hug for a second with patting each other’s backs. Yada yada yada, I know pronounce you man and man. It’s a beautiful story and ABC would make a killing on a televised wedding. Good luck you two. Love wins. 

Tasos

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Tasos was such a non-factor and so obviously-probably gay that ABC didn’t even bother showing us his exit. No judgements, Tasos. Just confusion. This season is so confusing! You seem like a very polite fellow and I’ll bet you plan the hell out of a wedding. Good luck in life, man. Opa! 

Cody

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That. Was. Painful. Like the end of Old Yeller. But it didn’t happen right away. We had to watch Cody set himself up as the man who knew his love was not felt in return. Who writes letters to Juliet? Is that really a thing? And what dude does that? How do you even find out it’s even an option? But there he is. Writing his own letter to Juliet and reading it in front of Andi as she’s working up the courage to break his heart. A heart we can see because he’s wearing such a low cut V. His outfit was like something Grace Jones would’ve worn in an early 80’s bond movie. And not in a good way. Cody never stood a chance and his rambling pleading to Andi to keep him around, all while she is crying, it just couldn’t have ended any other way. Somewhere there’s a girl who loves lady shirts and a ducktails haircut on her men. That, or Cody will be alone forever. 50/50. 

Brett

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America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

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Some guys get kicked off this thing and you worry about what they’re going home to (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). And some guys, you just know they are going to kill it as soon as they land in their hometowns. Marquell is going to kill it. He seems like a solid dude. He smiles, even when he’s crying for very legit reasons. A smiling crier? How is that not awesome? I guess as long as it isn’t someone who’s doing it while cutting you into tiny pieces and putting you in the refrigerator for later (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). We’d wish you good luck, Marquell. But you aren’t gonna need it. 

Ron

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Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

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Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.

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