Week 9 – Throwin’ darts in the dark

Chris Harrison has written a romance novel.

Now that that’s out of the way we can continue on with a look at the Women Tell All (Women Told All? I don’t know how to write that since it’s in the past).

As we all know, the Women Tell All is usually not all that awesome which means this Bach Cap won’t be all that awesome.

Here are a few things we can always expect from a WTA episode:

  • There’s always one woman who wasn’t on the show very long but who tries to own the WTA.
  • The random guys in the audience are hilarious. How did they get there? Were they dragged by their wives? Is this how they got a hall pass to go golfing on their LA vacation? And how much crap do they get from their buddies back home? It’s amazing.
  • The show villains never redeem themselves because yes, they really are that bad in real life.
  • You can pick the next bachelorette based solely (Chris Soulesly) on audience applause. It’s gotta be Kaitlyn, doesn’t it?
  • The bachelor will have to field stupid, stupid questions from crazy, crying women.

Because not every lady made an impression we’re gonna take a quick look at them all up to here and I’m gonna leave what’s been done below as it kind of keeps of grounded on where we’ve been this season. Make sense?

Let’s do it. Moving from left to right on the stage. Back row first. These are gonna be quick.

NIKI

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Niki held true to what we knew of her. Which is nothing at all. Are we sure we don’t have a Hellen Keller thing going on here? Sidenote: I always get Hellen Keller and Harriet Tubman confused. Now you know something about me.

TRINA(’S MOM)

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She was pretty fiery and I think she should be given this year’s back row girl who talks too much award. Thanks for defending Carly, but nobody cares what you have to say. We hope you enjoyed your complimentary chardonnay. Bye now.

JUELIA

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This year’s not-TV-level-attractive lady couldn’t control herself a few times, bashing Kelsey for how she grieves Sanderson and calling Britt the most calculated person she’s ever met. Thanks for joining in, Juelia. Leaving on a high note is the best you can do as a back row girl.

TARA 

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Tara looked distressed all night but wasn’t able to muster any words. You know when you see someone fall in public and the first look they have on their face is like, “Lord please make this so it never happened”. It’s the same look a toddler gives after hurting him/herself when they look to parents to see if, by their reaction, they should have a meltdown. That’s what Tara’s resting face is. I hope, for her sake, that a doctor can do something to help her with that. Maybe a pill, or a balm or something. A salve.

AMBER 

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Amber was quiet on the show. She was pretty quiet in the back row. I feel like producers quick cut to her a bunch just to remind us all that african americans do like this show, despite the live studio audience looking like the casting call for a Kate Gosselin biopic.

MEGAN

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Megan had big hair and got offended. Her mom got offended too.

SAMANTHA

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She blamed Kelsey for ruining her chances at a rose. Anytime Kelsey is blamed for something a kitten gets adopted from a kill shelter. Samantha, you’ve saved a kitten. Thank you.

JORDAN

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Did she ever talk? I mean, we got more Jordan than we wanted during the season so I guess there wasn’t much left to say.

ASHLEY S 

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Was she muggin’ a little bit? Yeah, but who really cares. Ashley is great. She just doesn’t care about the show at all and realizes how absurd the whole thing is. She and Carly were the most logical gals of the season, which is weird to say because Ashley is f-wording loony. What else do we know about her? She likes to ride bikes. That’s it. That’s who she is.

JILLIAN 

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How many times did Jillian fart in her chair last night? A dozen? This gal is THE WOOOOOOORST!!!! She was giant and gross on the show and nothing changed last night. So aggressive. She goes from 0-60 in like 2 seconds. There’s no way she doesn’t wear too much perfume. I could see her forgetting to brush her teeth and then justifying it by thinking “I DON’T PLAY BY THE WORLD’S RUUUUULES!!!!!” or simply convincing herself that nobody will care because she is so awesome. “Funyun breath isn’t a real thing.” Jillian gets my heart beating fast, and not in a good way. I really can’t wait to never see her again. No more.

KAITLYN

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Moving to the front row. Kaitlyn is a fan favorite. She wore that confusing midriff outfit. She asked Chris really dumb questions that don’t matter:

Kaitlyn: Why did you break up with me?

Chris: Because this show is ridiculous and I didn’t know any of you so I was basically throwing darts in the dark. I mean, be real. I did the best I could. Again, I m just a normal farmer guy and this show is insane.

Kaitlyn: Tue. Emkay, good enough for me.

See you soon, Kaitlyn.

CARLY

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Carly was straight up attacked from the get go by the worst human beings in the room, and that’s saying something because there’s another person who murdered her husband! Britt goes off about how Carly sabotaged her chances with Chris, only to have Chris say that it wasn’t Carly’s fault and that it was because Britt sucks at everything. And then Jillian roid-rages against Carly because somehow Britt is still manipulating her. I get that Carly is kind of polarizing. Some people think she’s jealous. I think she’s honest. She says what all of us are saying on our couches every Monday night. And I think she represented herself pretty well on the WTA, despite not being able to complete a thought because Britt wouldn’t let her. Here’s hoping the best for you, Carly. Nice work.

JADE

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Jade was another gal who asked Chris really dumb questions and accused him of dumb things. She was hurt because Chris called their couch/porn experience “awkward” but it WAS awkward. It was cringe-worthy. And when Chris told her, “But it was awkward” her response was, “yeah”. I wish Jade would’ve come out without the tears and just said, “Man, that was awkward. Maybe posing in Playboy wasn’t the best. But I’ve gotta move on and I’m hoping to find a dude who will do that with me.” Mic drop, Jade wins. That would’ve been the Wild Mustang move.

(TR)AHSLEY I 

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So many eye rolls! I’m actually kinda glad she was wearing those fake lashes. Really exaggerated everything. She didn’t really say a ton but she didn’t have to because she speaks with her face and body. I mean, Trashley was paaaaaaainful on the show. But she was also awesome. And last night I found myself really kind of liking her. Or at least, enjoying what she brought to the table. And I never thought I’d say that. Maybe it’s because she was an outlier. She stood alone, and when pressed, she sided against Britt. Gosh dang I hope we see you on Bachelor in Paradise. You would own that thing.

MACKENZIE

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I always thought Maple Valley was just off of 405, east of Renton. But then this weekend I went golfing out near Covington and saw sings saying, “Welcome to Maple Valley”. And that’s all I have to say about Mackenzie’s performance last night.

BRITT

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Britt Sucks. Somebody make that into a bumper sticker. You know how in the early 1900’s, the name Adolf was popular? And then ya know, Hitler did his thing and after 1940something, no little dude was ever named Adolf again? One man killed the name forever. I feel like Britt has done the same. No little girl should ever be named, “Britt” again. She’s the Hitler of the bachelor. I can’t understate how much I hate this person. The fake crying. The forced tears. She’s trying SO HARD to be real but she’s just a terrible, terrible actress. And even if she’s legit upset, it’s only because she’s lied to herself about having feelings for Chris, wanting kids, thinking she could move to Arlington. Britt, we don’t believe you! Stop trying so hard!!!! Best case scenario  Britt trys out to be on the shuttle to Mars and an Alien type thing happens where, mid-flight  one of those things attaches to her face, she’s impregnated, and a few hours later a little alien bursts through her stomach, killing her instantly. And that’s best case scenario. She’s the Sarah Palin of the show. She’s a total phony and she won’t go away. She’s Justin Bieber claiming he’s all about the music. She’s making me angry. I have to move on.

KELSEY

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Fantastic. Kelsey can’t help but be totally calculated in everything. The way she speaks. The way she sits. Even the way she cries. It’s amazing to watch and she was on her A game last night. It started even before Kelsey said a word, when the studio audience didn’t clap for her when she was introduced. That’s awesome. And then, when Kelsey tried to defend herself, the women were just chomping at the bit. They just straight up were not having it. Unlike Britt, I could do with way more Kelsey in my life. Like, start a really pretentious blog. Get a hosting gig on The View. I don’t even know where she’d fit but I am not done with her. It’s so rare that we can witness a sociopath from a safe distance. To me, Kelsey is really interesting. She is genuinely like an evil movie character and I’m not 100% sure she even knows it. If I had unlimited resources and wouldn’t get arrested for it I would fly to Texas and watch Kelsey interact with her friends just to see what it’s like. I just cannot picture it. I’m gonna miss you Kelsey. Don’t change. And don’t kill anybody.

 

OK! That was looong. Next week it’s all coming to a head back on the farm. Prepare for beautiful sunsets and no banking.

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