You know when you’re late for a meeting and you run into an elevator and then just as the doors are closing the guy who cooks salmon in the office microwave sticks his fleshy arm between the closing doors and slowly sluffs into your personal space then pushes a button for the floor beneath you then breathes really loudly even though he isn’t doing anything more strenuous than just standing there holding his salmon and time slows so much that you can literally feel the long echo of every second ticking by in your heart?

This season is your rush to the meeting. The Men Tell All is the slovenly salmon cooker.

Gosh dang that was just a painful night of self-importance. At times, the only thing keeping me afloat was the lone guy in the audience. Why was he there? Who was he with? How can I be him?

At one point, Chris Harrison basically claimed that the Bachelor and Bachelorette programs are a means to shape society in important ways. Should Bachelors In Paradise run on NPR early Sunday mornings on stereos in living rooms of professors and librarians?

We learned that cyberbullying is bad. Finally, somebody said it! Thank you, The Bachelorette.

I’m going to do a special edition Lightening Round before this happens.

JK, it wasn’t that bad.

Here we go!

 

NICK

He was a no-show, obviously, and still the guys talked about him too much. What power! He’s like a child worker in some other country or a strange man trying to bring a carpathian painting to life…right?

LITTLE CLETUS

My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

DR. JANOSZ POHA & VIGO

Soon the city will be mine and Vigo’s…mainly Vigos.

BEN H. 

The ladies love Ben H. But all the old-lady-lust in the world can’t buy him a sport coat that fits.

BEN Z. 

Still no tears. I can make it happen. Give me Ben Z in a room with nothing but a TV and the last 6 minutes of Braveheart.

 

CHRIS THE DENTIST

Didn’t hear much from Chris. But his “I’m gay and doing a bad job of hiding it from myself” smile was loud enough.

CLINT

New Clint beard. Same Clint everything else.

COREY

The winner for the irrelevant guy in the back row who talks too much goes to…

SAD TROMBONE

THE BETTER COREY 

Sat in the back doing Corey things. Good for you, the better Corey. I hope you enjoyed the backstage buffet.

COLOR ME DANIEL

Where was he?????? You can’t tell me he was busy. Does that look like a face that has places to be?

COLOR ME BADD

Sadly, also a no-show (since 1994).

IAN

Watching Ian do anything makes my entire body react like a baby eating a lemon. (Cute alert)

JARED

It’s amazing what a lot of makeup, a little lipstick, and most importantly no more patchy beard can do for a guy. It’s nice to have Jared out of Swedish Bachelor Party Beard territory. (Gross alert)

Nev Schulman

Hey Nev I’m a hot girl who likes you just kidding you just got Catfished it was me the whole time.

JJ THE TURD

I feel like JJ picked up a severe Canadian accent. Why? There is no why. There is only JJ.

JOE

The angle of Joe’s hair is slowly coming back to earth.

JONATHAN

Jonathan raised accusations that were filled with holes. He had months to come up with something to say and he didn’t see the obvious flaws in his logic. I feel like that’s totally Jonathan.

JOSHUA

Refreshingly quiet. His Man’s intuition treated him well there but it looks like he shops for suits with Ben H. Somebody get this guy a GQ magazine.

JUSTIN

Still looks nothing like Matt Damon.

KUPAH

He b1tched about Nick coming on the show despite voting for Britt AND going home weeks before Nick showed up. And yet wearing a tie as a scarf was still dumber than anything he complained about.

RYAN B(RAVO)

Another no-show. We can only assume that he’s locked in a spot on the cast of Million Dollar Listing Wherever He’s From.

SHAWN B. TRIPPIN’

We got no Shawn. And we were grateful for it.

TANNER

Tanner gets the all new “guy in the FRONT ROW who talks way too much despite nobody caring about him at all” award.

TONY

Tony must’ve gone to the zoo or something because he was pretty calm.

 

WE ARE SO CLOSE!!!! We finally get to paradise. Yachts, private islands, sweaty linen, poor kids, shanty markets, spontaneous street dancing, local soothsayers predicting lots of secks, sweaty brows, jeep tours, helicopters, and man tears up the butt.

Have great Mondays, everybody. And remember, the Internet is no place for bullying. That’s what elementary school playgrounds are for.