WE DID IIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!

Pat yourself on the back for sticking to the promise of forever love. Sure things got rough. There were poop jokes. People had pre-marital with other people. A guy almost flung himself off the cliffs of Ireland. But we stayed firm and stuck it out until the end.

And what an end it was!

Spoiler news had it that Nick was the champion and the episode completely shaped up to deliver on that. I mean, his f-wording FAMILY was in the studio audience! Why? How? Nick and the face of cyber-bully-suffering were hot and heavy all while Shawn B got no music over his awkward sitting in a vineyard and yet it was he who took home the crown. Will it fit on his high hair? Only time will tell and by time we’re probably talking what, 3 months? Will college freshman have gained any weight by the time these two break up? Will Shawn and Kaitlyn be attending the same Halloween party?

What else?

• Kaitlyn’s family. They’re just so Canadian!
  • Her sister straight up rocking a killer John-and-Kate-Plus-8 haircut.
  • Her step dad with the bright colored button ups with even brighter accent under-sleaves.
  • Her dad with his open-mouth listening style. No words but always on the verge of a thought.
• Nick’s speech impediment.
  • I just don’t get it. His jaw is huge and he’s lisping and there’s so much spittle.
  • Who gets invisalign while on TV?
  • Or did he get his wisdom teeth out.
  • And then put back in
  • And then taken out again?
• Shawn wore a shirt that showed his nipples.
• The rejection! She waited until Nick was about to get down on a knee. How cold and awesome was that? My living room was loud and tense. I’m sure yours was as well.
• The setting. Are they pouring all of the budget into Bachelors in Paradise? Does it have anything to do with the water rationing in California? Our tropical destination was a marina in Los Angeles! That was probably Chris Harrison’s boat. I doubt they even untied it from the dock.

Let’s take one last look at how Ugly Gossling and The Other Guy did, and then let’s say goodbye. 😦

 

THE OTHER GUY

People seem to think Nick handled himself well at the moment of rejection and during the After the Rose show. By people I mean my wife. His hair was even more uncomfortable to look at in LA. And I just don’t enjoy his jaw. But Nick will be fine maybe. He did throw his cheesy friendship ring on the limo floor. That alone won him a few points. We’ll miss Nick’s collection of TinyCoats and the way he says adorable things with his hand covering his mouth. This guy needs to go on a walkabout with Ron Swanson. Maybe strip a few layers of flimsy b1tch off himself and come back less punchable. Nick came. He wore a sombrero and looked like someone who tells male models about child labor laws. He had all the intensity of a man trying to free a Carpathian from a painting and for that we’ll never forget him…for a while.

LITTLE CLETUS

My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

DR. JANOSZ POHA & VIGO

Soon the city will be mine and Vigo’s…mainly Vigos.

BEN H. 

The big bachelor fans saw this coming from week one. Despite a small bald spot that’s unreasonably low on the back of Ben’s head, this guy has got to be the bachelor. Emily Chen thinks he’s cute, and Emily Chen’s sister is a TV news anchor! Ben couldn’t even cry in the van after being dumped. Either he’s made of stone or he wasn’t really buying what Kaitlyn was selling. America is gonna fall in love with this guy…then slowly start to hate him. Then think he’s super boring and fake. We shouldn’t cry over Ben. He’s gonna be famous, make a killing on being the next Bach, and talk women to death in next season’s fantasy suites. We should really feel sorry for software. It’s going to miss a salesmen for the foreseeable future. See you soon, Ben H. And in the meantime, enjoy your classes at TV charm school. 

BEN Z. 

What the frick? America’s meathead is gone and the Dentist remains??? Who will protect Kaitlyn when King Longshanks comes a callin’? Ben Z. is not funny. He even dresses in black. But what he lacks in lols he makes up for in brow-line. The guy’s got a warrior’s head. He’s settin’ nasty picks in rec-league hoops. All you guys know what I’m talking about…All 6 of you who read this thing. And yet, I guess in this day and age a man’s pick game just isn’t enough to win a reality dating show. If Ben H doesn’t get a little more dynamic there’s an outside shot they could give the gig to Ben Z. Maybe send him to charm school. Enroll him in Toastmasters or something. I could see Ben Z doing a lot of things. He runs a cross-fit gym in los angeles and he’s reality-show famous. That’s the best Match.com profile starter ever. I could also see him on Bachelors in Paradise. Maybe hooking up with some nice woman from seasons past. Someone who can loosen him up a little. Maybe explore some ruins with the guy. Drink rum with him. We’ll miss you Ben Z. But we will not worry about you. 

KING LONGSHANKS

After the beheading, William Wallace’s body was torn to pieces and sent to the four corners of Britain as warning. It did not have the effect that Longshanks planned…. 

CHRIS THE DENTIST

Good gracious this guy is a real person. I feel like Chris is living out one of those movies where a 12 year old kid and a grown up trade bodies. I’ve always been fond of Vice Versa.Fred Savage does some great things in that one. I feel like what’s-her-butt was in one with Jamie Lee Curtis. Didn’t do much for me. Anyway, back to Chris. He’s like every 11 year old girl’s dream guy. So tender-hearted. So wholesome. I bet he really wants to see Divergent and Insurgent but he’s just not sure he’s ready for that kind of thing. He sings a LOT of Disney songs in his shower back home. And in full voice. Somewhere out there is a young girl living in a woman’s body that’s just perfect for Chris. In fact, I’m gonna go set up a dating website exclusively for kids who’s traded places with there parents and haven’t figured out how to trade back. It’s niche but so are J-date, Blackpeoplemeet, and Grinder. Chris I hope you’ve recovered from your heartbreak. It was awkward and kind of funny to watch you cry into a scarf over a girl you went on one date with. Thanks for the memories. You’re very sweet (dentist joke). 

CLINT

I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

It was only a matter of time before Corey S had to go. His face was too unsettling to be around. He was like that kid that shows up to high school baseball tryouts wearing tennis shoes and jeans with a plastic glove he got for free at a Mariner’s game. It’s got a Mother’s Cookies logo on it and everything. You know there’s just not a shot in H he’s gonna make the team and you can only hope he doesn’t do too much to embarrass himself because you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have much to go home to. Man I just made myself super sad. And that’s what Corey does. He brings sadness to all who gaze upon his strange, strange face. Goodbye, Corey S. I hope you were able to warm up quickly after that rose ceremony. 

SAD TROMBONE

This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad. 

THE BETTER COREY 

Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

We didn’t get anything different from Ian last night. Just more of the same perfection. It was the greatest exit in show history. His lack of self awareness is truly special. As americans we love to reward those who are the best at what they do. Athletes, CEO’s, NAACP leaders. Why can’t we do the same for Ian who is the most clueless person any of us have ever known. You deserve to be celebrated, Ian. I can’t wait for the Men Tell All. You are going to get shredded. It will really be something to marvel. Thank you for that gift. Thank you for the strange hair. Your head looks like Jared’s face. Thank you for small eye, or is one eye too big. I feel like they’re both a little bit wrong. It’s so wonderful that you will end up finding a woman who will marry you. Like, she’ll look at your face and hear you talk and think, “yeah that’s what I’m into for the rest of my life.” What a world we get to experience. If that doesn’t get you believing in a higher power, I don’t know what will. In fact, people at sporting events should ditch their “John 3;16” signs and just hold up pictures of Ian’s face. 

JARED

Ugggh. America will take your jacket, Jared!!!!!! America will take it. What a guy. If he didn’t have moderate facial alopecia and an inexplicable haircut, and eyes that take 4 seconds to blink, this guy would be the greatest bachelor in history. He’s fun. He’s funny. He’s super nice and gracious. Probably all of this stuff is true. Maybe it’s just that in comparison to Shawn friggin B and Nick, Jared looks like the best thing ever. My buddy Evan said that Jared isn’t even an ugly crier. And Evan is a carpenter!(?) But what happens now? Doesn’t Jared seem like the kind of guy every woman in america would try to set up with her friend? You know what that means? It means nobody actually wants him. He’s a human hot potato. And as we discovered last week, he kind of looks like Nev from MTV’s Catfish. He’ll get huge cheers at the Men Tell All but will that be enough? Maybe it’s a thing where a blind woman falls in love with him. But a blind woman that can’t feel his weirdbeard. So like a blind woman with no hands. But like a really kind heart. There. I think we did it. I feel better. 

Nev Schulman

At least he loves America. You can tell by the flag that is behind him. It’s the American flag. 

JJ THE TURD

JJ’s time was up, but not before he confessed to America that he cheated on his wife 3 years ago. Now, we know his daughter is 3 years old. That means JJ cheated on a) a very pregnant woman or b) a woman who’d just birthed his first child. That’s not very awesome, even for a turd. Man, the countryside of Ireland is just a killing field. If you’re ever dating Kaitlyn and she suggests heading out to see the cliffs, just fake a panic attack. Do anything you can. Go full-on Sanderson Poe if you have to. Just don’t get in that helicopter or black van, or whatever Kaitlyn has access to. JJ gave us so much this season that it’s kind of sad to see him go. He fell in love with Britt AND Clint. Became a villain for like 2 days. Regretted it. Bragged about being hilarious and then wasn’t funny on stage, failed at rapping, failed at mariachi singing, and finally he told us he listens to musicals, “exclusively”. There hasn’t been a bigger heel on the bachelorette in a while. Where does JJ go from here? Europe? The middle east? I feel like it’s gotta be somewhere without TV or the internet. I’d say ISIS but I don’t think they’re big on musicals.  

JOE

uggh. That was awkward. And Joe, who’s already super sleepy-country did not react all that well to the news. Turns out heartbreak turns Joe into SlingBlade Guy. Joe has stroke eyes and a super high forehead. But somehow he manages to have some decent charisma. He’ll be fine. He’ll be missed. He’ll probably have a hairstyle that’s less like the climax of a mountain climbing movie the next time we see him. 

JONATHAN

Jonathan was filling space on couches, at rose ceremonies, and on group dates. He was never going to win but he did have a little swagger which Kaitlyn might miss now that he’s gone. He helped to balance out what Chris brings to the table which is the opposite of cool. Good luck, Jonathan. I’m sure you’re a fine person. 

JOSHUA

This friggin guy. He goes out and what is he talking about? Nick. Joshua has a hard time letting go. He’s like Rain Man with none of the card counting benefits. He coined the phrase, “Man’s Intuition”. Someday Joshua will find a nice woman who is probably also terrified that the government is coming to take all their guns, turn their livestock gay, and give everybody ebola. I don’t know this is going to happen for sure. Call it man’s intuition. 

JUSTIN

Justin’s hair looked like the alien’s head in Aliens. It was super long, hard, and shiny. Seriously, if the Texans had access to the kind of hair product Justin is rocking, the Alamo wouldn’t have gotten a scratch. I feel like Justin fancies himself a stud. It’s gotta be tough to head home in the same Escalade with Joshua. AND not only that, but Chris the Dentist is still on the show. So is Tanner, the least dangerous thing on the earth. Justin’s gonna be fine though. There are plenty of this type out there that are proabably perfect for our man. 

KUPAH

HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

Ryan came. Ryan left. And what do we really know about him? He has well thought out hair. He likes to wear scarves. He has glasses with no prescriptions (probably). This guy is delicate. I wonder what he does for fun. I feel like everything is too dirty for him. Like, if you ever wondered who buys all those men’s products, it’s Ryan. 100 bucks says he’s sprayed his face with Evian. No doubt he cornered at least one of the guys and told him about the importance of a good, citrus-based exfoliant. All that’s left now is for us to guess how high will Ryan’s hair will be when the Men Tell All. 

SHAWN B. TRIPPIN’

UGLY GOSSLING IS THE WINNER! And what did he win? A future filled with strange cut-out dresses and bad jewelry. It also appears that he may’ve won a free nose job. An insider (my buddy Lou) has provided side-by-side pictures of mid-show Shawn and after-the-rose Shawn. Most of the bulbous from his schnoz seems to have been shaved. What he lost in cartilage he also lost in man-card after we learned that not only did he send his buddies a picture of him watching the Bachelor, but drew a heart around that picture and put a little caption on it. And yes, I realize that I’m a man and I’m writing about the Bachelorette. It’s different. How? It just is. So what’s next for Shawn? He wants to go to DunkinDonuts. No doubt he’ll be blowing idioms in a deep, monotone voice with his chest puffed out. From first impression to the last man standing. Shawn came, he uglied, he prevailed. And that’s really it. Hats off. Hair up.

TANNER

The only surprise here was that they didn’t shake hands or high five on his way out. See ya, Tanner. Don’t be the guy in the back row at the Men Tell All that talks too much. We don’t care. 

TONY

Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

 

I hope you all have wonderful summers. We’ll see you in the fall, or whenever Ben H. starts filming his run for love.

 

I love you,

GRAEME H