Week 4 – I love Aladdin. I am Aladdin.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Let’s let that sentence wash over today’s Bachcap. We need to start with some kind of caveat because for a show about men falling in love with a woman, things got awfully “theater’y”. And much of the drama started well before the Broadway stage.

What in the world is happening with Clint and JJ? How close could their faces get during that little lover’s quarrel? We haven’t seen that type of frustration since maybe this. Sparks were flying with the final crushing blow, “…and JJ, that tie really goes with that jacket.” Friends don’t sarcastically make fun of tie/sportcoat combinations. It’s rule number 1 in guy code, just ahed of 2) Don’t sleep with my wife, and 3) Don’t literally stab me in the back, like with a knife, while I’m walking away.

We went to the big apple where Bachelor royalty sat in the back of a hiphoprapmusic club. How does Trashley get special treatment in public??? Didn’t we just determine that she’s terrible like 4 months ago? Remember the crying and the fake eyelashes and the weird kissing? And now she’s sitting in the VIP section at a Dougie Fresh(?) concert(?)? I just don’t know.

Nick is one of the worst/best things to happen in Bachelor lore. And it’s not just because he goes and sits with the other ladies on a Friday afternoon at the Blow Out salon. Welcome to the Jungle.

One last note before we get to the fellas. Does it feel like Kaitlyn is kind of getting owned on this thing? Out of 18 guys left I’d say there are 4 who actually like her. At least 3 are gay (read the first sentence of the BachCap again). Ben H is miles ahead of the gang in the race to become the next bachelor. Joe and Joshua have no shot. And that leaves 8 guys who are just along for the ride, enjoying a free vacation. Kaitlyn is turning men gay. The entire house is against her now, except for Justin who thinks he looks like Matt Damon. Does that really count? And when the H are we gonna get a rose ceremony??? The formula is dead. We are so far gone I don’t know if we’ll ever find our way back home.

But it’s not about us. It’s about these guys.

Let’s take a closer look. And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

 

BEN H. 

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Ben H has confidence. While all the other guys are freaking out about Nick, Ben H just sits back and asks, why all the fuss? He’s calm, cool, and collected. He is your next bachelor.

BEN Z. 

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Ben Z belongs with Kaitlyn. He’s beefcackey. He has just the right amount of tribal tattoo. Just kiss her from time to time and let the weirds and wussies determine their own fate. Ben Z you need to take the words of toughguy, construction worker on his break Ray Pruitt to heart.

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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I can show you the wooooorld. Wow. Chris is a special breed. The kind of breed that really loves to dress up like Aladdin and then asks for a moment of silent appreciation. A moment so awkward that the only way to stop it is to kiss him, while he’s wearing full lipstick. Chris seems like the kind of guy that wears satin pajama pants to sleep. And not in a good way.

CLINT

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I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

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Man. CoreyFace is just a riddle wrapped in a mystery. He was the last guy I thought would get gangsta on that hiphop date but he did. He was over-the-top feminine for a few scenes. He still has the face of someone who has no feelings and fakes them. He’s the Dexter of this show. I’m worried about Corey when he goes home. I don’t see a lot of love in his future. Like, if you’re a cute girl with cute girl friends and you’re out at a bar in whatever city Corey is from, and you overhear someone say that a dude from the Bachelorette is there, and you get all excited, then you see that it’s Corey S. How would that make you feel?…

SAD TROMBONE

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This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad.

THE BETTER COREY 

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Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

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It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

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Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

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Who knows a guy that talks a lot about what a great singer he is but then turns out that he isn’t a great singer? You’re constantly waiting for him to sing and you know you’ve gotta compliment him but that makes you a liar. And when you lie to that person you lie to yourself. And even when he isn’t singing you’re super anxious because you know it could come at anytime. The waiting is almost worst than the singing. Thanks for nothing, Ian.

JARED

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Has Jared shaved and changed his hair? With this group of guys it wouldn’t surprise me if he got a lot of fashion and beauty tips (read the first sentence of theBachCap). Who thought there was no hope for lil’ J? Kaitlyn was coming straight from the Nick decision and she was so distracted. And yet Jared found a way in. He really likes Kaitlyn and I’ll bet he will keep surprising her with his courage. BUT, I don’t think it’s gonna be enough. Kaitlyn needs a giant man and Jared is too much of a puppy dog. He’ll make some woman happy. It just won’t be Kaitlyn.

JJ THE TURD

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I’ll say it again. This guy is a father. A little 3 year old girl is depending on this guy to teach her how to be a person. That baffles me. He slaps his own face. He cries when Clint leaves. He wears a zip up sweater with no undershirt. It’s just a trail of bad decisions. He even got booed at the rap show. The only thing keeping him around is the fact that ABC has forgotten what rose ceremonies are. At this point though, he’s so dead weight. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got Home Alone’d and the crew just forgot him at the hotel before flying overseas. JJ didn’t come here to make friends. He’s doing an awesome job of it.

JOE

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Joe is real song and dance man. He might be my favorite guy on the show. The dude is just so beyond is depth and yet he keeps rolling with the punches with the same look on his face. Joe looks like his forehead and hair are being called up in the rapture but the rest of him is being left behind. #Hairpocolypse

JONATHAN

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Jonathan wears a beanie under a hoodie, indoors. That’s cold.

JOSHUA

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I like Joshua but he has zero chance of winning. He seems like a man who’s totally ready to be in a relationship though. Nice guy. He’s got his stuff together. But he needs a woman’s touch. And I hope he gets it back in Idaho. Move to Boise, man. Take the leap. You’ve been on a Broadway stage you can do anything now!

JUSTIN

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Even more annoying than a guy who tells you he’s a good singer all the time is the guy who thinks he looks like a celeb even though he doesn’t. What do you do? Do you just nip it in the bud and say, “Dude. You don’t look like Matt Damon and it’s weird and kind of arrogant when you say things like that. At best you look likeMichael Pitt if he was raised on a chicken farm and pumped full of water and steroids and average-face.

KUPAH

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HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

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This guy came a season too late. There isn’t a situation where he won’t rock a scarf. Even in the hotel room he’s in full coat, scarf and glasses. You know how you see someone and his or her style kind of speaks to you and inspires your clothing choices? You can look at Ryan and just know that he watches a lot of Million Dollar Listing. He’s the guy on the show that won’t get a rose but won’t be bummed out at all when he leaves.

SHAWN B.

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UglyGossling is not in a good place. He was sure Kaitlyn was ready to marry him. And now Nick is in the fold? I kind of feel for Shawn but apparently, women think he’s good looking so I bet he does just fine when he gets back to Nashville. Unless he does win this thing. If he can stay the course it might come down to him and Big Ben Z. It’s time for Shawn to dig deep. Go look over a railing while doing a voice over of how you’re feeling. It really clears the head.

TANNER

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Tanner is such a little whiney B-word. He is totally thrown by this Nick thing. But here’s what Tanner doesn’t understand. He has no chance. None. Tanner should just chill out and enjoy the ride. Do just enough to get a rose (if they ever have another rose ceremony) and just live easy. It’s like the lazy river at Wild Waves. Hop onto that KUBE93 inner tube and just float, man. When it’s time to get out of the pool at the bottom, get out of the pool at the bottom. There are plenty of other attractions. Head over to Corkscrew, or do a can opener off the little ledge by that hot tub the teens hang out in. Get em’ all wet with cold water.

TONY

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Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

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He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

It was a weird week and things are only gonna get better. Stay strong everybody. Let’s go out with a little more from Ray Pruitt. How do you talk to an angel, Ray? This is how.

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