Week 5 – We’ve all read the tabloids

Wow.

That was amazing. When I woke up yesterday I did not think I’d get to enjoy a cocky, child-mariachi singer. But that’s what this show does. It opens up the world. It educates. It’s basically this without that amazing mullet.

This episode had drama, a river, giant hats, desperate haircuts, professed love, brow sweat, the most adorable old lady dancer in history, walls going up, walls coming down, scarves, extreme cold, extreme cold faces, 6 seconds of Chris Harrison, male intuition (who knew that was a thing?), lots of hair product, a whole bunch of guys on one couch while another equally large couch went unused, cowlicks, car accidents, and finally and most importantly, poop jokes, fart jokes and movie quotes.

The only thing we didn’t get last was time to grieve. We lost a few unforgettable guys who I will try to remember as we take a look at how everybody did.

And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

 

NICK

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Nick don’t front. He’s been around this game before and he knows what it takes to almost win. He answered the ridiculous questions thrown at him upon meeting the other guys. He got Kaitlyn alone for some PG-13 song singing. This guy is a force and now that the majority of the house has stopped hating him, it’s kind of a clear path to the finish line. He’s the only guy with any kind of swagger. And swagger is what Kaitlyn wants. Does he kind of look like Giovanni Ribisi when he’s wearing a mariachi hat? Yeah. He’s half Ribisi and half Little Cletus. Neither of those are good. But that’s ok because Nick knows now that the mime paint comes off. He can be silly for an hour if it means another week on the show. Nick could singlehandedly bust all of the country’s Bachelorette brackets. America could hate him for it. Still, I say, welcome back, man.

LITTLE CLETUS

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My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

BEN H. 

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He two-stepped his way closer to being the next bachelor. I hope nobody needs to buy any software in the next 8 months because Ben H will be busy pursuing forever love. And one more thing. I’ve tried to dance competently after having one, 45 minute lesson. It’s tough! And I own the shirt Ben H was wearing last night. He deserves a pat on the back for how well he moved.

BEN Z. 

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I’m beginning to worry about Ben Z. Is he funny? We know he’s a whole hunk of man meat but can he crack a joke here and there? Does he join in the poop stuff that Ian was complaining about? I’m not so sure. This guy might not have the depth you normally find in a Cross-fit gym owner. Make us laugh, Ben Z. And fast.

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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We didn’t get much Chris this week but I’ll bet he was super creepy and eager at whatever he did behind the scenes. Chris is not long for this show.

CLINT

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I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

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It was only a matter of time before Corey S had to go. His face was too unsettling to be around. He was like that kid that shows up to high school baseball tryouts wearing tennis shoes and jeans with a plastic glove he got for free at a Mariner’s game. It’s got a Mother’s Cookies logo on it and everything. You know there’s just not a shot in H he’s gonna make the team and you can only hope he doesn’t do too much to embarrass himself because you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have much to go home to. Man I just made myself super sad. And that’s what Corey does. He brings sadness to all who gaze upon his strange, strange face. Goodbye, Corey S. I hope you were able to warm up quickly after that rose ceremony. 

SAD TROMBONE

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This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad. 

THE BETTER COREY 

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Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

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It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

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Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

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That was about as good as this show gets. When Ian was talking himself up as a performer and a wonderful singer it was like I just wanted more. Just feeeeeeeeeeeeeed us all the ways you are the best. Keep it coming my good man. It just made his performance that much sweeter. I imagine the editors of the show looked something like this as they were putting together the sound bites of Ian leading up to the moment he started to mariachi sing. I know the reaction in the Hanson house was just as powerful. I’m really gonna miss this guy. His lack of self awareness is truly special. As americans we love to reward those who are the best at what they do. Athletes, CEO’s, NAACP leaders. Why can’t we do the same for Ian who is the most clueless person any of us have ever known. You deserve to be celebrated, Ian. And I hope your exit is grand next Monday. I can’t wait for the Men Tell All. You are going to get shredded. It will really be something to marvel. Thank you for that gift.

JARED

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Jared professed his love but it was too little, too late. When Ryan Schnozling beats you to the punch there’s no coming back. Still, Jared is doing all he can in this thing. I could see him making the final four and then getting crushed when he’s let go. He doesn’t have the facial hair of a future Bachelor. He’s like the guy you want your friend to date. I bet Jared gets set up a lot and disappoints a lot of women. I guess there’s a job for everyone.

JJ THE TURD

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Kudos to JJ for sticking around this long. He even did something charming in NYC. Was there a comment to Ben H that had major homosexual undertones? Sure. But JJ is a guy who’s told us he listens to “Broadway showtunes, exclusively.” If he didn’t say gay things every once in a while we’d be confused. Keep on shocking the world, JJ. And keep on awkwardly leaving on to many dress shirt buttons unbuttoned.

JOE

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You know when you pause a video in the wrong place and whoever it is in the video looks really weird? Like, an eye might be closed or a mouth might be half opened? That’s what Joe looks like all the time. He’s got UnfortunatePauseFace. And it’s too bad, because the guy has some swagger and he likes to make out which is probably number one on Kaitlyn’s wishlist. Still, I think Joe could be gone soon. And all of us will miss what he does for this show.

JONATHAN

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Jonathan was filling space on couches, at rose ceremonies, and on group dates. He was never going to win but he did have a little swagger which Kaitlyn might miss now that he’s gone. He helped to balance out what Chris brings to the table which is the opposite of cool. Good luck, Jonathan. I’m sure you’re a fine person. 

JOSHUA

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Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes. That was some awkward stuff. Joshua doesn’t have a lot of experience with the ladies which means he’s pulling off the kind of desperation usually reserved for high school dudes. The “give me a haircut” is like one step beyond, “Here, I decopauged this van gogh picture of Starry Night” and one step away from “buying parchment paper at an art store, burning the edges to make it look old, writing a poem on it with a calligraphy pen, rolling it up, tying it with rafia, and leaving it at a girl’s doorstep”, which is something I know nothing about. Kaitlyn toasted to honesty before last night’s cocktail party. That did not bode well for Joshua. Looks like it’s back to the farm for this guy.

JUSTIN

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Justin’s hair is longer in the front and shorter in the back. I feel like it’s something Anne Heche would’ve rocked back in the 6 days 7 nights era. So not only is this guy’s haircut dated, but it’s also for ladies. And yet, he’s still going strong with no end date in sight. What a world we live in, ya know? It’s really great.

KUPAH

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HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

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Ryan came. Ryan left. And what do we really know about him? He has well thought out hair. He likes to wear scarves. He has glasses with no prescriptions (probably). This guy is delicate. I wonder what he does for fun. I feel like everything is too dirty for him. Like, if you ever wondered who buys all those men’s products, it’s Ryan. 100 bucks says he’s sprayed his face with Evian. No doubt he cornered at least one of the guys and told him about the importance of a good, citrus-based exfoliant. All that’s left now is for us to guess how high will Ryan’s hair will be when the Men Tell All. 

SHAWN B.

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UglyGossling has got to be the leader in the clubhouse. But is he more than just good-smelling? Does he have a sense of humor? And, most importantly, can he keep it together while Kaitlyn goes to frenchtown on every dude’s face? I don’t think so. Despite surviving an epic car accident, Shaun B is fragile. And he’s going up against Nick, a seasoned veteran. Nick knows that even if you don’t get picked, there are still tight jackets to buy and friends to hang out with back home. Shaun is all kinds of twisted up over Kaitlyn. It’s danger time.

TANNER

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Tanner reads the tabloids. This is not great. But is it worse that he assumes all the other guys have subscriptions to US Weekly? And I ask this as a guy that writes a weekly recap of The Bachelorette. If you were going somewhere with Tanner and you got on a subway and he missed it by just that much I feel like you wouldn’t really care. He just feels like a guy you could take or leave and, in the end, mostly just leave. Stranded. On a subway platform. Tanner is every annoying little brother character from every teen movie, all grown up. I feel like if I was one of the guys I would interrupt Tanner all the time because I just wouldn’t care at all what he was about to say. We already don’t care, man. Even before you open your mouth again. So just, don’t.

TONY

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Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

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He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

Next week we get possible coitus and the ramifications that come with it. Abstinence is always best all you middle schoolers and Bachelorette contestants out there. Safety first. See you next time.

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