Week 7 – This place is old and well kept. Like my soul.

A man said that. A real-life, grown up man said those words. The same real-life grown up man also crumbled into a pile and cried tears into a scarf. A different grown up man started crying for no reason and cupped his mouth with a hand that featured a tiny, delicate ring with two hands holding each other. He also drooled.

That’s just what Ireland does to men. With or Without You was written there. Bono is a sad man wearing nothing but a leather vest. Is it green in Ireland? Sure but only because it rains every day and we all know that rain is God’s tears. The country exists as it is because a guy cries when he looks down on it.

There was barely any time for dates with all the talking, crying, sitting on steps, and taking elevators from one hotel floor to another. It wasn’t one of the strongest episodes but it wasn’t bad. I mean, we saw Shawn’s giant nose at full tilt on that bus ride. But what we’re really building up to is Kaitlyn coming clean about visiting Nick in Hump town. Next week, shiz gets real. But until then, let’s remember how our guys did. Let’s live in the now.

And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

 

NICK

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The world’s most life-like ventriloquist doll is starting to break. He’s gentle, despite what you might think looking at his collection of tiny coats. Nick played in the background for most of last night’s episode, until it was time to talk. That’s when the tears came. Then the drool. And did you notice that after Nick vented all his emotions, Kaitlyn was about to talk and Nick just started kissing her? That’s a sign of self-centeredness. You can’t just dump your emotions on a gal without giving her a chance to deal with them. I know this because I participated in some very non-invasive pre-marital counseling a few months ago. Even read part of a book! Kaitlyn, watch out! The signs are all there. Don’t be fooled by a man who, when he wears a sombrero, looks like Little Cletus. They’re both brainwashers!!!

LITTLE CLETUS

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My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

BEN H. 

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I was worried for Ben H this week. After spending an hour learning that Kaitlyn was getting tired of the guys needing validation, we had to watch Ben H ask for his own. Thing is, he did it in the only way that works in this Hunger Games of love. “I don’t want to hear details. Just tell me I’m not wasting my time.” That’s basically giving Kaitlyn license to heavy pet her way around the world, which is exactly what she wants. This is a fun girl, guys! You need to remember that. I feel like we haven’t had a fart, poop, or sex joke in weeks. You need to get back to the movie quotes that sent Ian on his way. Somebody shotgun a beer. Do a body shot, even if it’s off your own body. Judging by Ben H’s catalogue of blazers, I don’t know if he has it in him to cut loose. Still, he’s just the vanilla America needs in a Bachelor. I just realized that could be read as an ethnic joke.

BEN Z. 

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What the frick? America’s meathead is gone and the Dentist remains??? Who will protect Kaitlyn when King Longshanks comes a callin’? Ben Z. is not funny. He even dresses in black. But what he lacks in lols he makes up for in brow-line. The guy’s got a warrior’s head. He’s settin’ nasty picks in rec-league hoops. All you guys know what I’m talking about…All 6 of you who read this thing. And yet, I guess in this day and age a man’s pick game just isn’t enough to win a reality dating show. If Ben H doesn’t get a little more dynamic there’s an outside shot they could give the gig to Ben Z. Maybe send him to charm school. Enroll him in Toastmasters or something. I could see Ben Z doing a lot of things. He runs a cross-fit gym in los angeles and he’s reality-show famous. That’s the best Match.com profile starter ever. I could also see him on Bachelors in Paradise. Maybe hooking up with some nice woman from seasons past. Someone who can loosen him up a little. Maybe explore some ruins with the guy. Drink rum with him. We’ll miss you Ben Z. But we will not worry about you. 

KING LONGSHANKS

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After the beheading, William Wallace’s body was torn to pieces and sent to the four corners of Britain as warning. It did not have the effect that Longshanks planned…. 

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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Good gracious this guy is a real person. I feel like Chris is living out one of those movies where a 12 year old kid and a grown up trade bodies. I’ve always been fond of Vice Versa.Fred Savage does some great things in that one. I feel like what’s-her-butt was in one with Jamie Lee Curtis. Didn’t do much for me. Anyway, back to Chris. He’s like every 11 year old girl’s dream guy. So tender-hearted. So wholesome. I bet he really wants to see Divergent and Insurgent but he’s just not sure he’s ready for that kind of thing. He sings a LOT of Disney songs in his shower back home. And in full voice. Somewhere out there is a young girl living in a woman’s body that’s just perfect for Chris. In fact, I’m gonna go set up a dating website exclusively for kids who’s traded places with there parents and haven’t figured out how to trade back. It’s niche but so are J-date, Blackpeoplemeet, and Grinder. Chris I hope you’ve recovered from your heartbreak. It was awkward and kind of funny to watch you cry into a scarf over a girl you went on one date with. Thanks for the memories. You’re very sweet (dentist joke). 

CLINT

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I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

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It was only a matter of time before Corey S had to go. His face was too unsettling to be around. He was like that kid that shows up to high school baseball tryouts wearing tennis shoes and jeans with a plastic glove he got for free at a Mariner’s game. It’s got a Mother’s Cookies logo on it and everything. You know there’s just not a shot in H he’s gonna make the team and you can only hope he doesn’t do too much to embarrass himself because you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have much to go home to. Man I just made myself super sad. And that’s what Corey does. He brings sadness to all who gaze upon his strange, strange face. Goodbye, Corey S. I hope you were able to warm up quickly after that rose ceremony. 

SAD TROMBONE

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This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad. 

THE BETTER COREY 

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Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

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It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

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Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

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We didn’t get anything different from Ian last night. Just more of the same perfection. It was the greatest exit in show history. His lack of self awareness is truly special. As americans we love to reward those who are the best at what they do. Athletes, CEO’s, NAACP leaders. Why can’t we do the same for Ian who is the most clueless person any of us have ever known. You deserve to be celebrated, Ian. I can’t wait for the Men Tell All. You are going to get shredded. It will really be something to marvel. Thank you for that gift. Thank you for the strange hair. Your head looks like Jared’s face. Thank you for small eye, or is one eye too big. I feel like they’re both a little bit wrong. It’s so wonderful that you will end up finding a woman who will marry you. Like, she’ll look at your face and hear you talk and think, “yeah that’s what I’m into for the rest of my life.” What a world we get to experience. If that doesn’t get you believing in a higher power, I don’t know what will. In fact, people at sporting events should ditch their “John 3;16” signs and just hold up pictures of Ian’s face. 

JARED

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Who’d a thought that this guy, pictured above this sentence, would be running things this late in the game. Jared is the only fun one in this group. He’s charismatic. And he’s little so I guess the energy has fewer places to seep to? It’s probably science. He could win this thing. Jared is like every sports movie ever. He is the Cool Runnings of this season. Total underdog. Has no business being there, and yet Jared could really win. And why not root for him? He looks and sounds like Nev from MTV’s hit show, Catfish. They could be brothers, only Nev is the one that got all the looks. And let me be clear here, Nev isn’t all that good looking. I mean,…

Nev Schulman

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At least he loves America. You can tell by the flag that is behind him. It’s the American flag.

JJ THE TURD

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JJ’s time was up, but not before he confessed to America that he cheated on his wife 3 years ago. Now, we know his daughter is 3 years old. That means JJ cheated on a) a very pregnant woman or b) a woman who’d just birthed his first child. That’s not very awesome, even for a turd. Man, the countryside of Ireland is just a killing field. If you’re ever dating Kaitlyn and she suggests heading out to see the cliffs, just fake a panic attack. Do anything you can. Go full-on Sanderson Poe if you have to. Just don’t get in that helicopter or black van, or whatever Kaitlyn has access to. JJ gave us so much this season that it’s kind of sad to see him go. He fell in love with Britt AND Clint. Became a villain for like 2 days. Regretted it. Bragged about being hilarious and then wasn’t funny on stage, failed at rapping, failed at mariachi singing, and finally he told us he listens to musicals, “exclusively”. There hasn’t been a bigger heel on the bachelorette in a while. Where does JJ go from here? Europe? The middle east? I feel like it’s gotta be somewhere without TV or the internet. I’d say ISIS but I don’t think they’re big on musicals.  

JOE

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Joe is growing on me. Maybe the five head and the straight up hair can work. I just love looking at the guy. His hair and his eyes are running away from each other. It’s like he’s got opposing magnets pulling him up and down at the same time. He’s like Jonny Knoxville if he had a super minor stroke. And yet Joe is kind of charming in that slow, southern kind of way. You just gotta love the guy. And yet, I almost marked him blue because with only 3 men going to the fantasy suites there’s no way in H he can keep up. That’s assuming Kaitlyn doesn’t tell the guys about sleeping with Nick and they all decide to leave. But that would never happen…

JONATHAN

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Jonathan was filling space on couches, at rose ceremonies, and on group dates. He was never going to win but he did have a little swagger which Kaitlyn might miss now that he’s gone. He helped to balance out what Chris brings to the table which is the opposite of cool. Good luck, Jonathan. I’m sure you’re a fine person. 

JOSHUA

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This friggin guy. He goes out and what is he talking about? Nick. Joshua has a hard time letting go. He’s like Rain Man with none of the card counting benefits. He coined the phrase, “Man’s Intuition”. Someday Joshua will find a nice woman who is probably also terrified that the government is coming to take all their guns, turn their livestock gay, and give everybody ebola. I don’t know this is going to happen for sure. Call it man’s intuition. 

JUSTIN

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Justin’s hair looked like the alien’s head in Aliens. It was super long, hard, and shiny. Seriously, if the Texans had access to the kind of hair product Justin is rocking, the Alamo wouldn’t have gotten a scratch. I feel like Justin fancies himself a stud. It’s gotta be tough to head home in the same Escalade with Joshua. AND not only that, but Chris the Dentist is still on the show. So is Tanner, the least dangerous thing on the earth. Justin’s gonna be fine though. There are plenty of this type out there that are proabably perfect for our man. 

KUPAH

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HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

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Ryan came. Ryan left. And what do we really know about him? He has well thought out hair. He likes to wear scarves. He has glasses with no prescriptions (probably). This guy is delicate. I wonder what he does for fun. I feel like everything is too dirty for him. Like, if you ever wondered who buys all those men’s products, it’s Ryan. 100 bucks says he’s sprayed his face with Evian. No doubt he cornered at least one of the guys and told him about the importance of a good, citrus-based exfoliant. All that’s left now is for us to guess how high will Ryan’s hair will be when the Men Tell All. 

SHAWN B.

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Gosh dang. Shaun’s best moment was him snoring in a bus. That about says it all right there. Tough week for our ugly Gossling. He’s a totally normal dude who is falling in love with a woman and has to watch her make out with a bunch of guys. There’s nothing wrong with that it’s just more than Shawn can take. He’s a dude that overshaves his stubble beard so the line rides too high up his face. That’s about as everyday as  you can get and everyday doesn’t work in this format. Everyday has you taking multiple elevator trips to confront Kaitlyn. It has you sitting on steps and looking out at Ireland and thinking. What everyday doesn’t have you doing is winning this show. I think Shawn gets to the fantasy suite because Kaitlyn wants to explore him…and he might make it to hometowns but I think that’s where it ends for Shawn. He was made for Bachelors in Paradise. There are so many unstable ladies that would swoon over him. He’d start so many catfights and would have no idea how to stop them.

TANNER

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The only surprise here was that they didn’t shake hands or high five on his way out. See ya, Tanner. Don’t be the guy in the back row at the Men Tell All that talks too much. We don’t care. 

TONY

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Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

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He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

 

We’re getting down to the end here and it looks like our dedication will pay off with an electric episode next week. In honor of telling the truth and being open, I’m going to tell you all a poop joke. “What’s brown and comes out of your butt? Poop.” I just came up with that on the spot because I’m a storyteller.

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