How do we even begin to talk about what just happened? We lost two genuinely good guys and we’re left with friggin tool time. And no I’m not talking about this. Ireland continues to bring us heartache, windblown faces, and desperate sweater choices. How mad are these guys for doing crossfit and going paleo leading up to the show only to be stuck in Ireland for like a month? No six pack can be seen under something so cable knit. Also, I don’t know if real life eskimos who are brothers are bummed out or happy when they’re referenced on the show. It’s just one of the things that makes this thing so complex. Another is that all the guys are wearing the same boots. It’s like when a group of ladies hangs out for a while and their menstrual thing happens at the same time. You know what I’m talking about. We’ve all read the books. I don’t understand Kaitlyn’s hair part. It’s really severe. Is she putting really powerful sunscreen down that thing? It’s super white. I would be staring at it all night if it weren’t for the terrible, sabertooth jewelry. Gosh, now I’m just getting catty. We need to move on and see how the men did before this turns into the great American novel.

And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

Oh, I almost forgot. Britt and Brady are the worst. That’s all I’ll say about those two. They’re funnier than Kristin Wigg and Jason Sudekis trying to be the worst couple in the world.

 

NICK

Nick sucks. There’s just no way around it. And yet, he might not be the worst guy on this show. That is amazing. And it’s not just that he has an anti-princess-lea haircut with holes wear the rolls should be. It’s not that he tucks his skinny jeans into his boots. It’s not that he looks like the dude who was trying to get the painting of Vigo to come to life in Ghostbusters II. It’s that he talks about nothing but his feelings. And he does it in the most see-through, trying-to-be vulnerable, I’m-so-adorable way possible. You just want to punch this guy in the face. The only interesting thing he’s done since coming back is telling us that Shawn B was bragging about making love to a country singer. And that isn’t even about Nick! The most interesting thing Nick has done is about another dude! I can’t keep talking about him. Shawn has done enough of that. Somebody that looks like Nick wearing a sombrero needs to tell us all about child labors laws, fast.

LITTLE CLETUS

My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

DR. JANOSZ POHA & VIGO

Soon the city will be mine and Vigo’s…mainly Vigos.

BEN H. 

Ben is not a virgin. America knows that now. He doesn’t want to punch his ticket to HumpTown which seems to bum out Kaitlyn. Is he religious? Is he worried about what his Grandma back home will think? Does he just really like talking? Or is it that he thinks Kaitlyn would be into talking instead of love-making? If that’s the case, Ben H. doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. Kaitlyn is a fast lady. She likey to get downy. Another thing about Ben H. that’s been troubling me since the beginning. He hasn’t figured out how to buy a suit. He always looks like he’s going to a business meeting instead of doing something fashiony. This week we learned that it’s not just suits when he showed up wearing a merlot colored v-neck sweater that had to have come from the “Grandad” collection in the hotel gift shop. Ben H. just needs a woman with style to help him out. One way that could happen is if, I don’t know, he becomes the next bachelor. No way in H that doesn’t happen. No way in Ben H.

BEN Z. 

What the frick? America’s meathead is gone and the Dentist remains??? Who will protect Kaitlyn when King Longshanks comes a callin’? Ben Z. is not funny. He even dresses in black. But what he lacks in lols he makes up for in brow-line. The guy’s got a warrior’s head. He’s settin’ nasty picks in rec-league hoops. All you guys know what I’m talking about…All 6 of you who read this thing. And yet, I guess in this day and age a man’s pick game just isn’t enough to win a reality dating show. If Ben H doesn’t get a little more dynamic there’s an outside shot they could give the gig to Ben Z. Maybe send him to charm school. Enroll him in Toastmasters or something. I could see Ben Z doing a lot of things. He runs a cross-fit gym in los angeles and he’s reality-show famous. That’s the best Match.com profile starter ever. I could also see him on Bachelors in Paradise. Maybe hooking up with some nice woman from seasons past. Someone who can loosen him up a little. Maybe explore some ruins with the guy. Drink rum with him. We’ll miss you Ben Z. But we will not worry about you. 

KING LONGSHANKS

After the beheading, William Wallace’s body was torn to pieces and sent to the four corners of Britain as warning. It did not have the effect that Longshanks planned…. 

CHRIS THE DENTIST

Good gracious this guy is a real person. I feel like Chris is living out one of those movies where a 12 year old kid and a grown up trade bodies. I’ve always been fond of Vice Versa.Fred Savage does some great things in that one. I feel like what’s-her-butt was in one with Jamie Lee Curtis. Didn’t do much for me. Anyway, back to Chris. He’s like every 11 year old girl’s dream guy. So tender-hearted. So wholesome. I bet he really wants to see Divergent and Insurgent but he’s just not sure he’s ready for that kind of thing. He sings a LOT of Disney songs in his shower back home. And in full voice. Somewhere out there is a young girl living in a woman’s body that’s just perfect for Chris. In fact, I’m gonna go set up a dating website exclusively for kids who’s traded places with there parents and haven’t figured out how to trade back. It’s niche but so are J-date, Blackpeoplemeet, and Grinder. Chris I hope you’ve recovered from your heartbreak. It was awkward and kind of funny to watch you cry into a scarf over a girl you went on one date with. Thanks for the memories. You’re very sweet (dentist joke). 

CLINT

I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

It was only a matter of time before Corey S had to go. His face was too unsettling to be around. He was like that kid that shows up to high school baseball tryouts wearing tennis shoes and jeans with a plastic glove he got for free at a Mariner’s game. It’s got a Mother’s Cookies logo on it and everything. You know there’s just not a shot in H he’s gonna make the team and you can only hope he doesn’t do too much to embarrass himself because you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have much to go home to. Man I just made myself super sad. And that’s what Corey does. He brings sadness to all who gaze upon his strange, strange face. Goodbye, Corey S. I hope you were able to warm up quickly after that rose ceremony. 

SAD TROMBONE

This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad. 

THE BETTER COREY 

Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

We didn’t get anything different from Ian last night. Just more of the same perfection. It was the greatest exit in show history. His lack of self awareness is truly special. As americans we love to reward those who are the best at what they do. Athletes, CEO’s, NAACP leaders. Why can’t we do the same for Ian who is the most clueless person any of us have ever known. You deserve to be celebrated, Ian. I can’t wait for the Men Tell All. You are going to get shredded. It will really be something to marvel. Thank you for that gift. Thank you for the strange hair. Your head looks like Jared’s face. Thank you for small eye, or is one eye too big. I feel like they’re both a little bit wrong. It’s so wonderful that you will end up finding a woman who will marry you. Like, she’ll look at your face and hear you talk and think, “yeah that’s what I’m into for the rest of my life.” What a world we get to experience. If that doesn’t get you believing in a higher power, I don’t know what will. In fact, people at sporting events should ditch their “John 3;16” signs and just hold up pictures of Ian’s face. 

JARED

Ugggh. America will take your jacket, Jared!!!!!! America will take it. What a guy. If he didn’t have moderate facial alopecia and an inexplicable haircut, and eyes that take 4 seconds to blink, this guy would be the greatest bachelor in history. He’s fun. He’s funny. He’s super nice and gracious. Probably all of this stuff is true. Maybe it’s just that in comparison to Shawn friggin B and Nick, Jared looks like the best thing ever. My buddy Evan said that Jared isn’t even an ugly crier. And Evan is a carpenter!(?) But what happens now? Doesn’t Jared seem like the kind of guy every woman in america would try to set up with her friend? You know what that means? It means nobody actually wants him. He’s a human hot potato. And as we discovered last week, he kind of looks like Nev from MTV’s Catfish. He’ll get huge cheers at the Men Tell All but will that be enough? Maybe it’s a thing where a blind woman falls in love with him. But a blind woman that can’t feel his weirdbeard. So like a blind woman with no hands. But like a really kind heart. There. I think we did it. I feel better. 

Nev Schulman

At least he loves America. You can tell by the flag that is behind him. It’s the American flag. 

JJ THE TURD

JJ’s time was up, but not before he confessed to America that he cheated on his wife 3 years ago. Now, we know his daughter is 3 years old. That means JJ cheated on a) a very pregnant woman or b) a woman who’d just birthed his first child. That’s not very awesome, even for a turd. Man, the countryside of Ireland is just a killing field. If you’re ever dating Kaitlyn and she suggests heading out to see the cliffs, just fake a panic attack. Do anything you can. Go full-on Sanderson Poe if you have to. Just don’t get in that helicopter or black van, or whatever Kaitlyn has access to. JJ gave us so much this season that it’s kind of sad to see him go. He fell in love with Britt AND Clint. Became a villain for like 2 days. Regretted it. Bragged about being hilarious and then wasn’t funny on stage, failed at rapping, failed at mariachi singing, and finally he told us he listens to musicals, “exclusively”. There hasn’t been a bigger heel on the bachelorette in a while. Where does JJ go from here? Europe? The middle east? I feel like it’s gotta be somewhere without TV or the internet. I’d say ISIS but I don’t think they’re big on musicals.  

JOE

uggh. That was awkward. And Joe, who’s already super sleepy-country did not react all that well to the news. Turns out heartbreak turns Joe into SlingBlade Guy. Joe has stroke eyes and a super high forehead. But somehow he manages to have some decent charisma. He’ll be fine. He’ll be missed. He’ll probably have a hairstyle that’s less like the climax of a mountain climbing movie the next time we see him. 

JONATHAN

Jonathan was filling space on couches, at rose ceremonies, and on group dates. He was never going to win but he did have a little swagger which Kaitlyn might miss now that he’s gone. He helped to balance out what Chris brings to the table which is the opposite of cool. Good luck, Jonathan. I’m sure you’re a fine person. 

JOSHUA

This friggin guy. He goes out and what is he talking about? Nick. Joshua has a hard time letting go. He’s like Rain Man with none of the card counting benefits. He coined the phrase, “Man’s Intuition”. Someday Joshua will find a nice woman who is probably also terrified that the government is coming to take all their guns, turn their livestock gay, and give everybody ebola. I don’t know this is going to happen for sure. Call it man’s intuition. 

JUSTIN

Justin’s hair looked like the alien’s head in Aliens. It was super long, hard, and shiny. Seriously, if the Texans had access to the kind of hair product Justin is rocking, the Alamo wouldn’t have gotten a scratch. I feel like Justin fancies himself a stud. It’s gotta be tough to head home in the same Escalade with Joshua. AND not only that, but Chris the Dentist is still on the show. So is Tanner, the least dangerous thing on the earth. Justin’s gonna be fine though. There are plenty of this type out there that are proabably perfect for our man. 

KUPAH

HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

Ryan came. Ryan left. And what do we really know about him? He has well thought out hair. He likes to wear scarves. He has glasses with no prescriptions (probably). This guy is delicate. I wonder what he does for fun. I feel like everything is too dirty for him. Like, if you ever wondered who buys all those men’s products, it’s Ryan. 100 bucks says he’s sprayed his face with Evian. No doubt he cornered at least one of the guys and told him about the importance of a good, citrus-based exfoliant. All that’s left now is for us to guess how high will Ryan’s hair will be when the Men Tell All. 

SHAWN B. TRIPPIN’

Good gracious this guy sucks. He’s turned into the highest-maintenance bachelor in this show’s history. We just need to riff for a sec. Just to get it all out. In no particular order:

• The B in Shawn B stands for “Little b-i-t-c-youknowtherest” right?
• He stops the rose ceremony and tells us he’s got to hear what he wants to hear from Kaitlyn or he’s walking. Kaitlyn then very clearly tells him she’s exploring other relationships and does not regret sleeping with Nick. They walk back into the room and Shawn accepts the rose. That’s what he wanted to hear????
• We need to acknowledge the situation happening with Shawn’s face.
  • I don’t know what “combination skin” is but I feel like Shawn’s got it.
  • When Shawn talks about “the other guy” is he referring to the giant zit on his own forehead? Should that zit have to get his own rose?
  • Shawn is trying so hard not to cry that his eyes are getting closer together and the tears are coming out as facial sweat.
  • You know when Bob Costas got really bad pink eye at the Winter Olympics in Sochi? I feel like that’s what might be happening to Shawn’s entire face.
• I love how Shawn put on his bicep’iest shirt to go confront Nick.
• How are all of Shawn’s dress shirts like a size and a half too small even though he’s like zero percent body fat not including his nose?

Thank you for that. It’s important we allow ourselves time to heal on Tuesdays.

TANNER

The only surprise here was that they didn’t shake hands or high five on his way out. See ya, Tanner. Don’t be the guy in the back row at the Men Tell All that talks too much. We don’t care. 

TONY

Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

 

Next week we get a little more fantasy and A LOT more man-cat fighting! What more will Shawn’s face do? Will Kaitlyn be able to stay awake while Ben H. talks to her all night? Can Nick fit another wooden bracelet on his wrist?

Happy Tuesdays, friends.