Last night I spent at least 20 minutes of the 2 hour broadcast with my head under a blanket. Every time one of the twins was on camera, or they showed fake-scientists fake going over fake figures on fake laptops it was like the Nazis were opening the Ark of the Covenant. “DON’T LOOK AT IT MARION!!! KEEP YOUR EYES SHUT!!!

We were also treated to the most romantic prize any woman can win–a two lap trip in a convertible around a high school track, wearing a leather jacket immediately after running a 100 meter hurdle race.

But that’s glory days with our All-American man, Ben Higgins.

Private concerts. Kevin Hart. Helipad kisses. Hellapainful flirting from Lace. It was all there.

Sit back, grab a snack (unless you’re reading this on the toilet) and lets see how the ladies did.

And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long ago. The most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad. 

America’s favorite single mother somehow fits with Ben’s vacant good looks. I would see these two at an upscale grocery store and believe in what they have. Ben made berets for Amanda’s daughters and it was the nicest thing anybody’s ever done for her. Orange County is mean.

We don’t have a microwave in the new house yet. That means I’m eating bigger portions because it’s work to reheat stuff on the stove. And speaking of leftovers…Amber got the rose meant for LB. That wasn’t my best effort but it’s still early in the season.

Becca is real. She has the kind of looks that intimidate other women. It’s a valuable weapon in the hunt for foreverlove. Less important but more impressive is a sick jump shot. Becca could coach the hell out of some middle school girl’s bball. She and Ben would make some fundamentally sound children. Think young John Stocktons.

This girl is bubbly! How do we know? Because her favorite color is yellow. That’s the kind of depth you can reach while in a Ride Along 2 in theaters everywhere with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. She hot tubbed. She danced on a Persian rug to some dude nobody’s ever heard of. She frenched. All with a smile on her face.

Where does it begin for Emily? Like, it’s hard to imagine there being super ditzy blondes during the great depression. Out there toiling in the dust storms with died hair and bad jewelry. But Emily had to come from somewhere. Biology says so. I’d like to go back in time and introduce a prophylactic to her grandparents. I feel like  condoms were super weird back in the day. Like they had springs and coils and steel so I’d go to a Walgreens and bring one from our time. That’s just being a considerate time traveler.

Her picture says “Haley” but i’m not convinced this isn’t just Emily looking in the opposite direction. Remember all that stuff about dust and condoms? Same thing applies here. NEXT.

Jami gets through because why not.

Morals and sexual attraction. Jennifer is an enigma of revealing blouses and vague christian phrases. I think we’ll get a decent amount of time to figure her out. Unless they go somewhere cold and she’s forced into a turtleneck situation. Keep an eye on Jennifer. But do your best to keep that eye above the neckline.

JoJo’s ok. She wondered why she wasn’t getting any time with Ben only to end up higher than she’s ever been in her life and making out on a helipad. I have an intense fear of heights and would’ve peed up there. So once again, I’m glad it wasn’t me on the Bachelor kissing a guy.

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Ben was all about lockin’ lips but I felt like Ol’ Jubes was a little hesitant. She might be strong enough to survive 6 years in an orphanage and time serving in war but I don’t think she’s got the stones to make it in this game. Scenes from next week look grim. Stay tuned.

Lace uses a “u” for all her vowels. So like she’ll say, “Thuz butchus butter wutch ut”. It’s not very becoming. Neither is referring to herself in the 3rd person or telling Ben over and over about how she isn’t crazy. She interrupts Ben at super awkward times. Watching them talk is like when golfers get pumped up and try to high five their caddy’s.

So there’s all that and yet I walked away from last night kind of feeling sorry for Lace. She’s  this seasons’ Tony (the healer). There’s no way she should’ve been allowed on this show. Too insecure. Too damaged. It’s either that or she’s horrible. Or she’s an alien who learned how to be human by listening to radio waves in space and watching Real Housewives only by Bravo.

Ok first, there’s an LB and a Lauren B? This season is breaking the mold. Back to Lauren B. Ben is into her. She didn’t get a date this week but I’m putting her into my final 4. I could see her being the next bachelorette. It’s still super early to tell. For now she’ll have to do with the picture Ben somehow had made for her in the zero free time he had.

Heavy midwestern accent. Large mouth. Those qualifications will get you lost in the shuffle until the crazies and ethnics get voted off.

Where does Lauren H end and Leah begin?

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Olivia looks like the T-Rex from the original Jurassic Park when it’s trying to eat the two annoying kids in their Ford Explorer. “TURN THE LIGHT OFF. TURN THE LIGHT OOOOOOFFFFF!!!!!! The scariest part about all this is that I think Olivia practices her crazy facial expressions in the mirror and thinks she’s cute. She’s the type of person that has no friends and doesn’t even notice. Somehow she’ll land a gig on Fox News after all this. Picture that face in reaction to Hillary Clinton suggesting there should be background checks for bazookas. Short story long, Olivia is the worst.

Rachel is this season’s “are we sure she started out on the show and didn’t just hike up the canyon behind the mansion in a cocktail dress and wander into week 2’s rose ceremony?” girl. In any case, she got a rose. We’ll see you next week?

We thought Shushanna was Russian. She left no doubt saying something about eating cabbage a few weeks ago. And that’s Shushanna.

I hope you all find love today and have a great rest of the week. Things look to get even realer next Monday night.