And what a viva it was. Like looking back in a mirror. Only instead of the penthouse suite, the helicopter, and the talent show, my Vegas is walking around for hours looking for a $5 black jack table, diet coke and whisky, the lazy river at MGM, and my buddy brent sleeping on the floor because the other queen bed in our room is packed with two other dudes. Thrifty.

But this isn’t about me. It isn’t about us. And it sure as H isn’t about Brent. It’s about the most romantic gesture ever: an anonymous neon billboard acknowledging that the man you are dating is also dating 13 other women and that he will see you soon. That sign made Sleepless in Seattle look like a dog turd.

It didn’t end with the sign. We also got a healthy dose of high shorts, helicopter wind, wiener dogs, weddings, a mom blouse, some subtle frenching, a fake panic attack, puppet porn, and a pitty hug.

Also bubbling under the surface is a battle to be fought by Ben Higgins and ABC. More on that to come…

Grab a midday merlot (unless you’re reading this on the toilet) and lets see how the ladies did.

And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long ago. The most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad. 

Amanda continues to lay back, SoCal style. Looks like she’s attacked next week because when a man and a woman love each other the man puts his weenis in the woman’s vasheen and then that love creates a little baby that lives in the woman’s belly for 9 months until the placenta falls to the floor hashtag the band Live and then the man and the woman do that again and name the second daughter Charlie or Jarlie we’re not quite sure because Amanda’s voice is really high and it’s hard to understand her sometimes.

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My wife and I filled out brackets and I chose Becca as my winner. I needed her to deliver last night and she kind of did. Ben seems hesitant. Is it because he fancies himself a super emotional guy? Does he think he needs a woman to match? Or does he need a woman to be super emotional so he can feel strong? So many questions. Everybody seems to love Becca. But does Ben? I’m basing her winning on one thing: her jumpshot. We saw it a few weeks ago and it was silky smooth. I think you can base a relationship on something like that.

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Caila is the bizarro Olivia. She’s humble and sweet and then surprisingly sex panther’y. Olivia is prideful, mean and when she tries to be sexy 1,200 people act like somebody’s farted in their faces. Caila and Olivia also have different colored hair. This is perfect.

Emily stays, i think. Is it harder to be the dominant twin? Always being chosen for things and having to watch out for you weaker self? I don’t know. There’s only one of me. I’m glad she’s alone though. I can’t take that much terrible jewelry at once.

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Jennifer is this season’s Samantha. She’s pretty? She has dark hair. She doesn’t say a word and she keeps getting roses. We’ve gotta have a one on one coming up soon. We can’t live in mystery forever.

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JoJo heads out to her one on one wearing shorts i don’t understand. I feel like they were really top heavy and really really ripped. Pair that with a shirt that almost blew off in the helicopter wind and it’s just the kind of stuff about women that I will never get. Kind of like 7th grade algebra. But JoJo’s got game and Ben is into her. She could go deep in this thing. Keep your eyes on JoJo.

Jubes is just kinda great but she isn’t made for this game at all. It’s like, I enjoy tuna fish sandwiches. I like eating tuna sushi. Tuna is just kinda great. But when you drop a big tuna into the ocean with a bunch of chum it’s gonna get destroyed by sharks. Just torn to shreds. They’ll use it’s flesh for a soccer ball and play shark games. Seahorses will be the referees because they’re kind of uppity and sticklers for the rules.

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Lauren B has a face where you can look at it and kind of tell what she’s gonna look like as an old lady. It seems like she’s got this thing in the bag. But don’t be so sure. Ben Higgins is a fine young man, but ABC is a giant, powerful network with deep pockets. I see them going hard for Lauren B to become the next bachelorette. Will she go with her heart or will she go for fame and mild fortune?

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Friendzone. She’ll be fine, live in a house with crown molding. She’ll marry a dude in finance or a local newscaster type. They’ll try to become youtube stars by filming their every day lives.

Leah just kind of stands around. Apparently that’s enough at this point. But can she go forward? A few guys who read the blog have told me that they think she’s the hottest. So I guess there’s that. Guys that read a bachelor blog think she’s hot. We’ll see what happens.

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I could write a hardbound book about Olivia. The arrogance. The lead up to the talent show. The “I’m zen for Ben” thing that came before she fakes a panic attack. This girl is a train wreck of being 23. She hasn’t gotten her butt kicked by the world yet. She doesn’t know. But she’s finding out. The slow crawl out of that cake was too much for me. I had to hide under my throw blanket. When I came back out she was jiggling her upstairs bits to a crowd of silent old people. It was like watching two Hindenburgs going down in flames.

 

They panned back to get an audience reaction and it was full tumbleweed.

You could hear a single man cough. Meanwhile, Olivia won’t stop. She’s kicking with all the ferocity of a 1st grade soccer player.

And somehow the band won’t just stop playing so she goes down into the crowd to say hello while still somehow dancing only the crowd is trying to escape. I’ll bet every butt in every one of those seats was moving to the back of their chairs. Then, after the performance she awkwardly interrupts at least two girls while they are talking to Ben. He is visibly tired of Olivia’s schtick. But she gets a rose and we get one more week with her. I can’t wait till the Women Tell All. She needs her own chair. We need to know if she’s learned anything. MOVING ON….

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Next week we get Olivia vs The World. Choose your side now. People gonna burn.

In foreverlove,

G