Week 4 – Viva Las Vegas!

And what a viva it was. Like looking back in a mirror. Only instead of the penthouse suite, the helicopter, and the talent show, my Vegas is walking around for hours looking for a $5 black jack table, diet coke and whisky, the lazy river at MGM, and my buddy brent sleeping on the floor because the other queen bed in our room is packed with two other dudes. Thrifty.
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But this isn’t about me. It isn’t about us. And it sure as H isn’t about Brent. It’s about the most romantic gesture ever: an anonymous neon billboard acknowledging that the man you are dating is also dating 13 other women and that he will see you soon. That sign made Sleepless in Seattle look like a dog turd.
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It didn’t end with the sign. We also got a healthy dose of high shorts, helicopter wind, wiener dogs, weddings, a mom blouse, some subtle frenching, a fake panic attack, puppet porn, and a pitty hug.
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Also bubbling under the surface is a battle to be fought by Ben Higgins and ABC. More on that to come…
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Grab a midday merlot (unless you’re reading this on the toilet) and lets see how the ladies did.
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And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long ago. The most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad. 
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Amanda continues to lay back, SoCal style. Looks like she’s attacked next week because when a man and a woman love each other the man puts his weenis in the woman’s vasheen and then that love creates a little baby that lives in the woman’s belly for 9 months until the placenta falls to the floor hashtag the band Live and then the man and the woman do that again and name the second daughter Charlie or Jarlie we’re not quite sure because Amanda’s voice is really high and it’s hard to understand her sometimes.
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It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
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My wife and I filled out brackets and I chose Becca as my winner. I needed her to deliver last night and she kind of did. Ben seems hesitant. Is it because he fancies himself a super emotional guy? Does he think he needs a woman to match? Or does he need a woman to be super emotional so he can feel strong? So many questions. Everybody seems to love Becca. But does Ben? I’m basing her winning on one thing: her jumpshot. We saw it a few weeks ago and it was silky smooth. I think you can base a relationship on something like that.
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Caila is the bizarro Olivia. She’s humble and sweet and then surprisingly sex panther’y. Olivia is prideful, mean and when she tries to be sexy 1,200 people act like somebody’s farted in their faces. Caila and Olivia also have different colored hair. This is perfect.
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Emily stays, i think. Is it harder to be the dominant twin? Always being chosen for things and having to watch out for you weaker self? I don’t know. There’s only one of me. I’m glad she’s alone though. I can’t take that much terrible jewelry at once.
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Bachelor Recap Haley.png
Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
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Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
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 Bachelor Recap Jami.png
Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
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Jennifer is this season’s Samantha. She’s pretty? She has dark hair. She doesn’t say a word and she keeps getting roses. We’ve gotta have a one on one coming up soon. We can’t live in mystery forever.
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JoJo heads out to her one on one wearing shorts i don’t understand. I feel like they were really top heavy and really really ripped. Pair that with a shirt that almost blew off in the helicopter wind and it’s just the kind of stuff about women that I will never get. Kind of like 7th grade algebra. But JoJo’s got game and Ben is into her. She could go deep in this thing. Keep your eyes on JoJo.
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Jubes is just kinda great but she isn’t made for this game at all. It’s like, I enjoy tuna fish sandwiches. I like eating tuna sushi. Tuna is just kinda great. But when you drop a big tuna into the ocean with a bunch of chum it’s gonna get destroyed by sharks. Just torn to shreds. They’ll use it’s flesh for a soccer ball and play shark games. Seahorses will be the referees because they’re kind of uppity and sticklers for the rules.
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Bachelor Recap Lace.png
I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
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LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
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Lauren B has a face where you can look at it and kind of tell what she’s gonna look like as an old lady. It seems like she’s got this thing in the bag. But don’t be so sure. Ben Higgins is a fine young man, but ABC is a giant, powerful network with deep pockets. I see them going hard for Lauren B to become the next bachelorette. Will she go with her heart or will she go for fame and mild fortune?
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Friendzone. She’ll be fine, live in a house with crown molding. She’ll marry a dude in finance or a local newscaster type. They’ll try to become youtube stars by filming their every day lives.
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Leah just kind of stands around. Apparently that’s enough at this point. But can she go forward? A few guys who read the blog have told me that they think she’s the hottest. So I guess there’s that. Guys that read a bachelor blog think she’s hot. We’ll see what happens.
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Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
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I could write a hardbound book about Olivia. The arrogance. The lead up to the talent show. The “I’m zen for Ben” thing that came before she fakes a panic attack. This girl is a train wreck of being 23. She hasn’t gotten her butt kicked by the world yet. She doesn’t know. But she’s finding out. The slow crawl out of that cake was too much for me. I had to hide under my throw blanket. When I came back out she was jiggling her upstairs bits to a crowd of silent old people. It was like watching two Hindenburgs going down in flames.
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They panned back to get an audience reaction and it was full tumbleweed.
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You could hear a single man cough. Meanwhile, Olivia won’t stop. She’s kicking with all the ferocity of a 1st grade soccer player.
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And somehow the band won’t just stop playing so she goes down into the crowd to say hello while still somehow dancing only the crowd is trying to escape. I’ll bet every butt in every one of those seats was moving to the back of their chairs. Then, after the performance she awkwardly interrupts at least two girls while they are talking to Ben. He is visibly tired of Olivia’s schtick. But she gets a rose and we get one more week with her. I can’t wait till the Women Tell All. She needs her own chair. We need to know if she’s learned anything. MOVING ON….
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Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
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It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
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She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
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Next week we get Olivia vs The World. Choose your side now. People gonna burn.
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In foreverlove,
G

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