Week 5 – Crickets

Apparently there was something happening in Iowa last night. Chris Souls showered outside of a barn. Also, politics.
.
And so, quickly, while I didn’t watch the caucus (I had to google that to spell it right), let’s see how our presidential hopefuls did.
.
Ted Cruz
Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 12.12.16 PM.png
Is he evil? Probably. Is he the kind of evil that sleeps in footie pajamas? Definitely.
.
.
Donald Trump
Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 12.13.08 PM.png
Tump is like if Hitler had way too much sodium in his diet.
.
.
Hilary Clinton
Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 12.14.06 PM.png
OK fine I’ll admit it. I used to think she was kidna hot when I was in 9th grade.
.
.
Bernie Sanders
Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 12.14.51 PM.png
He’s like a friendly grandpa only instead of giving you hard candies and smelling like soup he advocates for the poor and marginalized.
.
.
There. Hard hitting journalism. Hopefully that level of know-how and scrutiny helps my mom feel less embarrassed that her son writes a blog about the Bachelor. Either way, it’s time to focus on what’s really important.
.
What a night! The emotional swings. The “say whaaaaaaaaat?”s. The sleeping retainers!
.
We got to see Mexico from the skies and experience the romantic setting of two people and a cameraman, and a Mexican guy pulling a cord, all in a tiny whicker box.
.
An American hero went home. An American villain got a rose. There was cooking. There was prom jewelry. There was dragon breath. Ben’s fashion show hair deserves its own blog but I don’t have the time or funds to get bensblowout.com off the ground.
.
Let’s just get to the ladies.
.
And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long ago. The most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad.
 . .
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.41 AM.png
We got more Amanda this week, but did we really? We know she’s cute. We know her ex husband is about as douchey as it gets. We were getting to know her visititation rights and carpool schedule before Olivia referred to Amanda’s life as an episode of Teen Mom. But apart from that, Amanda doesn’t show a ton of emotion. Feel, Amanda. Maybe Ben could watch Amanda watching We Bought a Zoo. That movie. Every time it makes me cry. And yes, that does mean I’ve seen We Bought a Zoo more than once.
 . .
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.49 AM.png
It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
  .
  .
  . 
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.57 AM.png
The only thing Becca did was wear the strangest little top knot I’ve ever seen. There just doesn’t seem to be a huge spark there. This could kill my bracket. Get in the game, girl!
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Caila.png
Caila did what Caila does. She smiled and frenched. Ben probably thinks of his time with Caila as a nice break from the talking about nothing. A time that he can just relax his mind and let his lips do the work. It’s exactly what happens with me when I’m eating a Reuben sandwich.
  .
  . 
  .
Bachelor Recap Emily.png
Emily isn’t good at cooking, or school work, or talking, or thinking. The one thing she does well is Irish line dancing. Sadly for her, we’ve already seen it. If she gets farther than last night I will be shocked.
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Haley.png
Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
  .
  .
  . 
Bachelor Recap Jackie.png
Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
  .
  .
  .
 Bachelor Recap Jami.png
Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.24.42 AM.png
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Jennifer.png
Jennifer is starting to become fascinating. She REALLY doesn’t say or do anything and yet she’s still around. Did the producers forget that she’s here? What do you say about somebody you’re around all the time but don’t know at all all? I guess it’s like seeing the same people on the bus every morning and not talking to them but wondering where it is they spend their days. Maybe that’s enough to base a relationship on.
   .
  .
   . 
Bachelor Recap JoJo.png
JoJo has reminded me of a movie character this whole time but I haven’t been able to put my finger on it until now. She might not do inappropriate things to you under the family dinner table BUT, she’s got a little bit of Wedding Crashers Stage 4 Clinger in her.
images.jpeg
And still, I bet she’s around for a hometown. Ben only looks at one other woman the way he looks at JoJo. If she isn’t the winner, I could see her as the next bachelorette.
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Jubilee.png
Jubes was a fan favorite. So real, but so not suited to date the same guy as her 10 friends. Jubilee is like what would happen if any of you normal folks out there tried to go on the bachelor and took it seriously. You would charm because you are charming but ultimately it would be hard to kiss a guy when he tastes like whatever is coming out of Olivia’s mouth. We will miss Jubilee. She left an impression. And like Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, and my hairline, Jubilee left us too soon. Godspeed, friend. We will miss you. “Taps” – a trumpet
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Lace.png
I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
   .
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap LB.png
LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
   .
   .
   .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.04.49 AM.png
If ABC is trying to hide the fact that Lauren B and Ben are in love, man are they doing a bad job of it. For the past few weeks I thought Lauren would give in to being the next bachelorette but after last night I just don’t see her turning down a life with Ben. I mean a life. Like, a loooong, liiiiiife with Ben. Unless he does something really stupid, these two are getting married. Forget the proposal. I could see them asking Neil Lane to get his Officiant license online and marrying them right there on the beach. Or maybe it’ll all go to H. We’ll have to wait and see.
   .
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap Lauren H.png
Who saw that coming? She was friend zoned with no hopes of getting a rose and Lauren H dominated that date. It was like Villanova Georgetown in ’85 amiright? She’s got depth to go with the muppet mouth and midwestern accent. She’s actually super likable. I bet all of her little dude kindergartners have crushes on her. I had a crush on a girl in Kindergarten.  I also had to sit and watch an anti smoking video in kindergarten because a kid put a cigarette in my pocket at the bus stop and when I showed up to school they thought I was a smoker.
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Leah.png
At this point, she’s Jennifer with blonde hair. And I get it. If I was a producer and saw the crap that Olivia pulls on a second-by-second basis I would be focusing on her too, from a distance because of the breath problems. But Leah deserves more. She’s a favorite of the male reading population.
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Mandi.png
Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Olivia.png

Could this be it for Olivia????? And did it come from the hand of Emily, the least likely of the women to do anything well??? The arrogance is amazing. How did she get the group date rose just seconds after Jubilee went home? It was like if you took away a child’s ice cream cone and then kicked him square in the junk. She cooked with crickets. Her breath was so bad that Ben begged a mexican farmer for more mint. How is Olivia going to do at the Women Tell All? Will she fake cry to get sentiment or is she even aware that America doesn’t like her? She’s got that Anne Hathaway thing where it seems like she’s on all the time. I just, I don’t even know. Somehow we’ll have to wait a week to find out what happens. How am I supposed to work or remember to eat food?

 

   .
   Bachelor Recap Rachel.png
Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 11.05.07 AM.png
Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
   .
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Samantha.png
It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
   .
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Shushanna.png
She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
   .
  .
  .
They ToBeContinued us, those bastards! Who knows what we’ll get next week. They gave us a “this season on”. It’s a time to be strong right now. Hold on and hold fast. We will get our answers.
   .
In foreverlove,
G
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s