Week 6 – Hot dogs in the water

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Good gravy what a good season. When the final credits rolled last night I was like Chris Pine after the Selma song at last year’s oscars.
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Most of the women know how ridiculous this whole thing is. So does Ben. And yet, they can’t help but fall into the trap. It’s amazing because for maybe the first time ever it’s giving us a glimpse at what happens when normal people get caught up in this show. It’s the same reason we all look forward to Monday nights so much. It’s almost like we’re watching ourselves, and as it turns out, we aren’t boring! We’re friggin awesome!
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Last night’s episode was probably built with Olivia’s exit as a climax but by the time she was left for dead on that island we’d already seen so much.
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Tears at a rose ceremony.
Leah’s becoming a stone cold sociopath.
Chicken dogs in the water.
Caila’s strange.
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And probably the biggest moment of the night, the realization that Grey’s Anatomy is still on! When will it end? Gosh, when did it begin? Weren’t we all SMS text messaging each other about Grey’s when the plane hit the second tower?
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Last night’s episode was the kind of thing that the show’s producers and directors can be proud of. It’s like what Mozart must’ve felt like as he tucked himself into full body pajamas and sleeping makeup.
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Let’s dive in and see how the ladies did.

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And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long agoThe most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad.
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I like, like Amanda because like I think, like she means well and like you can like see the connection she like has with Ben and every like time she like gets to like talk to him they like seem to like really like hit it off. Even though last night’s like lighting made like all of the women like kind of look like guys with makeup on, like amanda like still looked like OK. That’s like gotta mean like something. Right?
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It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
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Things are getting real and Becca might be making a connection at the right time. She’s got a ton of ground to make up because Lauren B is at least two lengths ahead. This is like Seabuscuit vs Warhorse only the opposite because Becca is about twice the size of Lauren B. The last time I watched Seabiscuit i kept waiting for Diane Lane to show up. Turns out she’s in a different horse movie. #Life
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Caila’s sweetness made us drop our gaurds for a few weeks. We forgot that she was the one who dumped her boyfriend for a guy on TV. Imagine if your boyfriend came up to you and said, “Hey, the thing is you’re great but I just watched Big Bang Theory and turns out 1) that show really is terrible, and 2) I am in love with Miam Bialik. So we’re done and I’m moving to Hollywood to be with her.” That would make you mad but then you’d probably immediately be grateful for dodging a big time bullet. I feel like there are a bunch of people watching who know Caila in real life and are just waiting for things to get uncomfortable.
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Normally you’d be happy if an underdog took out a bully. But this is like if David was from Vegas and wore terrible jewelry and was bad at everything and you always kind of thought he was really just a 7th grader with some kind of liver disease that ages him up about 10 years. Sure you’d enjoy him killing goliath but at the end of the day, he’s still pretty bad too. Wasn’t that island big enough for both Emily and Olivia to be left for dead?
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Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
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Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
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Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
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Jennifer. She left without being giving a shot. And here’s the thing, it was kind of sad. All the girls in the house knew how great she is, and yet Olivia and Emily, and even crazy Leah were left standing with roses. Jennifer could be the one that got away for Ben. I could see him watching this back and kicking himself for letting her go. But don’t cry for Jennifer. She’ll step back into wherever she’s from and dominate the dating scene. Odds are she’s already married and pregnant by now. It’s what morals and low cut tops will get you. There. We learned something.
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It’s looking more and more like JoJo will find herself in one of the last limos to leave paradise. I think she’ll lose out to Lauren B and find herself back in a similar tropical place a year from now, standing on some cliff, looking into the distance for answers as the next bachelorette. The pigs were drawn to her, for whatever that’s worth.

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Jubes was a fan favorite. So real, but so not suited to date the same guy as her 10 friends. Jubilee is like what would happen if any of you normal folks out there tried to go on the bachelor and took it seriously. You would charm because you are charming but ultimately it would be hard to kiss a guy when he tastes like whatever is coming out of Olivia’s mouth. We will miss Jubilee. She left an impression. And like Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, and my hairline, Jubilee left us too soon. Godspeed, friend. We will miss you. “Taps” – a trumpet
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I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
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LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
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It just continues for Lauren B. Hurricane crazy came at her with totally unfounded claims but it doesn’t look like any punches landed. Good for Ben for being able to diagnose Leah’s cluelessness. You can’t tell from this picture, but Lauren has a child-size mouth. Side to side it’s gotta be no wider than a hostess donette. Having a small mouth probably makes swallowing a bug really bad because part of it is always touching you. Something to think about.
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It was just time. Lauren H is perfectly likable and she’ll be fine. She belongs on a soccer sideline in yoga pants and cute mittens. It’s what she wants. Still, she couldn’t escape the breakdown in the back of the SUV which surprised me. I would think Lauren H was prepared enough to not let that happen to her. I could see Lauren H trying to talk too much at the women tell all. I could also see her going on Bachelors in Paradise because she believes in finding love on TV a little too much.    .

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What the heck was that???? Leah just completely broke. This is dangerous stuff. It’s like when my fear of heights kicks in and I get worried I’ll just inexplicably lose control of my faculties and jump out of a high window. Have we ever seen such a desperate act on this show? And have we ever seen it carried out so poorly? It was like watching one of those cat videos where the little guy is perched on a ledge about to jump to the counter and you’re sitting there saying, “Oh no…don’t do it little guy…you’re not gonna make it.” Only when a cat falls it’s cute. Leah is like Hot Rod from the movie, Hot Rod. 
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Leah, the Women Tell All could be really embarrassing for you. Own up quickly. Apologize. And may God have mercy on your soul. 
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Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
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And just like that, it’s over. One of the most fascinating contestants this franchise has ever known, is gone. Taken out by a women her own age that Olivia referred to as someone she’d have to babysit. Just days prior Olivia stated her case for being different than the other woman by saying, “I like to talk smart things.” Olivia likes to read books. She likes politics and religion. She isn’t interested in things like doing her nails, or (catty alert!!!) tending to her blonde beard which came out of nowhere on that cold, damp island. I feel like Olivia is one of those people that invites you to something fun, like sailing. Only you get there and the music on the boat is really stuffy and instead of beer she has not enough wine, and the food is all whole grain and she demands you wear a life jacket which kills any chance at an even tan and no you can’t go swimming because water isn’t allowed on the surface of the boat but yes you’re invited to talk about the Arab Spring and if you ask her if she’s watching anything on Netlflix she says, “what’s that? I’m sorry, if it isn’t a play I haven’t seen it.” If you’re Olivia, what do you do now? Where do you go? My guess is she’ll probably be super annoying about learning a lot and growing. Maybe she’ll get a gig on The View or Fox and Friends. She’ll probably wear a sweater tied around her shoulders, and not ironically. I feel like Olivia could actually be cool if she went to like a summer therapy program where she could just be around normal patient people who could tell her to just stop it anytime she got annoying. The Women Tell All is gonna be something else. 
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Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
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It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
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She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
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Well, that was fun, and if you watched what’s left to come this season you know it doesn’t stop here! If you know people who aren’t watching, get them plugged in! If you know people who aren’t reading this blog, spread the word! All sharing is appreciated as my hope is to one day make enough money off this show to pay for our basement remodel.
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In foreverlove,
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