Week 7 – I don’t like vegetables

If last week’s episode was emotional Hurricane Katrina, this week’s was what’s left after the storm. Sweet, fragile, women picking themselves up, taking stock of their lives, and trading bad jewelry while sipping tea in tattered sweaters and yoga pants.
It was like everybody involved with the show needed to catch his or her breath after Olivia was left to die on that Privateisland™. And where best to regroup than Warsaw Indiana, the Orthopedic Capital of the world. If you airbnb only one distinctly 90’s lake house this summer, airbnb in Warsaw Indiana. Where breakfast is served anytime and special needs kids hit half court shots on the regular. #halfcourtronnie
Group dates are shorter here. One-on-ones pop up in backyards, dive bars, and drive thru’s. Apparently, it’s no place for a woman that doesn’t like vegetables. More on that later.
I invite you to fire up the old, red chevy pickup in your pants (no clue what that means) and join me for some precious remembering. (unless you’re reading this on the toilet?).
Let’s dive in and see how the ladies did.

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And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long agoThe most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad.
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For weeks we’ve thought Amanda was great. But is she? What do we know about her? She married a giant douchebag. She has a daughter whose name sounds like Jarlie. That’s kind of it. And, I hate to say this because it’s not super sweet but the integrity of this blog depends on honesty—she’s kind of a two-face. Sometimes, totally cute. Other times it looks like she’s spent her life smoking cigars in a tanning bed. Jerry Seinfeld knows what I’m talking about…
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It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
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Becca goes home and my bachelor bracket is busted. She just didn’t have enough in the emotional tank. She’s like the foie gras I had on Valentines day: fancy but kinda bland.  And it’s a shame too that Becca didn’t cry in front of Ben because she’s kind of a pretty crier. Now is not the time to leave a weapon like that in the… place where weapons are stored. Gosh, that place needs a name. Maybe it has one and I just don’t know what it is because I wasn’t allowed to watch GI Joe or The A-Team. There will be those that wonder whether or not we’ve seen the last of Becca. I for one hope she gets back to being a chiropractic assistant…moving on.
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Caila cries but gets into the final four. At this point she’s gotta be seen as bringing up the rear but it’s before Ben gets a taste of instant fatherhood next week with lil’kinsly and jarlieballs. Caila’s dad looks like a wax museum character who was left out under a hot lamp too long. But that’s for next week.
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And just when you thought the episode was too saccharine sweet, Emily happened. America’s toes curled when we watched her precious moments unfold with Ben’s parents. Dreams of becoming an NFL cheerleader. She like movies. She likes ducks. She does not like vegetables. She has a tough time completing a sentence and the whole time she’s talking you just know that Ben’s parents are searching for polite ways to tell their son that they’d like Emily to be escorted off their property. But it’s not their fault. This is their son. And it’s not Emily’s fault. That’s just who she is. And the boat ride back. The silent boat ride back where we all knew she was toast but she thought she would be shopping for rings upon docking. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen boat ride that uncomfortable. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-16 at 1.26.51 PM.pngBut this isn’t the end for Emily. She’ll grow. She’ll change. She’ll take this experience and shape a life with it. I think Emily came a long way in her journey and she helped swing a lot of people in her favor. For that, she is a winner.   .
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Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
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Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
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Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
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Jennifer. She left without being giving a shot. And here’s the thing, it was kind of sad. All the girls in the house knew how great she is, and yet Olivia and Emily, and even crazy Leah were left standing with roses. Jennifer could be the one that got away for Ben. I could see him watching this back and kicking himself for letting her go. But don’t cry for Jennifer. She’ll step back into wherever she’s from and dominate the dating scene. Odds are she’s already married and pregnant by now. It’s what morals and low cut tops will get you. There. We learned something.
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JoJo gets whisked away to Chicago for a dream date in Wrigley Field. Heck, I’d throw on a Cubs jersey that said “Mrs. Higgins” on the back for a chance to hit some balls around the Friendly Confines. Gosh dang that burger looked good on the table they were sitting at. Do the sound guys just stand there and stare at the food, waiting for the go ahead to eat what’s left untouched?
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Unlike JoJo I would not have sinking hands when rubbing Ben’s stomach. It’s like JoJo has a magnet on her wrist that’s being pulled southbound if you know what I’m saying. Seems like she wants to take their relationship to the next level and no I’m not talking about going to an Exploring Engagement class at Ben’s church. I’m talking about second base. Now we’re mixing baseball metaphors while they’re laying down inside a baseball stadium. This is getting confusing. JoJo is afraid to give herself fully to Ben because she doesn’t know how he feels. That suggests she’s a normal human person. As long as she doesn’t have epically douchey brothers, JoJo should be good to go next week at the hometowns…eep.

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Jubes was a fan favorite. So real, but so not suited to date the same guy as her 10 friends. Jubilee is like what would happen if any of you normal folks out there tried to go on the bachelor and took it seriously. You would charm because you are charming but ultimately it would be hard to kiss a guy when he tastes like whatever is coming out of Olivia’s mouth. We will miss Jubilee. She left an impression. And like Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, and my hairline, Jubilee left us too soon. Godspeed, friend. We will miss you. “Taps” – a trumpet
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I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
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LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
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Unless something crazy happens, LoBo has this thing locked up. Her dad has the softest skin. He looks like a man who’s never had to shave a day in his life. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Lauren shines in the local YMCA gym. She doesn’t seem grossed out by the kids. She kisses Ben when nobody’s looking. Later, she doesn’t ask questions about that weird loft they went to for their conversation about Leah calling her out. What was up with that place? They were in an out of it so quickly and it was just a random room with cheap furniture in it. Did they rent it by the hour? Is it Ben’s dad’s office lobby? We need more information. The Bachelor with Directors commentary. Once this blog takes off I’m going to spend my lavish resources on a microphone and sell DVD’s of seasons past with fake director’s commentary. “Brian Austin Green got Invisaline braces in this little room. There’s a plaque on the wall. If you look real hard you can see it.” You get the point.
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 It was just time. Lauren H is perfectly likable and she’ll be fine. She belongs on a soccer sideline in yoga pants and cute mittens. It’s what she wants. Still, she couldn’t escape the breakdown in the back of the SUV which surprised me. I would think Lauren H was prepared enough to not let that happen to her. I could see Lauren H trying to talk too much at the women tell all. I could also see her going on Bachelors in Paradise because she believes in finding love on TV a little too much.    .
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What the heck was that???? Leah just completely broke. This is dangerous stuff. It’s like when my fear of heights kicks in and I get worried I’ll just inexplicably lose control of my faculties and jump out of a high window. Have we ever seen such a desperate act on this show? And have we ever seen it carried out so poorly? It was like watching one of those cat videos where the little guy is perched on a ledge about to jump to the counter and you’re sitting there saying, “Oh no…don’t do it little guy…you’re not gonna make it.” Only when a cat falls it’s cute. Leah is like Hot Rod from the movie, Hot Rod. 
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Leah, the Women Tell All could be really embarrassing for you. Own up quickly. Apologize. And may God have mercy on your soul. 
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Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
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And just like that, it’s over. One of the most fascinating contestants this franchise has ever known, is gone. Taken out by a women her own age that Olivia referred to as someone she’d have to babysit. Just days prior Olivia stated her case for being different than the other woman by saying, “I like to talk smart things.” Olivia likes to read books. She likes politics and religion. She isn’t interested in things like doing her nails, or (catty alert!!!) tending to her blonde beard which came out of nowhere on that cold, damp island. I feel like Olivia is one of those people that invites you to something fun, like sailing. Only you get there and the music on the boat is really stuffy and instead of beer she has not enough wine, and the food is all whole grain and she demands you wear a life jacket which kills any chance at an even tan and no you can’t go swimming because water isn’t allowed on the surface of the boat but yes you’re invited to talk about the Arab Spring and if you ask her if she’s watching anything on Netlflix she says, “what’s that? I’m sorry, if it isn’t a play I haven’t seen it.” If you’re Olivia, what do you do now? Where do you go? My guess is she’ll probably be super annoying about learning a lot and growing. Maybe she’ll get a gig on The View or Fox and Friends. She’ll probably wear a sweater tied around her shoulders, and not ironically. I feel like Olivia could actually be cool if she went to like a summer therapy program where she could just be around normal patient people who could tell her to just stop it anytime she got annoying. The Women Tell All is gonna be something else. 
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Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
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It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
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She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
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That’s all for now. Enjoy your weeks and get emotionally ready for what looks like another amazing tour of American hometowns.

In foreverlove,

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