Week 8 – Hometowns

How am I going to do this? It’s easier to point out “opportunities for life improvement” in women who choose to be a part of this show. It’s another thing to talk about the families. It’s complicated!
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If you live in Dallas and wear a shawl collar sweater with no undershirt, you are fair game. But if you’re the CEO of a toy factory and somebody convinced you to that Cross Colors orange denim was a good idea, well that’s tougher to poke fun at.
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For the most part, we all got out of last night unscathed. There were no unbearably awesome talks with dad. “I know I’m dating 3 other women but I’d like to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage if I chose to go that route sir.”
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We got to wonder again how much of the furniture in these houses is staged vs how many normal folks shopped the same Pier 1 Imports sale back in 2002.
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We had not one but two ambiguously ethnic moms.
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Ben and the women FINALLY got to eat the food.
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And when all was said and done, nobody had the lady-stones to tell Ben they loved him.
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So much to process, let’s get it going.
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Grab some champaign and drink straight from the bottle (unless you’re reading this on the toilet?).

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And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long agoThe most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad.. .
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It was just time. Sad that it had to come after spending a day at the beach with little Kinsley and JCharlie. Would Amanda have won even if she hadn’t made babies with a Laguna Beach Douche bag?
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Who’s to say? But it just didn’t help her quest for foreverlove. It’s nothing personal, kids it’s just that Lauren B had this thing in the bag from night one. I hope Amanda is ok after all this. She handled herself with such grace at the end. Her parents seem totally lovely. Nothing against LA, I’ve spent weeks there, but I feel like Amanda needs to move to a sweeter city and find a nice church going man to love her and her two little girls. Are you telling me Boise wouldn’t flip out for a woman like Amanda? She seemed to hit it off with the people of WhereverBenIsFromIndiana. Maybe her future is waiting in an early 90’s lake house. Goodbye, Amanda. We’ll miss you. If you see a guy with a tribal tattoo wearing True Religion jeans and listening to 311, do not approach. 
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It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
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Becca goes home and my bachelor bracket is busted. She just didn’t have enough in the emotional tank. She’s like the foie gras I had on Valentines day: fancy but kinda bland.  And it’s a shame too that Becca didn’t cry in front of Ben because she’s kind of a pretty crier. Now is not the time to leave a weapon like that in the… place where weapons are stored. Gosh, that place needs a name. Maybe it has one and I just don’t know what it is because I wasn’t allowed to watch GI Joe or The A-Team. There will be those that wonder whether or not we’ve seen the last of Becca. I for one hope she gets back to being a chiropractic assistant…moving on.
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It all makes sense. Caila’s dad is a CEO of a toy factory. He looks like a child with some sort of disease that ages him. Is this a Josh Baskin in Big kind of a thing?
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Or maybe he and his wife couldn’t have children so he poured a bunch of sugar and toy parts into the machines in his giant factory and lightening struck at just the right moment. When the smoke cleared, there was little Caila. She feels like a toy trying to act like a real human. Back to dad. His pants were phenomenal. He spoke with the authority of a CEO but looked like a child actor all grown up. Like, he used to be adorable but age did what age does. Caila’s mom was a hurricane of enthusiasm and adult braces. One of my favorite moms in years. The only painful part of the date came when Caila whispered to both her parents that Ben is the one. This could end painfully. Will it be like The Electric Grandmother if Ben rejects Caila? Will that mean she’ll be forced to leave by helicopter? I don’t know if Electric Grandmother rules apply to all manufactured humans. (If you get that reference it means you also have seen the saddest movie ever made.)
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And just when you thought the episode was too saccharine sweet, Emily happened. America’s toes curled when we watched her precious moments unfold with Ben’s parents. Dreams of becoming an NFL cheerleader. She like movies. She likes ducks. She does not like vegetables. She has a tough time completing a sentence and the whole time she’s talking you just know that Ben’s parents are searching for polite ways to tell their son that they’d like Emily to be escorted off their property. But it’s not their fault. This is their son. And it’s not Emily’s fault. That’s just who she is. And the boat ride back. The silent boat ride back where we all knew she was toast but she thought she would be shopping for rings upon docking. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen boat ride that uncomfortable. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-16 at 1.26.51 PM.pngBut this isn’t the end for Emily. She’ll grow. She’ll change. She’ll take this experience and shape a life with it. I think Emily came a long way in her journey and she helped swing a lot of people in her favor. For that, she is a winner.   .
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Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
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Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
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Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
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Jennifer. She left without being giving a shot. And here’s the thing, it was kind of sad. All the girls in the house knew how great she is, and yet Olivia and Emily, and even crazy Leah were left standing with roses. Jennifer could be the one that got away for Ben. I could see him watching this back and kicking himself for letting her go. But don’t cry for Jennifer. She’ll step back into wherever she’s from and dominate the dating scene. Odds are she’s already married and pregnant by now. It’s what morals and low cut tops will get you. There. We learned something.
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I’m no fashion expert but I feel like JoJo has been making questionable decisions all season long. Last night we got to see the matching set of plunging gold necklace with bracelet/finger chain. Seeing JoJo’s family’s house made me feel vindicated. Big, gaudy, Dallas. Gosh dang that was a cast of characters. I don’t know if her mom is ethnic or just has a hard time speaking through all the lip fillers. There’s a real face in there somewhere but strange things have happened over the years. Her dad looks like most of the faces from Guess Who.
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Her oldest brother was either hearing impaired, drunk, or just punch-worthy. Her younger brother with the sweater looked like he either shaves his entire body or he’s got all the hair of a dolphin under there. He sat back all night sipping a water bottle, flexing his forearms, telling Ben he wasn’t good enough, and interrupting his own mother (WHO WAS DRINKING CHAMPAIGN STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE!!!!!!). It’s a wonder JoJo came out of that place with what seems like a fun personality. It’s also not a surprise that “Chad” her ex seems like a pretty emotionally abusive guy. Am I psychologist? No. But I was a Natural Helper in high school. Those skills make it easier to diagnose these types of things. They also got me out of World Civ a few times. I just felt like the entire evening at JoJo’s house was like when you sit down to eat a bag of peanuts and you’re excited about them and everything is going ok until you get to the one really gross peanut. You just kind of have to chew through the experience and it kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth. JoJo’s family is a gross peanut. If I were Ben I would run for the hills. I would also enjoy having a really high metabolism.

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Jubes was a fan favorite. So real, but so not suited to date the same guy as her 10 friends. Jubilee is like what would happen if any of you normal folks out there tried to go on the bachelor and took it seriously. You would charm because you are charming but ultimately it would be hard to kiss a guy when he tastes like whatever is coming out of Olivia’s mouth. We will miss Jubilee. She left an impression. And like Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, and my hairline, Jubilee left us too soon. Godspeed, friend. We will miss you. “Taps” – a trumpet
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I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
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LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
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I couldn’t be less surprised with Lauren’s family. Her dad looks like he’s never had to shave a day in his life. His face looks lamb soft and he has rosy cheeks you just wanna squeeze. He’s like the hummel figurine your grandma kept next to the hard candies. I’ll bet he smells like baby powder. Lauren’s mom was really pretty. Her sister looked like an older woman who had plastic surgery to look younger. Her oldest brother has a “face for theater…”notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat. I feel like it doesn’t get any whiter than Lauren’s family. The house, in the suburbs, of Portland. A lot of NCIS has been watched on that couch. There’s a picture of all of them standing in tall grass somewhere in that house and it’s framed. 100%. When her mom dances I’ll bet she claps her hands like the old hispanic lady making tortillas at every chain mexican restaurant. There are Lexus keys sitting on a Lands End catalog in the kitchen and so on and so forth. Ben loves Lauren. He cried just thinking about it. Lauren loves him right back. Why not tell him? Live boldly, you two! Who can’t see both their parents getting along famously at a California Pizza Kitchen?
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 It was just time. Lauren H is perfectly likable and she’ll be fine. She belongs on a soccer sideline in yoga pants and cute mittens. It’s what she wants. Still, she couldn’t escape the breakdown in the back of the SUV which surprised me. I would think Lauren H was prepared enough to not let that happen to her. I could see Lauren H trying to talk too much at the women tell all. I could also see her going on Bachelors in Paradise because she believes in finding love on TV a little too much.    .
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What the heck was that???? Leah just completely broke. This is dangerous stuff. It’s like when my fear of heights kicks in and I get worried I’ll just inexplicably lose control of my faculties and jump out of a high window. Have we ever seen such a desperate act on this show? And have we ever seen it carried out so poorly? It was like watching one of those cat videos where the little guy is perched on a ledge about to jump to the counter and you’re sitting there saying, “Oh no…don’t do it little guy…you’re not gonna make it.” Only when a cat falls it’s cute. Leah is like Hot Rod from the movie, Hot Rod. 
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Leah, the Women Tell All could be really embarrassing for you. Own up quickly. Apologize. And may God have mercy on your soul. 
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Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
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And just like that, it’s over. One of the most fascinating contestants this franchise has ever known, is gone. Taken out by a women her own age that Olivia referred to as someone she’d have to babysit. Just days prior Olivia stated her case for being different than the other woman by saying, “I like to talk smart things.” Olivia likes to read books. She likes politics and religion. She isn’t interested in things like doing her nails, or (catty alert!!!) tending to her blonde beard which came out of nowhere on that cold, damp island. I feel like Olivia is one of those people that invites you to something fun, like sailing. Only you get there and the music on the boat is really stuffy and instead of beer she has not enough wine, and the food is all whole grain and she demands you wear a life jacket which kills any chance at an even tan and no you can’t go swimming because water isn’t allowed on the surface of the boat but yes you’re invited to talk about the Arab Spring and if you ask her if she’s watching anything on Netlflix she says, “what’s that? I’m sorry, if it isn’t a play I haven’t seen it.” If you’re Olivia, what do you do now? Where do you go? My guess is she’ll probably be super annoying about learning a lot and growing. Maybe she’ll get a gig on The View or Fox and Friends. She’ll probably wear a sweater tied around her shoulders, and not ironically. I feel like Olivia could actually be cool if she went to like a summer therapy program where she could just be around normal patient people who could tell her to just stop it anytime she got annoying. The Women Tell All is gonna be something else. 
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Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
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It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
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She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
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We made it! And I don’t think I’m going to hell for anything I said! Next week looks EPIC. Mistakes. Questions. Things are said. This could be the first time a Bachelor tells TWO women he loves them. I can’t wait. Gonna do some crunches to get ready for beach(watching)bod season.

 

In foreverlove,

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