Week 9 – Double the Foreverlove

When I was 11 I went to the pantry and grabbed a little can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli. I then calmly walked down to the garage, opened the can, placed it on the ground, put a firecracker into it, lit the firecracker, and stood directly over it to see what would happen. At no point during any of these steps did I consider what would happen or that I was stupid. It was like my brain shut off and when I came too I was standing in the middle of my garage with ravioli all over my face and in my hair. Immediately I thought, “that was a bad idea.”
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Ben Higgins doesn’t have a can of ravioli or a firecracker. Ben Higgins has three women and a fantasy suite.
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What in the heck is he doing???!!!! Did his brain shut off for 3 days? Is he secretly evil? Bachelor Superfan Joe Gerlitz suggested on Facebook that Ben is Kaiser Soze.
He might be right. Or is Ben just a guy who’s painted himself into a corner only he’s too dumb to know what paint is?
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Whatever the case, Ben’s actions left me again, watching most of last night’s episode under my trusty throw blanket. Toes curled. Body in full cringe.
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But that’s the burden we accept when we agree to watch this show. It can’t just be about laps around a high school track in a convertible and hottubs in the middle of nowhere. This show cuts to the core.
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We should’ve seen it coming. Nothing good ever happens at Sandals Jamaica. Ask Jan Levinson.
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So grab an oaky chardonnay and hold tight to someone you love (unless you’re reading this on the toilet).
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And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long ago. The most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad. 
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It was just time. Sad that it had to come after spending a day at the beach with little Kinsley and JCharlie. Would Amanda have won even if she hadn’t made babies with a Laguna Beach Douche bag? 
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Who’s to say? But it just didn’t help her quest for foreverlove. It’s nothing personal, kids it’s just that Lauren B had this thing in the bag from night one. I hope Amanda is ok after all this. She handled herself with such grace at the end. Her parents seem totally lovely. Nothing against LA, I’ve spent weeks there, but I feel like Amanda needs to move to a sweeter city and find a nice church going man to love her and her two little girls. Are you telling me Boise wouldn’t flip out for a woman like Amanda? She seemed to hit it off with the people of WhereverBenIsFromIndiana. Maybe her future is waiting in an early 90’s lake house. Goodbye, Amanda. We’ll miss you. If you see a guy with a tribal tattoo wearing True Religion jeans and listening to 311, do not approach. 
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It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
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Becca goes home and my bachelor bracket is busted. She just didn’t have enough in the emotional tank. She’s like the foie gras I had on Valentines day: fancy but kinda bland.  And it’s a shame too that Becca didn’t cry in front of Ben because she’s kind of a pretty crier. Now is not the time to leave a weapon like that in the… place where weapons are stored. Gosh, that place needs a name. Maybe it has one and I just don’t know what it is because I wasn’t allowed to watch GI Joe or The A-Team. There will be those that wonder whether or not we’ve seen the last of Becca. I for one hope she gets back to being a chiropractic assistant…moving on.
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Uuuuuuugh. Caila’s jamacian journey began with the most awkward river adventure since Deliverance. Think of the poor river guide. He didn’t sign up for silence. That’s not why he got into the river guiding game. They stop and have some coconut water to make sure they stay regular while traveling internationally. And then it’s back to more awkward silence. Night time is the right time though, as Caila gets up the stones to tell Ben she loves him. He doesn’t say it back but they have a great night stand-up-kissing while fireworks blast in the distance. Yada yada yada, coffee on the veranda. It looks pretty great. But once you let Ben out of your sight he moves onto whatever’s next.
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“Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire my love is blind can’t you see my desire?” 
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I think what Miss Jackson (yeah, I’m nasty) is trying to say here is that Ben is attracted to shiny things. Caila’s great until he sees Lauren, who is amazing until he sees JoJo standing in a waterfall. I guess that’s the way love goes.
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Caila gets the idea (given to her by the producers) to surprise Ben but it is she who will be surprised. He dumps her on some beachy steps and she handles it all like a champion. She tries to compartmentalize but realizes it’s too painful. And it’s painful for us! Caila will be saying goodbye. The only question is whether she’ll have to return those colorful tank tops she bought at the resort gift shop.
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And just when you thought the episode was too saccharine sweet, Emily happened. America’s toes curled when we watched her precious moments unfold with Ben’s parents. Dreams of becoming an NFL cheerleader. She like movies. She likes ducks. She does not like vegetables. She has a tough time completing a sentence and the whole time she’s talking you just know that Ben’s parents are searching for polite ways to tell their son that they’d like Emily to be escorted off their property. But it’s not their fault. This is their son. And it’s not Emily’s fault. That’s just who she is. And the boat ride back. The silent boat ride back where we all knew she was toast but she thought she would be shopping for rings upon docking. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen boat ride that uncomfortable. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-16 at 1.26.51 PM.pngBut this isn’t the end for Emily. She’ll grow. She’ll change. She’ll take this experience and shape a life with it. I think Emily came a long way in her journey and she helped swing a lot of people in her favor. For that, she is a winner.   
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Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
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Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
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Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
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Jennifer. She left without being giving a shot. And here’s the thing, it was kind of sad. All the girls in the house knew how great she is, and yet Olivia and Emily, and even crazy Leah were left standing with roses. Jennifer could be the one that got away for Ben. I could see him watching this back and kicking himself for letting her go. But don’t cry for Jennifer. She’ll step back into wherever she’s from and dominate the dating scene. Odds are she’s already married and pregnant by now. It’s what morals and low cut tops will get you. There. We learned something.
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Shiny object number #2 runs onto the scene and jumps into Ben’s arms, lips puckered up and everything. And I just…I can’t understand how he could greet her with anything more than a hand shake, or maybe a top gun high 5 after spending the night with Lauren. But I guess that is the reason I’m writing about this show and not staring in it. That and carbohydrates. JoJo looks at home in a waterfall and that might be what Ben is loving. They are tender mammaries.Memories is what they are making. Memories.
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JoJo tells Ben she loves him and he returns the sentiment. She’s so caught off guard it’s actually pretty adorable. You can see her brain start shopping for china before she can get any words out. And it’s gut wrenching because this is literally the happiest moment of a person’s life we’re witnessing and we know it’s all meaningless. Even if Ben picks JoJo in the end, she’ll know that his love doesn’t mean anything.
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The two of them go off and have a wonderful time in the fantasy suit because that’s what Ben does best. Later at the rose ceremony, JoJo is full of confidence and it’s just ridiculous to watch. She gives a toast and then takes part in one of the most awkward TV hugs of all time. What are her brothers thinking as they watch this latest episode back in Dallas? Probably, “Heck yeah, Make America Great Again. High five bro!”
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Jubes was a fan favorite. So real, but so not suited to date the same guy as her 10 friends. Jubilee is like what would happen if any of you normal folks out there tried to go on the bachelor and took it seriously. You would charm because you are charming but ultimately it would be hard to kiss a guy when he tastes like whatever is coming out of Olivia’s mouth. We will miss Jubilee. She left an impression. And like Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, and my hairline, Jubilee left us too soon. Godspeed, friend. We will miss you. “Taps” – a trumpet
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I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
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LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
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Gosh dang it. She finally gets up the nerve to tell Ben she loves him and he tells her back and we can all live in happy bliss for like what, 8 minutes? I mean, they prayed for turtles together!!!! That means something. It’s so obvious that these two are great together but Ben is strangely right about something very important—that Lauren is too good for him. Sidenote. Lauren walks like a german shepherd with bad hips. Or like she’s 8 months pregnant. Can we get her some more orthopedic shoes? You know, the beige kind with the velcro straps?
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It was just time. Lauren H is perfectly likable and she’ll be fine. She belongs on a soccer sideline in yoga pants and cute mittens. It’s what she wants. Still, she couldn’t escape the breakdown in the back of the SUV which surprised me. I would think Lauren H was prepared enough to not let that happen to her. I could see Lauren H trying to talk too much at the women tell all. I could also see her going on Bachelors in Paradise because she believes in finding love on TV a little too much.   
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What the heck was that???? Leah just completely broke. This is dangerous stuff. It’s like when my fear of heights kicks in and I get worried I’ll just inexplicably lose control of my faculties and jump out of a high window. Have we ever seen such a desperate act on this show? And have we ever seen it carried out so poorly? It was like watching one of those cat videos where the little guy is perched on a ledge about to jump to the counter and you’re sitting there saying, “Oh no…don’t do it little guy…you’re not gonna make it.” Only when a cat falls it’s cute. Leah is like Hot Rod from the movie, Hot Rod. 
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Leah, the Women Tell All could be really embarrassing for you. Own up quickly. Apologize. And may God have mercy on your soul. 
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Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
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And just like that, it’s over. One of the most fascinating contestants this franchise has ever known, is gone. Taken out by a women her own age that Olivia referred to as someone she’d have to babysit. Just days prior Olivia stated her case for being different than the other woman by saying, “I like to talk smart things.” Olivia likes to read books. She likes politics and religion. She isn’t interested in things like doing her nails, or (catty alert!!!) tending to her blonde beard which came out of nowhere on that cold, damp island. I feel like Olivia is one of those people that invites you to something fun, like sailing. Only you get there and the music on the boat is really stuffy and instead of beer she has not enough wine, and the food is all whole grain and she demands you wear a life jacket which kills any chance at an even tan and no you can’t go swimming because water isn’t allowed on the surface of the boat but yes you’re invited to talk about the Arab Spring and if you ask her if she’s watching anything on Netlflix she says, “what’s that? I’m sorry, if it isn’t a play I haven’t seen it.” If you’re Olivia, what do you do now? Where do you go? My guess is she’ll probably be super annoying about learning a lot and growing. Maybe she’ll get a gig on The View or Fox and Friends. She’ll probably wear a sweater tied around her shoulders, and not ironically. I feel like Olivia could actually be cool if she went to like a summer therapy program where she could just be around normal patient people who could tell her to just stop it anytime she got annoying. The Women Tell All is gonna be something else. 
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Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
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It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
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She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
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What the heck is gonna happen? I have no idea. The women tell all should be really interesting. On top of all this telling two women you love them stuff, we get to see how Lace is doing and if Olivia has learned anything from the show. I’m going to walk down to the market and stare out into Puget Sound for answers. See you next Tuesday.
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Foreverlove,
– Graeme

 

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