With this being sort of a non-episode, I will touch on the high(low) points and we’ll get back to serious biz next week. That doesn’t mean you can’t cuddle up with a springtime throw blanket and a fruity chardonnay (unless you’re reading this on the toilet).

Onward.

While there weren’t any big bombshells dropped, some of women told more than we cared to know and yes we’re looking at you, Jamie—this year’s back-row-chatter-box-who-we-don’t-really-care-about. If you left the show before it got interesting, just sit there and look chesty. You got to wear a revealing dress and hang out on a television stage with flattering lighting for a night. I bet you got to go through a cool backstage door with an official lanyard. I bet there were free snacks in the green room. Just appreciate the cold cuts and let Lace talk in the third person without interrupting her.

Humility is an interesting thing. Some people are blind to it. I go to salsa dance classes with my wife every week to stay grounded. So horribly grounded.

Judging by Olivia’s performance last night I’d say she does not go to salsa dance classes with my wife every week. After watching the show back, Olivia came to the set last night thinking she was the victim. Like the show was titled “Olivia, With the Bachelor Ben Higgins.” What has she done to correct her breath problems? She talked about walking into rooms as a child and things getting quiet. I don’t want to downplay bullying because bullying is the worst but is there a chance the kids got quiet for Olivia because she was calling them out on the playground or using them as pawns to get better cafeteria privileges?

I’m curious to see what’s next for Olivia. Will she fade into the wind like a fart before you get onto the bus? Or will she write a book about being bullied where she says things like, “All the fat girls in 4th grade were just jealous of my pretty eyes. When they weren’t chugging down the chocolate milk they would just sit there and not tell me how amazing I was. And that really hurt. But it gets better, kids #blessed.”

Quick hits:

Emily was slightly outraged and probably confused by a lot of things.

Lace was perfectly Lace. I imagine it’s hard to be Facebook friends with her. That she posts a lot of inspirational quotes with scenery backgrounds.

I wish Leah was called out more for lying. She was strange all night. Reminds me of another blonde who has trouble deciphering human emotions and signals.

Caila carries herself so well. But again, the way she interacts is really unique. It’s like she pauses after being asked a question to compute the perfect answer and then delivers it flawlessly. She’s like a really old computer that takes awhile to load an answer. Or like if you’re talking on the phone to a genius overseas and there’s that second and a half delay. Caila is like those things with a pretty face and a need to make out.

Jubilee was called out for some stuff but it was pretty dumb. She’s one of a kind. I hope she finds somebody who will fit with her.

Ben did well. He wasn’t grilled too hard on telling two women he loves them. I think it’s because Chris Harrison is trying to maintain Ben’s standing as a Bachelor legend. We’ll see how America feels about Ben next week.

And that’s it. We are now fully prepared for whatever happens next week. Ben on a bathroom floor. Tears. Helicopters. Phone calls. He sounds happy about it all. Will the airing of the show do anything to change his lover’s mind? Tune in.

Yours in foreverlove,

Graeme