Week 1- The Death of the Beard

The Bachelorette makes PBS look like a Real House Wives Of. It is the most important thing on television, ever. Don’t believe me? Since Ben and Lauren’s After the Rose, Donald Trump has (basically) won the republican nomination. This country needs to learn how to love again and that only happens when men and women are awkwardly dancing at private concerts from musicians none of us have heard of.
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Thank you Chris Harrison, for saving us from ourselves.
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Hey everybody, look! JoJo is back and she’s staring at flowers. Now she’s in a bikini, walking on a beach alone for no reason. The formula is in full effect and we couldn’t be happier. From there it’s onto a few couches for some sage advice. Caitlyn, Dez, and Ali are back and the wisdom is flowing like water with lemon (preggo alert).
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JoJo picks out her bustiest early 00’s princess dress and we’re off!
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Because there are so many guys at this point, we’ll go rapid fire with limo entrances and random thoughts.
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To the men!
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It’s clear from the jump that douche comes in every flavor, as long as that flavor has a manicured beard and a high side part.
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What are the creators of beards thinking while looking down from Valhalla at these sensitive guys. Beards come from three things. 1) Building an Ark  2) Pillaging  3)Tapping maple syrup from trees. These bachelors have to be the most nervous bunch of pansies the show has ever seen. Beards are a privilege, not a right.
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We meet Luke, a texan who for no good reason leans against a small barn. It’s like the show’s producers have stopped trying to convince us of anything anymore. It’s just straight posing now. At least we can thank them for their honesty.
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THE LIMOS
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Jordan is first out of the limo. He has a famous brother and a high side part that goes all the way to 11. Jordan immidiatly mansplains to JoJo how this whole thing is going to work out. We’re off to a great start.
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Derrick’s up next. He sets the pace for a long line of really nervous guys. Also, he’s a banker with all the charisma of a banker.
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Grant is a firefighter. I feel like if he’d been born in shakespearean times he’d have no problems getting gigs as the ladies in plays.
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James f. owns a boxing gym. He also thinks black and red is a good combination for a suit. This is not my 1996 prom, James F.
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Robby is a former competitive swimmer. That is not a job. He brings a bottle of wine with him and he is not wearing socks. His hair looks like it may’ve suffered from too much chlorine.
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Alex is a marine. He looks like a little person but he’s normal height. Jojo comforts him which means she sees Alex as a puppy.
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Will friendzones himself with a bad joke. He will later cement his standing with a really bad kiss. Watching at home last night must’ve been rough. I bet he gets a lot of encouraging emails this morning and eats lunch by himself in the parking lot. He’s got some thinking to do.
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Chad does real estate. He’s probably the most nervous guy yet and it’s worse because he’s trying to play it cool. We hear more from Chad throughout the night about how manly he is. Really, he’s the group fun sponge. Just sucks the fun out of any room he enters. He’s also the obvious villain which is doubly awkward because you get the sense he’s making up for being bullied in his life. There’s no way this guy was cool in middle school. He seems like a guy who practices smoldering looks in the mirror. I doubt he tips waiters.
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Daniel is as Canadian as Canadian gets. And I can say that as a half Canadian. He covers his nervousness by going in for multiple side hugs. Later he’ll painfully reference dated viral videos. More on Daniel below.
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Ali. He gets out of the limo and waves at JoJo like a 2 and a half year old waves at strangers in a Costco. “Hi! I’m this many!”
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James Taylor is a really nervous songwriter with a beard.
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Jonathan is our second Canadian but the first to wear a kilt. He makes a joke about being half Chinese,half Scottish and that the Scottish is below the waist. Does that mean he has red pubic hair? Sadly we won’t get to know because he doesn’t get a rose.
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Saint Nick. I think the santa get up is a first and Nick pulls it off! Later he will take the beard and hat off and I think he’s sort of handsome. We’ll see.
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Some dude pairs mustache glasses with bad puns. He’s in the mansion before we get his name.
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Jake is a boring architect.
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Sal has blue balls.
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Coley is straight up terrible. He’s the William Hung of the group and he looks like his mom dressed him. We’ll come to learn that he has three nephews that call him Uncle Colo which he tells JoJo, “rhymes with JoJo.” Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
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There’s a hipster. Did he tell producers he’s a hipster? Is that how they labeled him? Either way it’s unfortunate. He’s got high school chest hair. Like, the kind that’s sort of fun at the time but flash forward to your senior in college and you can’t wear wife beaters anymore because the stuff has spread in every direction.
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James S. is a super fan. Now, I write a bachelor blog. My wife and I fill out brackets. I can’t throw stones but neither can James because he doesn’t appear to have any. (balls joke)
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Nick S does the splits and then gets awesomely waisted. He crashes JoJo’s interview, making her scoot over so he can sit down. It’s incredible. We need more Nick S. We do not get any because I think he went home. 😦
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Vinny’s up next. He’s a barber with Dumb and Dumber hair. I look at Vinny and I think of when cheddar cheese is left out in the open too long and gets kind of damp.
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Evan. Oh boy. Just. Ok. Evan is an effeminate former pastor who now works with penises. His rose acceptance looked like something Sean Hayes would’ve done on Will and Grace. Watching this back could be powerful for Evan. Can you come out to yourself?
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Wells is a radio DJ who brings the band, All For One. They were available.
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We hear a motorcycle and JoJo gets excited because she likes bad boys and terrible decisions but the helmet comes off and Christian emerges. Is there such a thing as bad boy disappointment? JoJo captures her feelings perfectly saying, “The motorcycle is hot.” There’s a spectrum of badboy where if you’re bad boy enough the motorcycle takes you over the top but if you aren’t it makes you look even less bad by comparison. Science.
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Luke rides in on a unicorn, playing off of JoJo’s bit from her entrance. It’s brilliant stuff and it’s clear she likes Luke off the bat. He gives her boots. She like the boots. He hits her with some Christian catchphrases and they land. Luke could be here for a while.
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QUICK THOUGHTS
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Jordan has the confidence of a former pro quarterback and he’s a master at purposeful touching. We learn that he has a job in media which is fantastic for any bachelorette as it can further a career in hosting segments on Entertainment Tonight type shows. Do people still watch that? Back to Jordan. He erases Will’s bad kiss and it gets him the first impression rose. It looks like Jordan will be king douche and that’s saying something with this year’s crop of guys.
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Booze is flowing conversations are not.
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One of the Canadians is poking belly buttons. He has a really short tie and D- bodybuilding poses. In a move that surprises nobody, he’s wearing tiny underwear and he jumps into the pool.
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Vinny is hammered but not the fun kind of hammered. He looks like a guy that would burry a person alive and not remember it in the morning.
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Chad builds his character as the villain. Somewhere in Dallas right now there are two dudes talking about Memorial Day and how they really don’t want to hang out with Chad but he’s the only guy they know with a boat.
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ROSE CEREMONY
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Jake Pavelka flies in for a fake bring-back. He tries to offer advice but it’s what, 5 in the morning? Jojo just wants a nap.
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Luke gets the second place rose.
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Grant’s ladyface is catching the light in a way that makes me wonder if he’s gotten a chin implant.
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There’s a guy named Chase?
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The hipster gets a rose?
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Vinny goes even darker.
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Evan receives his rose and is like the Anne Hathaway getting an oscar. Some of the guys eye each other with “did you just see that?” looks. Yes, we did just see that.
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And finally, Daniel gets the most obvious producer pick in franchise history. Sad because it suggests the show isn’t 100% authentic. Happy because he’s a train wreck.
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I think we’re in for a solid season. It’s good news if you typically skip the Bachelorette because you prefer watching 20 women cat fight for 10 weeks. That’s exactly what we’re gonna get here.
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Pics to come next week when things start getting real.

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