Week 3 part 2 – Don’t think I won’t find you

Sometimes life is like a Denny’s milkshake. It’s delicious AND it comes with a tin full of even more shake. That’s how we’re living, people, with back to back eps of our favorite mancat fight. And no, I’m not talking anything like…
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I’m talking about,
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Dude: Chad, can you pass the weights?
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Chad: No but I can pass the thunder because after the show I’m going to google your address, then ask my boss for time off, wait for it to get approved, research plane tickets, not commit to anything because nobody buys the first plane ticket they see, pick outfits, finally buy the plane ticket, look for other things to do in your town while I’m there, make sure I have all my prescription medications filled up for the few days I’ll be in your city, google whether you can get an Uber in Tulsa at 4:00am for my airport ride, go through TSA, count the calories in a Starbucks lemon cake, whistle the same song while sitting at the gate, fly, land, look for the shuttle to the rental car place, stand in a really long line, go to my hotel because I’m tired, lay in the bed and try to get acquainted with the local channels, google restaurants in the area, eat alone, drive back to the hotel, pay too much for a movie on the hotel’s pay-per-view, sleep, wake up, look at my flat hair cut in the mirror, and drive to your house.
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What else?
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Pittsburgh!!!! Think of how excited all those steel workers are that their city is thought of as a destination and that it was The Bachelorette that got them that status.
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Not to brag but I too have spent a lot of time playing All-time QB. You probably couldn’t tell by reading this blog but I’ve got a silky smooth release.
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Anybody else notice the headbands? I don’t think the Steelers provided them because they were super wide and I swear Evan’s had sequins. Speaking of, if I have time at lunch today I’ll start a new blog called http://www.evaninaheadband.com.
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Hats off to the producers for sending Chad, Alex, and JoJo out into the backwoods of Pennsylvania on a depressingly cloudy day. That looked like the setting for the new True Detective. Nothing positive has happened in those woods.
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Let’s cut it off there and take a look at how our guys did. And remember the key, guys just voted off are blue because they are sad :( and guys that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 
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Onto the meat.
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Winner of the saddest 2 on 1 in history. Alex has to feel 5 feet tall (that’s high for him) after taking down the house bully. We’ll see if he lives to talk about it.
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We lost a few good Ali’s this week. It was just a matter of time for the smiling V-neck above. But Ali doesn’t leave without getting anything. The world knows he can play piano and he got a free trip to Pittsburgh. We wish you all the luck in the world, sweet, tender, Ali. 
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Goliath is slain! Chad continued to answer questions with threats of violence but it’s hard to tell just what was going on. The guys did seem to pick at him and yet, something inside me thinks Chad might be, just might be, a little unstable. He’s gone, kind of, but will never be forgotten. In just 3 weeks, Chad became one of the most fascinating people to be on this show and he’s certainly a great argument for having an MTV-like “The Challenge” where old cast members battle each other in crazy physical challenges for fortune and fame. Who wouldn’t watch Chad and some other meathead from seasons past go at each other with pugil sticks? Chad is like the kind of movies you instantly want to research after seeing them. He’s like Bridge of Spies only he’s 275 pounds of walking nightmare. It’s weird to not condone bullying but also being bummed that Chad won’t be on the show anymore. Looks like we’ll get one last glimpse in two weeks. After that, it’s back to peace. 
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Chase is moderately good at football and we learned that he’s jumped up near the top of JoJo’s big board. Does he have enough personality to keep this thing going? Keep Chaseing that dream. #wordplay
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Christian came. Christian went. It just wasn’t meant to be but he seems like a super nice fella and I’ll bet he goes on to have a perfectly normal life with a super nice lady. He was on the show just long enough where people will give him second glances in public for the next few weeks and he’ll wonder how to react to them. I think he’s one deep run on Bachelors in Paradise away from a hosting gig on E! Go get em, Christian.
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Derek is sensitive because he doesn’t want to be murdered in his sleep.
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This guy. I’ve totally come around on him. His naked prank on Evan during the credits last night was masterful. He just brings a unique kind of fun to things. There’s no chance he’ll win and I doubt he’ll ever kiss JoJo but it’s great having him around. With high school yearbook singing season in full swing I say to Daniel, “Don’t change” – Graeme Hanson
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I mean, come on. Evan is precious. My wife wondered if he was cast on Project Runway and just showed up to the wrong studio but nobody’s told him otherwise and he keeps wondering when they’ll get to designing clothes. Evan wearing one eye black. He’s like a slight, more delicate, lily white Lisa Left Eye Lopes RIP.
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Evan is the kind of guy that sleeps in really high thread count sheets because anything under 1000 is just really rough on his skin. He’s the guy that schedules meetings with HR to talk about people leaving dishes in the office sink. He doesn’t like to drive on the freeway. There is nothing wrong with any of that stuff. But man, it makes you kind of tilt your head, look at him and just wonder. It’s like looking at the stars on a warm summer’s eve.
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Grant called out Chad and now he’s on Chad’s post-show travel list. Chin up, Grant. Literally. Your chin is your greatest defense.
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That was one of the craftiest ways of not having to get into a bathing suit next to 15 buff guys for an hours-long pool party. Hats off to James for wearing his suit in the water. Apart from that he didn’t do much, save for his James on James violence—giving the nicest man on the planet a bloody eye. James needs to step up his mack and get to frenching if he wants to stick around.
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He was bloodied but kept going. Is there anything James Taylor can’t do? Yes. Dance. JoJo referred to James as the nicest man on the planet which is a good thing but coming from JoJo it probably means he won’t be around very long. She just isn’t into nice. And it was evidenced when she said on multiple occasions that she wanted to leave the drama behind. That’s a classic thing drama lovers say. Ask the Nard Dog.
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Is this another Lauren B situation where we have a wire-to-wire winner? JoJo is waaaaaaaaay into Jordan. You can tell by the way she straddles her legs around him despite only talking to him for a collective 45 minutes. I feel like they’re grasping at straws to keep  Jordan hidden a bit. But we’re all onto them. If Jordan can survive Chad’s post-show visit, he could be engaged for at least 6 months before the break up.
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Is Luke an actual GQ model or is that just how JoJo referred to him? He’s got final two written all over him and it was funny last night when he was trying to start a conversation and JoJo just went in for the make out. I think in her mind she was thinking there was a limited time to get frisky with a guy she’s super attracted to and she wasn’t going to waste it. Luke actually sounds like he’s had an interesting story. Too bad it’s hidden under a Macklemore haircut. Oh, show fan and friend of mine, Norene pointed out that Luke could use a little of Grant’s chin. Look at him above and you’ll see she’s totally right.
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Sad Santa, Sadnta goes home. Nick will be fine, though. He seems like a nice guy and he’s an electrical engineer. I swear electrical engineers always have nice families and he can probably afford a sweet house, especially where he lives in Florida. You’re a good man, Nick B. 
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Robby is like the worst of Jordan and Chase rolled into one. He’s really trying with the high side part but his hairline is fighting him at every turn. My wife pointed out that it looks like he’s wearing a hat that’s way too small.
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Vinny played a little football in his life so he’s got that going for him. Somehow he continues but it looks like the tears start flowing in the next show. I…I can’t write any more. I’m just staring at Vinny’s hair. There, I said it.
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Wells is the voice of reason. He’s also the reason his team lost the flag football game. I thought Wells was going to cry in the locker room. Goes to show he’s really putting his heart and soul into this thing. The guy’s lovable but he’s just not enough for JoJo. She isn’t into reason.
Which leads us to our conclusion and something to ponder in the two weeks before the next show. So far, I’d say JoJo is kind of an afterthought. She’s like a cracker sitting next to some delicious brie—she’s a flavor carrier but alone you barely notice her. We’re all in this thing for the cheese and I can’t remember another season like this. Chris Soules is close but he had an identity. He was a farmer that couldn’t talk. Now I’m hungry.
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Until next time, foreverlove each other unless somebody asks you a question or addresses you in any way in which case, punch them.
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