Week 4 – Filling the Chad Hole

The giant is slain, slayed? slain. But that doesn’t mean he’s going home quietly. Would there be violence back with the cabin boys? We had to wait two hole weeks (and a day for me) to find out.
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Quick political question because, tis the season: There are cake makers who refuse to bake cakes for gay weddings. Are their cake makers who refuse to bake cakes for bachelorette celebrations?
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Thank the heavens not a hair on Jordan’s head was hurt. That thing is holding the Universe together. All we got was an overly firm handshake, some nonsense, and a demand for payment regarding a torn t-shirt.
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Chad goes home but there are other Chads to take his place. Do they come together and fight evil? I doubt it.
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Now, I am loving this season but let’s be honest, we’ve all seen it before, in a time when we only had one tv in the house and our moms held control of the remote.
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The sensitivity of these men is just really really special. Surely there has to be something on the man spectrum between, Point A—reading gossip magazines and Point Z—threatening violence and whistling the same tune in some creepy woods.
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These guys had grandfathers who stormed beaches and jumped out of airplanes (please don’t tell my grandpa that I write a blog about the Bachelorette).
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One last thing before we get to the guys. The manicured beards and hair on this show are getting dangerously close to full Evigan.
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It’s a warning for all of us.
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Watching this show is like flipping through the 1988 lookbook in a Fantastic Sam’s waiting area.
Let’s get to the fellas. And remember the key, guys just voted off are blue because they are sad :( and guys that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 
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This is the face of short man syndrome. They should put this up as a poster in middle schools to make the children aware. Alex spends the entire episode begging for affirmation by complaining about Derrick wanting to be validated. Can Alex not see what he’s doing? Is it because what he’s doing is on a moderately high shelf? (short joke) Alex is one of those guys that thinks he’s the hero but really he’s the villain, and not in a fun Breaking Bad kind of way. More in a, “gosh I don’t want to invite Alex but if we don’t he’s gonna cry about it for like a month which is worse than annoying us for a weekend” kind of way.

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We lost a few good Ali’s this week. It was just a matter of time for the smiling V-neck above. But Ali doesn’t leave without getting anything. The world knows he can play piano and he got a free trip to Pittsburgh. We wish you all the luck in the world, sweet, tender, Ali. 
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UPDATE: Chad left but he didn’t really but then he did. I’ll be he ate bad smelling meat on the flight home and when his seat mate made a disputed face, Chad asked for his address and threatened to follow the man home and beat him up. 
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Goliath is slain! Chad continued to answer questions with threats of violence but it’s hard to tell just what was going on. The guys did seem to pick at him and yet, something inside me thinks Chad might be, just might be, a little unstable. He’s gone, kind of, but will never be forgotten. In just 3 weeks, Chad became one of the most fascinating people to be on this show and he’s certainly a great argument for having an MTV-like “The Challenge” where old cast members battle each other in crazy physical challenges for fortune and fame. Who wouldn’t watch Chad and some other meathead from seasons past go at each other with pugil sticks? Chad is like the kind of movies you instantly want to research after seeing them. He’s like Bridge of Spies only he’s 275 pounds of walking nightmare. It’s weird to not condone bullying but also being bummed that Chad won’t be on the show anymore. Looks like we’ll get one last glimpse in two weeks. After that, it’s back to peace. 
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Chase gets the second rose at the ceremony, clearly telling us he’s below Jordan and Luke in the pecking order. He’s still in the running for the fantasy suite. I don’t think he’s got the charisma to be the next bachelor. I could see him underwhelming at Bachelors in Paradise. Stay tuned.
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Christian came. Christian went. It just wasn’t meant to be but he seems like a super nice fella and I’ll bet he goes on to have a perfectly normal life with a super nice lady. He was on the show just long enough where people will give him second glances in public for the next few weeks and he’ll wonder how to react to them. I think he’s one deep run on Bachelors in Paradise away from a hosting gig on E! Go get em, Christian.
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All of a sudden, Derek is deemed the sensitive one. In this house that is really saying something. He mentions to JoJo that he’s kind of losing feelings because ya know, he’s only had 3 conversations with her in the past month, and the guys, lead by Alex jump all over him for it. This show is nuts.
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Noo! Daniel goes home and, true to this season, he lacks self awareness telling the world that he lost because he lacked personality. Daniel has personality for DAYS! This guy was all over the place but he was fun and at times, even wise. I would love to watch Daniel travel the world and try to make sense out of other cultures. I feel like he’s totally charming in a way that you wouldn’t want to set him up with your sister. I want to be friends with someone who is friends with Daniel, just for the stories. That feels like the appropriate level of separation. This guy BELONGS on Bachelors in Paradise. He’s got me typing in ALL CAPS! We will miss you, man. Hope to see you again soon with a terrible microphone necklace on the beaches of Mexico. 
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I mean…We’re here to make sense of this show and maybe have a little fun along the way. Evan is just too easy a target. No other guy has me watching with my arms waving like Evan. When he’s on screen I am talking to my TV. I’m looking at my wife to make sure she saw and heard what i just did. A big part of me wants to write a thousand words about Evan’s hair, his goatee, his job, his jewelry and on and on. But, a bigger part of me wants to take the guy under my wing, give him a hug, and tell him it’s all gonna be alright. I imagine people hanging out with Evan kind of get through it and then have to go sit somewhere and look into the distance to just let everything sink in. Like, you grab coffee with Evan and then after you drop him off you have to go to a different coffee shop and sit there for a second. And that’s a lot of caffeine. The guy seems lost and I hope he finds whatever it is he’s looking for. I hope he has pals at the penis clinic who will grab a bite with him at lunch. I think of Evan and I’m reminded of Andy Samberg in my favorite scene of the hit film, That’s My Boy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t-ljfykXzM

He wants to be a part of things but he’s a little late and a little off. And I bet grandmothers boo him. 😦

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Grant goes home and is nice on the way out. Man, these guys are brutal and then they save all the normal emotions until the end, making it impossible to make fun of them. Grant will be fine. He’s a firefighter with the chin of 10 men. 
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James F. reveals some poetry because of course this season’s boxing gym owner is also gonna be a friggin poet. It’s not great and not enough to keep him around. On the plus side, if you stare at James’s hairline it’s a beautiful M. Bye James F. You were nice.
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James Taylor hangs on in the episode where JoJo reinforces that she wants a nice guy. Time will tell if she wants a nice guy or just wants to want a nice guy. Keep strumming, James.
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Jordan is accused of cheating. Did he cheat? I don’t know. Is the girl JoJo met a reliable source? I can’t say for sure. It seems like you threw a bunch of side part and fake boobs into a blender and the truth kind of got murky. Still, while it probably won’t end well, Jordan seems like the best match for JoJo. He just isn’t very likable. Although, the kiss on the other side of the wall from the guys was pretty sweet. I’d high five him for that move if we were ever buying leather jackets from the same place or something.
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Luke is holding onto second place like a champ. He didn’t do much this episode but he didn’t have to. I don’t think he really ever does. Just keep the eyebrows low and the makeout strong.
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Sad Santa, Sadnta goes home. Nick will be fine, though. He seems like a nice guy and he’s an electrical engineer. I swear electrical engineers always have nice families and he can probably afford a sweet house, especially where he lives in Florida. You’re a good man, Nick B. 
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Robby needs to slow down. He’s already told JoJo that he loves her. Of course, they did jump off a moderately high cliff which she then tells us means she can trust him for life. This guy is one cross earring and a guitar away from being JoJo’s father figure….
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Again, a guy that goes down and is kind of adorable doing it. I’d love to tell you that Vinny is a straight shooter…that he’s on the level….that he’s the ruler of south florida, but those would be more hairline jokes and i just can’t make them after seeing the guy tear up like that with his delicate bracelet kind of dangling on top of his shirt cuff. I hope Vinny finds a nice girl that appreciates all that he is. And I’m kind of stoked for him that he got on this show. It’s a big deal and something tells me he could use a big deal. Best of luck, vin. 
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Wells does Wells things again, acting as the voice of reason in all situations. He’s the most normal, most charming guy on the show but I just don’t think that’s what JoJo is after. Small thing about Wells. Did it look like he washed his face with poison ivy? Did he catch pink eye in Uruguay? Something was up with his eyes. And again, it’s ironic that the one guy remaining who isn’t blind to the ridiculousness of these guys, is the one guy who has pink eye.
The Bachelorette is bigger than logic. Gosh, I feel like I’ve just had coffee with Evan. I need to go stare at something far away for a while.
Until next time, foreverlove each other and remember not to point out the spec in another’s eye before looking at the plank in your own. Biblical.
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