Week 5 – Bad besos.

After two weeks in europe, I’m back. Fought through severe jet lag and watched the most recent episode on Hulu. I’ll do my best to quickly recap before we get another episode tonight!
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First though, I’d like to reassure my friends that unlike the last time I was in Europe in 2000, I have not returned wearing tight jeans and a scarf. And I don’t need to get all my pictures developed at Safeway and then organize them into a leather bound album.
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Now that that’s done. Let’s talk Bachelorette.
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We’re in Argentina which is not the place to feel any stress. It’s too hot. There’s already constant sweat. You can’t shower away the awkwardness of a looming first kiss. This brought back memories of doing all I could to avoid making out in high school because I was basically a middle part with zero game.
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You can’t compete with community college guys. They know everything. They drive cars with tinted windows and they have Kicker 10’s in the trunk.
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What else.
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We got to see what happens when a one on one date goes poorly. JoJo attends a show by herself and isn’t sure whether she’s supposed to have fun or look sad.
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We had another two on Juan (spanish language joke) where an overconfident guy went home after professing his feelings to JoJo. Side parts 1, funny ears 0.
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It was also amazing to see Derek in the limo telling himself, “Don’t cry” while cutting back to that woman sining “Don’t cry for me Argentina”. Once again the editors have displayed a level of nuance and subtlety only seen in a Guy Fieri dish.
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And the nice guy finishes last…but still gets a rose. .

With that, let’s dig slightly deeper and see how the guys did. And remember the key, guys just voted off are blue because they are sad :( and guys that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 
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Not a lot from Alex this week. He’s changed the part in his hair and it’s getting more aggressive. It’s like how when women get together they all start having their periods at the same time. All the guys on this season are getting the same, really tall side part. In Alex’s case that gives him a few extra inches which is great until JoJo sees him after swimming and his hair is flat. Does Alex wear lifts in his aqua sox?

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We lost a few good Ali’s this week. It was just a matter of time for the smiling V-neck above. But Ali doesn’t leave without getting anything. The world knows he can play piano and he got a free trip to Pittsburgh. We wish you all the luck in the world, sweet, tender, Ali. 
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UPDATE: Chad left but he didn’t really but then he did. I’ll be he ate bad smelling meat on the flight home and when his seat mate made a disputed face, Chad asked for his address and threatened to follow the man home and beat him up. 
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Goliath is slain! Chad continued to answer questions with threats of violence but it’s hard to tell just what was going on. The guys did seem to pick at him and yet, something inside me thinks Chad might be, just might be, a little unstable. He’s gone, kind of, but will never be forgotten. In just 3 weeks, Chad became one of the most fascinating people to be on this show and he’s certainly a great argument for having an MTV-like “The Challenge” where old cast members battle each other in crazy physical challenges for fortune and fame. Who wouldn’t watch Chad and some other meathead from seasons past go at each other with pugil sticks? Chad is like the kind of movies you instantly want to research after seeing them. He’s like Bridge of Spies only he’s 275 pounds of walking nightmare. It’s weird to not condone bullying but also being bummed that Chad won’t be on the show anymore. Looks like we’ll get one last glimpse in two weeks. After that, it’s back to peace. 
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Chase beats Derrik in the tango’iest 2 on 1 we’ve ever seen. After he “opens up” and “reveals his personality” it’s clear that JoJo is keeping him around because of his looks. I’m seeing Chase as a 3rd place contender and I’ll bet his family is super vanilla.
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Christian came. Christian went. It just wasn’t meant to be but he seems like a super nice fella and I’ll bet he goes on to have a perfectly normal life with a super nice lady. He was on the show just long enough where people will give him second glances in public for the next few weeks and he’ll wonder how to react to them. I think he’s one deep run on Bachelors in Paradise away from a hosting gig on E! Go get em, Christian.
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There’s something strange about Derek. I feel like he threw some temper tantrums growing up. Like, you’d go to his house to play nintendo and he’d make you watch him play. You’d never get a turn. He’d have great snacks but he wouldn’t share. I feel like Derek owns the movie Dirty Dancing on blueray. Now, he’ll have plenty of time to watch it.
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Noo! Daniel goes home and, true to this season, he lacks self awareness telling the world that he lost because he lacked personality. Daniel has personality for DAYS! This guy was all over the place but he was fun and at times, even wise. I would love to watch Daniel travel the world and try to make sense out of other cultures. I feel like he’s totally charming in a way that you wouldn’t want to set him up with your sister. I want to be friends with someone who is friends with Daniel, just for the stories. That feels like the appropriate level of separation. This guy BELONGS on Bachelors in Paradise. He’s got me typing in ALL CAPS! We will miss you, man. Hope to see you again soon with a terrible microphone necklace on the beaches of Mexico. 
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I mean…We’re here to make sense of this show and maybe have a little fun along the way. Evan is just too easy a target. No other guy has me watching with my arms waving like Evan. When he’s on screen I am talking to my TV. I’m looking at my wife to make sure she saw and heard what i just did. A big part of me wants to write a thousand words about Evan’s hair, his goatee, his job, his jewelry and on and on. But, a bigger part of me wants to take the guy under my wing, give him a hug, and tell him it’s all gonna be alright. I imagine people hanging out with Evan kind of get through it and then have to go sit somewhere and look into the distance to just let everything sink in. Like, you grab coffee with Evan and then after you drop him off you have to go to a different coffee shop and sit there for a second. And that’s a lot of caffeine. The guy seems lost and I hope he finds whatever it is he’s looking for. I hope he has pals at the penis clinic who will grab a bite with him at lunch. I think of Evan and I’m reminded of Andy Samberg in my favorite scene of the hit film, That’s My Boy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t-ljfykXzM

He wants to be a part of things but he’s a little late and a little off. And I bet grandmothers boo him. 😦

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Grant goes home and is nice on the way out. Man, these guys are brutal and then they save all the normal emotions until the end, making it impossible to make fun of them. Grant will be fine. He’s a firefighter with the chin of 10 men. 
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James F. reveals some poetry because of course this season’s boxing gym owner is also gonna be a friggin poet. It’s not great and not enough to keep him around. On the plus side, if you stare at James’s hairline it’s a beautiful M. Bye James F. You were nice.
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James T is way too down on himself. He even pulled the desperation card of trying to take down the lead dog. It never works, James T. I thought you were a dark horse to be the next bachelor but your self-deprecation is just too much. There are only so many pity roses to go around and I feel like you’re not long for this game.
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The guy says he’s ready to start feeling like he could fall for JoJo and that’s enough for her to fall all over. The guy is a clear favorite and it’ll take something dramatic to change that. Could we see JoJo falling in love with both Jordan and Luke??? How appropriate would that be?
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It cracks me up to see JoJo and Luke have a conversation. He tries to tell JoJo how he feels but she’s always staring at his lips. She doesn’t hear a word of what he’s saying. In fact, if you blindfolded her, I don’t think she’d be able to pick his voice out of a 3 man lineup. You can tell by the way she kisses him, it’s like she wants every square millimeter of her mouth to be touching every millimeter of his. I think it’ll break her to say goodbye to him, and seeing him at the Men Tell All should spark the same feelings. I’d say Luke is a shoe in to become the next Bachelor.
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Sad Santa, Sadnta goes home. Nick will be fine, though. He seems like a nice guy and he’s an electrical engineer. I swear electrical engineers always have nice families and he can probably afford a sweet house, especially where he lives in Florida. You’re a good man, Nick B. 
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Robby’s hair is getting ridiculous. I mean, even more than it already was. He’s gone from George Michael to full-shriner.
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I feel like he has to duck under doorways now. If Trump had a high side part, it would look like the thing Robby is rocking up top.
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Again, a guy that goes down and is kind of adorable doing it. I’d love to tell you that Vinny is a straight shooter…that he’s on the level….that he’s the ruler of south florida, but those would be more hairline jokes and i just can’t make them after seeing the guy tear up like that with his delicate bracelet kind of dangling on top of his shirt cuff. I hope Vinny finds a nice girl that appreciates all that he is. And I’m kind of stoked for him that he got on this show. It’s a big deal and something tells me he could use a big deal. Best of luck, vin. 
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We’ve already talked about it. Just seeing Wells’s face is making me super anxious again. I’m not worried about it though. I think he’ll do fine back in Nashville. The guy is a radio DJ. He should have tons of gals coming after him. “Besa mi” – Nashville. 
Until tomorrow, foreverlove each other.
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