Week 6 – Animal Cruelty

Back in 1776, America was founded on two principles.
  1. Everybody gets a gun.
  2. All girls dream of marrying the starting quarterback.
It’s a simple formula that’s gotten us this far…
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But what happens when the starting quarterback is taken? Well, you move on to the starting quarterback’s brother because surely there will be box seats, and thanksgivings with Olivia Munn.
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But what happens when the starting quarterback’s brother can’t offer any of that stuff? Is he just an endless supply of leather jackets and over conditioned hair?
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This is just one of the questions we had to grapple with last night. This show cuts to the core.
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5 very white guys ruined what looked like a fun road trip by rapping.
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JoJo gave one of the great sighs in show history after what must’ve been an hour of silence in the back of that SUV. If she was back there with Luke instead of Alex I feel like they would’ve had to set the thing on fire and roll it off a cliff.
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I’ve never seen a horse commit suicide. But watching two people make out on top of that poor animal was painful to watch from our couches imagine how the horse felt.
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“Get the curtain out. Somebody please shoot me.” – The Horse
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I think the super old Goucho was faking not being able to speak english because he didn’t want to get to close to the Hindenburg that was this date.
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The two obvious choices went home leaving us with our final four.
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Let’s see how they look going into hometowns. And remember the key, guys just voted off are blue because they are sad :( and guys that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 
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Gosh dang that was bad. Does it get worse than watching a guy pouring his heart out and trying really hard while knowing he’s about to get dumped? Yes it does. Put him in a comically bad outfit, make him lay down on a horse, and then dump him. I feel like JoJo was 5 more miles in the SUV away from giving up and asking Alex to help her discuss whether to chose Jordan or Luke. The kissing with the chips in his mouth thing. It was just…Alex is every guy who’s ever liked a girl who’s liked somebody else. Put this guy on Bachelors in Paradise and I could see him falling hard for one of the twins from Ben Higgins’s season. Good luck in love, sweet Alex.

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We lost a few good Ali’s this week. It was just a matter of time for the smiling V-neck above. But Ali doesn’t leave without getting anything. The world knows he can play piano and he got a free trip to Pittsburgh. We wish you all the luck in the world, sweet, tender, Ali. 
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UPDATE: Chad left but he didn’t really but then he did. I’ll be he ate bad smelling meat on the flight home and when his seat mate made a disputed face, Chad asked for his address and threatened to follow the man home and beat him up. 
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Goliath is slain! Chad continued to answer questions with threats of violence but it’s hard to tell just what was going on. The guys did seem to pick at him and yet, something inside me thinks Chad might be, just might be, a little unstable. He’s gone, kind of, but will never be forgotten. In just 3 weeks, Chad became one of the most fascinating people to be on this show and he’s certainly a great argument for having an MTV-like “The Challenge” where old cast members battle each other in crazy physical challenges for fortune and fame. Who wouldn’t watch Chad and some other meathead from seasons past go at each other with pugil sticks? Chad is like the kind of movies you instantly want to research after seeing them. He’s like Bridge of Spies only he’s 275 pounds of walking nightmare. It’s weird to not condone bullying but also being bummed that Chad won’t be on the show anymore. Looks like we’ll get one last glimpse in two weeks. After that, it’s back to peace. 
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Chase has just enough side part to move on to hometowns. I’d say he’s battling Robbie for third place right now. The guy just doesn’t seem to have a ton of personality. Like, what does his place look like? How does he decide to buy furniture or art? I feel like there’s an 80% chance you could turn on any top 40 radio station right now and Chase would like whatever song was playing. What do we know about Chase? Literally nothing. And yet he’s made it to hometowns. This has got to be a first. He was the beatbox guy on the bus because of course he was.
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Christian came. Christian went. It just wasn’t meant to be but he seems like a super nice fella and I’ll bet he goes on to have a perfectly normal life with a super nice lady. He was on the show just long enough where people will give him second glances in public for the next few weeks and he’ll wonder how to react to them. I think he’s one deep run on Bachelors in Paradise away from a hosting gig on E! Go get em, Christian.
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There’s something strange about Derek. I feel like he threw some temper tantrums growing up. Like, you’d go to his house to play nintendo and he’d make you watch him play. You’d never get a turn. He’d have great snacks but he wouldn’t share. I feel like Derek owns the movie Dirty Dancing on blueray. Now, he’ll have plenty of time to watch it.
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Noo! Daniel goes home and, true to this season, he lacks self awareness telling the world that he lost because he lacked personality. Daniel has personality for DAYS! This guy was all over the place but he was fun and at times, even wise. I would love to watch Daniel travel the world and try to make sense out of other cultures. I feel like he’s totally charming in a way that you wouldn’t want to set him up with your sister. I want to be friends with someone who is friends with Daniel, just for the stories. That feels like the appropriate level of separation. This guy BELONGS on Bachelors in Paradise. He’s got me typing in ALL CAPS! We will miss you, man. Hope to see you again soon with a terrible microphone necklace on the beaches of Mexico. 
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I mean…We’re here to make sense of this show and maybe have a little fun along the way. Evan is just too easy a target. No other guy has me watching with my arms waving like Evan. When he’s on screen I am talking to my TV. I’m looking at my wife to make sure she saw and heard what i just did. A big part of me wants to write a thousand words about Evan’s hair, his goatee, his job, his jewelry and on and on. But, a bigger part of me wants to take the guy under my wing, give him a hug, and tell him it’s all gonna be alright. I imagine people hanging out with Evan kind of get through it and then have to go sit somewhere and look into the distance to just let everything sink in. Like, you grab coffee with Evan and then after you drop him off you have to go to a different coffee shop and sit there for a second. And that’s a lot of caffeine. The guy seems lost and I hope he finds whatever it is he’s looking for. I hope he has pals at the penis clinic who will grab a bite with him at lunch. I think of Evan and I’m reminded of Andy Samberg in my favorite scene of the hit film, That’s My Boy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t-ljfykXzM

He wants to be a part of things but he’s a little late and a little off. And I bet grandmothers boo him. 😦

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Grant goes home and is nice on the way out. Man, these guys are brutal and then they save all the normal emotions until the end, making it impossible to make fun of them. Grant will be fine. He’s a firefighter with the chin of 10 men. 
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James F. reveals some poetry because of course this season’s boxing gym owner is also gonna be a friggin poet. It’s not great and not enough to keep him around. On the plus side, if you stare at James’s hairline it’s a beautiful M. Bye James F. You were nice.
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James T niced his way to the top 6 but that’s as far as this thing was ever gonna go. It was just his time. He pulled the desperation card and dragged others under the bus but it wasn’t enough. James was gracious in his exit and I’ve gotta believe he’ll have a bunch of ladies back in Texas lining up to set him up with their friends. It’s a tough road but he’ll end up with a great gal. 
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As mentioned above, Jordan dropped the bomb that his brother doesn’t come as a package deal. Everybody knows that’s the main reason JoJo has had him in the lead. Is the hope that the bothers will reconcile enough for her to keep him in front? This is like if you start dating someone and he or she gets horribly disfigured in an accident. It’s just like that. What do you do? I got into a bike accident when my wife and I were dating. I had to be on crutches for one day and she stayed with me. She’s also a saint. Even though JoJo is by far the least interesting thing on this show, I feel like a huge percentage of NBA players would kill to date her. With all that NBA interest coming her way after the show, will she really be able to stay with a presumptive winner if he can’t get her into any VIP clubs? Time will tell.
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And then there’s Luke, the guy she’s had the most sexual chemistry with from the get go. He’s also smart and seemingly kind. The only thing he was missing was a famous brother. Now that that card is off the table, is Luke the front runner? Or will he be the next Bachelor? I think he might be too small town and nice for JoJo. I really think she wants the glitz and glamour of a famous husband. I don’t see Luke singing up for a Bravo reality show chronicling his wife’s shopping trips to Dallas’s douchiest malls. I think America will fall in love with Luke during his hometowns. Will JoJo? That’s the big question.
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Sad Santa, Sadnta goes home. Nick will be fine, though. He seems like a nice guy and he’s an electrical engineer. I swear electrical engineers always have nice families and he can probably afford a sweet house, especially where he lives in Florida. You’re a good man, Nick B. 
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Robby dated a girl for three years and only saw her house once. That sounds like some Good Will Hunting shiz. It’s a sad story, even if Robby’s hair looks like:
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A person wearing one of those mini baseball helmets that hold ice cream.
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One of those friendly dinosaurs that only eat leaves on high trees.
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George Jetson’s car.
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Again, a guy that goes down and is kind of adorable doing it. I’d love to tell you that Vinny is a straight shooter…that he’s on the level….that he’s the ruler of south florida, but those would be more hairline jokes and i just can’t make them after seeing the guy tear up like that with his delicate bracelet kind of dangling on top of his shirt cuff. I hope Vinny finds a nice girl that appreciates all that he is. And I’m kind of stoked for him that he got on this show. It’s a big deal and something tells me he could use a big deal. Best of luck, vin. 
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We’ve already talked about it. Just seeing Wells’s face is making me super anxious again. I’m not worried about it though. I think he’ll do fine back in Nashville. The guy is a radio DJ. He should have tons of gals coming after him. “Besa mi” – Nashville. 
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Hometowns come next week!!!!! Hold on to your butts, it looks like Robby might still be sweet on his terrible ex-girlfriend. Jordan sits down and gets real at a football field because he used to play football. Who’s parents will have the most impressive McMansion? I can’t wait to find out.
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