Week 1 -Back in the thaddle

Foreverlove is in the air and America’s Lisp is back in the thaddle. We’ve seen Nick enough that it should be clear whether or not his speech impediment is caused by Invisalines but dangit if those dentists aren’t sneaky. Still no confirmation.
In a world that seems pretty shaky right now at least we know that if you’re dedicated to the Scourge of Carpathia, the Sorrow of Moldavia, Vigo will eventually reward you with a 4th chance to win foreverlove.

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Don’t know Vigo? Go home and watch Ghostubusters II.

This season we start off with 29 hopeful women and one shark. Men still don’t know what to do with their eyes when cleavage enters a room.

Jobs are funny. Somebody woke up in Hollywood, got dressed, prepared breakfast, fought traffic, grabbed a camera, laid down on a bathroom floor and shot up at Nick Viall as he supposedly got naked and stepped into a shower. Another person got paid to put a giant black censor bar over Nick’s entire midsection. Like, they toyed around with different censor bars in After Effects for a few hours, presented to their boss, ate lunch, and then went home like it was a normal day.

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After showering with at least one camera man, Nick gets advice from some recent bachelors.

  • Where’s Jason Meznik? I know you have to be 21 to get into a bar but is there such a place where you can’t sit down if you’re too old?
  • Sean Lowe looked kind of like when you break your arm and after wearing a cast for 6 months your arm has shrunk and it’s kind of yellowish. He looked like he got into that machine Captain America went in only he hit the reverse button on accident. I feel like he’s a long weekend without sunscreen and one bad month of eating away from looking normal. Nice guy though.

Before the limos come we get to know a few ladies.

  • Corrine has a nanny and refers to herself in the third person. You could choose to hate her or you could chose to believe that the world is a wonderful place because somebody out there will love this woman. (not Nick)
  • Raven may be the hottest thing going in small town Arkansas but this game is too big for her.
  • Daniele M. is perfect.
  • Rachael dances and sings with a vacuum that probably isn’t hers.
  • Taylor rides a bike in Myrtle Edwards park with the worlds shortest shorts. Seattleites don’t do short shorts.
  • There’s a Jersey Shore chick who is painful. We are not surprised.

With that, Nick is ready to receive his future. Let’s take a quick look at the limo arrivals.

Daniele L and her boobs are first out of the limo. From now on, she will be known as Double Ls.

Elizabeth is next. She’s a marketing manager and her dress looks like something a figure skater would wear. “Oooooh, she doubled it.” – Every figure skater announcer ever
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Rachel is the attorney we met in Dallas. She leads with a fantasy football thing which comes across as a little try-hard.

Christen comes out bold and loud in a yellow dress. When she talks her jaw stays shut. It’s a start but I kind of wish she’d go all the way and just be quiet.

Taylor is appropriately pretty and from Seattle which gives her a leg up. Seattle owns this show. But then she tells Nick that her friends hate him. We wait for a “just kidding” but get nothing but awkward silence. You can feel the cameraman wince, and this is probably the same guy who’s spent a morning looking up at Nick’s taint. He’s seen awkward things. This is awkward.

Kristina is an ethnic dental hygienist. Russian maybe? She’ll go on to get really nervous and cry at the rose ceremony. There’s something off-putin about a shaky Russian. Rimshot laugh track.

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Angela is a model that doesn’t really look modelish. I feel lied to.

Lauren is a law school graduate that describes herself and Nick as combining to form a “disgusting slut”. It’s actually kinda fun. She doesn’t get a rose.

Michelle does a lemons into lemonade thing. I don’t remember her at all.

Dominique kind of gives him crap for being a bachelor loser and it’s kind of charming.

Ida Marie comes out with resting b1tch face. Also, trust fall b1tch face. Not a ton of charisma out of somebody with a pretty fun name. Ida Marie does not get a rose.

Olivia is probably the show’s first Eskimo and delivers a perfectly executed Eskimo kiss. She’s actually super cute but it doesn’t matter. Apparently, Nick hates the cold.

Sarah runs up in the whitest tennis shoes ever made. She gives a “Runner up” line and it delivers hard. Nick is into her. Definitely one to watch.

The first of the Jasmines is a basketball player that brings Neil Lane to the party. I would call her bit a slam dunk but I’m still 17 weeks away from dad jokes.

Hailey isn’t wearing underwear. She’s also cute but is she too much for Nick handle?

Astrid comes out speaking German and it’s awkward enough to have us thinking she’s foreign. Turns out she’s just weird. That said, she’s my second favorite TV Astrid.

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Liz has met Nick before…Biblically. And no I’m not saying they studied the gospels together in a church community group. I’m saying they made love after a wedding. Nick recognizes her and later they have a really bad conversation. It leads to Liz getting the, “yeah this is a rose but I’m making you sweat to teach you a lesson that you’re on super thin ice” rose.

Corrine is terrible. An obvious show villain. She gives Nick a hug token which isn’t the worst idea in the world. He likes her because of course he likes her. Later, they share an awkward TV kiss that makes Nick uncomfortable. Corrine is the worst.

Vanessa is the second Canadian out of the limo which means the rumors you heard were true. This cast is more diverse than others. Nick likes her and he’s right too. She could be in this thing from A to Zed.

Daniele M is next and the sweetheart music comes on. She’s a neonatal nurse who lets Nick suck maple syrup off her finger. It’s actually pretty cute as she’s so nervous her hand is shaking. Daniele pulls off a pun and heads into the house. Now, she’s 30 which in real life is not old at all but is it too old for her to be the next bachelorette? First impressions are that she’s tailor made for the job. We’ll have to see how things go.

Raven is next with an Arkansas pig cheer.

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Jaimie is a chef with balls and somehow she gets a rose. This show is truly groundbreaking.

Brianna checks his heart but she’s here and gone before any of us can remember her.

Sure enough, the producers are feeling like we’re dragging. So many women. They start to come fast. Susannah gives him a beard massage.

Josephine makes him Lady and the Tramp a cold hot dog. She’s instantly friend-zoned. Watch for her to get dumped on a 2 on 1.

Brittany has him turn around and bend over while she snaps a glove onto her hand. She looks like she’s missing a neck. Probably won’t bode well.

There’s another Jasmine.

Whitney is a Pilates instructor that looks like a Pilates instructor.

Lacey rides in on the camel. Hits him with the “hump” line a few too many times.

FINALLY, we get to Alexis the shark. She’s going to ride this thing into the ground. We can already tell. Sure enough, it’s one long Dolphin noise. And she gets a rose at the end.

The cocktail party goes by without much happening. There are just too many women to keep track of. The rose ceremony goes as expected. And we’re off.

Man, that was long. I didn’t watch the “this season on” because I hate spoilers. But I bet it was great. Do we like Nick? That’s really not the point. He’s just an excuse to meet a bunch of crazy chicks. Let’s enjoy the ride.

See you next week, WITH PICTURES!!!!

One last thing. A friend of mine, Avery, is an awesome 11 year old. She’s having surgery today to remove a tumor from her brain. Please lift her up in your prayers and thoughts. It’s a scary thing for Avery and her family. They’ve done a ton for cancer awareness since Avery was diagnosed in August. Real life, inspirational stuff. Avery is a special gal.

Foreverlove,

g

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