Week 2 – No one has ever grabbed my boobs like that. No one ever will.

What’s that? 22 women running out to see a car? At this point a man like me has to wonder if this is a woman’s show. It’s like a hurricane of sports bras, choker necklaces, and validation.

And it looks like Nick is suffering from the same challenges. He’s like a factory worker standing behind a conveyor belt of lips and tongue. It’s all he can do to keep up without looking bored. Like all factory workers, he’s not doing a great job at it.

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That fabulous photographer from the wedding photoshoot could show up and ask to steal Nick and he wouldn’t even notice.

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Speaking of, this guy was fantastic. The outfit was the best we’ve seen from group date extras, and keep in mind we’ve had multiple sex gurus on the show. But the best thing about him was what he whispered to one of the women to get her to loosen up. “I know you from before time.” I heard that and without thinking, looked for somebody to make out with. Luckily, my wife was sitting next to me.

Let’s nip this in the bud while we’re still wearing clothes.

The ABC producers are giving us characters with all the subtlety of an 8th grader making fart noises with his armpit.

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We’ve got a perfect villain in Corinne and a perfect hero in Danielle M. For what it’s worth, we also have an imperfect lesbian.

And of course there is Liz, who could teach a class on how to get kicked off before a rose ceremony. It would be called, “What Not to Doula”.Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.39.25 PM.png

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Thank you.

OH! Quick thing before we see how our ladies did. Last week I told you about my 11 year old friend Avery. She was going in for brain surgery and the outlook was pretty grim. I’m so happy to say that even the doctors were amazed at how successful it all went. They never thought they’d be able to get much if any of the tumor and they got 100% of it without any side effects. Thanks to everybody who prayed for little Avery and her family and who sent thoughts and love. It’s a good time to be alive.

Back to it! And remember the key, ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

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You can take the girl out of the shark costume but you can’t make this joke work. Alexis doesn’t know what a shotgun wedding is. Something tells me there’s a lot of things Alexis doesn’t know. Fun girl though. No chance to win but she could be this year’s Vinny. Maybe end up on Bachelors in Paradise, petting what she thinks is a dolphin only to lose her hand.

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We didn’t get much Astrid this week. Was she on the breakup group date? Probably. Not the most charismatic woman out there so for now she blends in with the brown haired girls. Next.

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Brittany has the courage to go topless but lacks the neck to pull it off. It was just face, hair, belly button, foliage. It’s not all bad to have courage but no neck. Gimli gets it.

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Every season has its commentator. The girl or guy that has no shot at winning but sticks around long enough to tell all the viewers what’s happening. Qualifications: Expressive eyes. That’s it. Christen is this season’s storyteller. Look for her to get really nervous because she’s the only one not kissing Nick.

 

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Corinne makes for a great villain. She’s got the toplessness of Courtney the Model (Ben someone’s season). She’s got the, “Don’t let them steal my spark(le)” of Tiara (Sean’s season maybe). She speaks in the third person like Olivia from Ben Higgins’s season and she’s from Florida like Vienna (Jake Pavelka).

Corinne will watch the game with you and even wear a jersey but before the first timeout she’ll ask if it’s almost over. Corinne will “forget” to wear a bra when she meets your dad for the first time. Corinne will boo your niece’s elementary school play. Corinne will cook salmon in the office microwave and say to everybody, “Corinne needs her fish oils. It’s nothing personal and the sooner we get over that, the better.” Corinne is the worst.

And where does she go from here? She’s already made him grab her boobs in front of all the other women and that visionary photographer. I know they didn’t have sex but still, that felt like going to 5th base.

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Didn’t get a ton of Double L’s this week but that’s ok because we pretty much saw it all last week. Cleavage.

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Danielle M is like every character played by Hailey Duff in every bad(good) Hallmark Christmas movie. Everybody loves her and if that wasn’t enough she had a fiancé who not only hid a drug addiction from her but also died before they could get married. If Danielle wasn’t flying in a helicopter she’d be tied to some railroad tracks. She’s like an old school damsel in distress. Unless she launches into full Sanderson Poe territory we’ve got a really great person on our hands.

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Danielle has a kind of Tea Leoni way about her and she’s way too good for Nick. I hope she’s the next bachelorette. Or, maybe instead of that she doesn’t look for love on TV and ends up meeting a nice guy in real life. Who’s the best looking nice guy you know? That’s who Danielle M. should be with. He’s probably an architect or the cool teacher at the high school.

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We know nothing about this girl other than her parents are big time  Atlanta Hawks fans.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 2.18.43 PM.png That’s for all people that love this blog and also followed the NBA in the 80’s and 90s. Big crossover.

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Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

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The other Elizabeth.

 

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Hailey looks like somebody Nick would be into. Kind of like a 90’s super model. She’s like Niki Taylor’s distant, more Canadian cousin. Hailey hasn’t done a ton yet but if she shows up and has fun on group dates it could be enough to carry her for a month or two.

 

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Jaimi used to date women. That might of been a bigger bombshell if Liz didn’t blow everything up earlier in the night, or if Jaimi didn’t look exactly like someone who has dated women before.

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A WNBA basketball player with movie star good looks. If Nick is open to defying this show’s history, Jasmine could be around for a while. Who knows what Nick is thinking? No seriously, i can’t understand him when he talks. I’m asking you if you know what Nick is thinking.

 

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Josephine looks like the most popular girl in your high school if you graduated in 1994.

 

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She’s a Russian dental hygienist with all the effervescence of a Russian dental hygienist.

 

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Lacey is the exact middle of this thing. She’s a blonde Astrid. Lacey will walk down the steps of the bachelors in paradise resort and people will wonder if she’s like a camera woman or if she’s working craft service. Jared’s gonna ask her for a virgin daiquiri and then be really embarrassed. She’ll ask him out anyway. Ashly will not handle it well at all.

 

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Our first impression winner didn’t get a lick of screen time this week. But not to worry, she’ll be around while Nick trims the fat. Speaking of fat, I never knew how unhealthy lamb is. We roasted a leg of lamb last night. It took hours, everything I’m wearing at work smells like lamb, and there was a good half inch of lard left over on the roasting pan when I went to clean it before bed. Lamb is a liar.

 

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I didn’t even know Raven got a rose. At first look, Raven seems small towny and naive but then she hits us with some truth about how Nick is shallow and maybe not awesome. I could get used to some Raven.

 

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Sarah stayed cute without too much focus on her this week. It’s an important quality in a show’s winner. Almost as important as not leaving the bachelor to wonder if you’re actually breaking up with him, Liz. Right now, Sarah is my pick to win it all. Just a hunch.

 

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Taylor is super smart but I fell like she swears a lot which is just kind of weird. If there’s a group of 7 gals who could all make the final 4, Taylor is in it. She studies the mentally unstable and Nick is the bachelor. Taylor has the upper hand.

 

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Vanessa is pretty but she didn’t really pull off that 80’s bridal gown. It might’ve been the headpiece. Maybe too much for anyone. Still, Vanessa is on to Nick’s game. She’s already talking about bolting. Run, Vanessa!

 

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AND FINALLY!!!!!!!! we are at Whitney who hasn’t had more than 2 minutes of total airtime so far. Classic pilates instructor am i right?

That was so many women. My fingers are sweating and it smells like lamb. Looking forward to next week when Nick either boots some girls off or they leave on their own.

Foreverlove,

g

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