Hi, I’m Graeme and I just spent the night with the Backstreet Boys, the Vomit Comet, three Olympians, a bouncy house, a can of whip cream, and a trench coat. This is my life. This is what our grandfathers fought so hard for in WWII.

Thanks guys, have some Ovaltine on us.

And yet, this machine isn’t flowing like it should. Right now it’s like a crew boat where 7 of the 8 dudes are rowing hard and one of them is eating cheese pasta and doesn’t know how to wake up in the morning or make his bed and yet he tells people that he runs a multi-million-dollar company. Being on a crew boat is cool but being on that crew boat is a nightmare. It’s like this one time I was with my buddy Bdix at the Seahawks super bowl celebration parade. We were standing there for hours in the cold, packed so tight with thousands of other people that I couldn’t raise my arms up to scratch my nose. Of course because it’s life, I had some serious gas and had been dealing with it the only way I know how…for three hours. When the Seahawks went by we all yelled and then it was time to go. I turned around and behind me, at butt level was an 8 or 9 year old girl. How long had she been there? This poor little thing in her Seahawks scarf and beanie had come out for the sights and sounds of her favorite team, for the pomp and circumstance. But that’s not at all what happened. One stupid a$$ can ruin something beautiful.

One more thing. Can we get somebody to figure out what is wrong with Nick’s mouth? Bachelor super-fan Joe Gerlitz asked me if Nick has his wisdom teeth taken out the morning of every show. It’s a legit question. Is his beard also growing inward?

Remember Brady? the dude that fake-dated Brie a few seasons ago?

Yeah, this friggin guy. Brady spoke like someone that treats every syllable as something to be cherished, something tender. It was the worst. Nick is the anti-Brady. Maybe he doesn’t care enough about what he’s saying that he just gives up half way through each of his words. Watch the guy chew gum. He chews gum with his mouth open but he talks with his mouth closed. I don’t get it! But that’s why we get together after watching, to try and understand this whole thing together.

Let’s get to the women and see if there’s anything there. And remember the key, ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

I couldn’t be the bachelor because I can’t make out with girls I’m not into. Also I’m married and 38. Sorry, Alexis. Not my type.

If you can’t beat em, just wear the least effective sports bra you can find. You won’t come in first but you’ll win in the end. Note: winning is defined by sitting in a hot tub in the clothes you just worked out in. Nick is into Astrid and I could see her jogging her way into the fantasy suites.

Not a ton from Brittany this week. We learned that she likes to be athletic but that she’s not all that great at running, jumping, or throwing. On the positive side, that headshot of hers has to be the best photo she’s ever taken. Good job Brittany!

Christen wins the group date rose from last week but we don’t get to see it handed out. If you’re Christen you’ve gotta be bummed watching it now because that was probably one of the only real highlights of the experience and it didn’t even make the cut. Sidenote: Christen likes to wear fancy earrings with her sweatpants. I don’t understand that. That’s all.

 

I mean gosh dang it Corinne is just the absolute worst. I feel like she’s the product of some brutal parenting but I just. With all of the horror, the thing that sticks out most to me is that Corinne likes eating salad with garlic powder. Think about how suffocatingly smothering she is and think about how much garlic she eats. That is just no way to live. Don’t know if anybody else noticed the Secret Vacations commercials during the broadcast last night but Corinne is totally the target for that kind of thing. She’ll honeymoon to one of those places at least 3 times—each sadder than the last. Corinne talks about not being a cry baby because she isn’t the center of attention WHILE SHE’S CRYING ABOUT NOT BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. Were any of us surprised when she said, “I just made Corinne great again”? Her idea of doing something cute and creating some mystery is to show up in a trench coat with barely anything on underneath and letting Nick lick whip cream off her boobs. A mystery is not watching somebody murder someone else with a lead pipe in a study, it’s about finding clues along the way. And where was Corinne hoping that little episode would lead if she wasn’t satisfied with where it stopped? Did she want to have sex with Nick out there in the driveway? Thank the good Lord for Raquel. Speaking  of…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was no rose ceremony but the chemistry between Nick and Raquel the nanny didn’t seem really hot. Lot of intrigue though in the scenes for next week. Everybody’s talking about Raquel. Will she get a rose out of this whole thing? No sey.

Double L’s can dance. Add that to her resume. This gal is gonna be here for the long haul.

Danielle M took a back seat this week and let somebody else hero for a little bit. But she’s gotta be back next week to join in the fight against Corinne.

 

Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

Jaimi sticks around and apart from Alexis, seems like the woman least likely to have a shot at this thing. But what do I know? I’ve never dated a former lesbian while also dating 20+ other woman.

Oops. I thought Jasmine G was a professional basketball player. Turns out she’s a professional basketball dancer. And dance she did—not well enough to win the group date rose, but still. Feels like she’s close to going home. I think she got the last available rose.

If you didn’t stick around for the little extra bit of Bachelor they give us after the episode you missed one of the most awkward moments in franchise history. Josephine made up a song and then over-sang it to Nick, loud enough so the other women could hear. I feel like this show works you out only instead of building muscle it builds tolerance to awkwardness. If somebody happened to wander into the room having never seen this show and watched Josephine singing, he or she would have the same physical and mental reaction that someone who just casually dropped into a crossfit class on his her way home from Pizza Hut would have. And here’s the crazy thing. Josephine thought it went off without a hitch. Josephine is Jan Levinson singing Son of a Preacher Man at her Under Mifflin baby shower.

I’m running out of ways to say that Kristina sat and did nothing. Like, look at yourself right now. You’re sitting and basically doing nothing. Now imagine that you are Russian. boom. Kristina.

There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

A nice bit of Rachel this week. Nick called her mature which is interesting because she hasn’t done anything. But that’s what happens when you’re surrounded with crazy people. The normals are elevated. That said, I feel like Rachel is pretty legit and that she’ll be around as at least a top 6 contestant. If it doesn’t work out with Nick, is America ready for it’s first Black Bachelorette??

Raven didn’t say much this week but when she did it sounded really southern. Like, really southern.

Sarah is coasting. But that’s a dangerous way to play. She’s gotta do something to stand out before Nick gets to deep with the other women. Don’t waste this opportunity! (to ruin your life)

Taylor continues to swear. She also wore a necklace that attached as a belly chain. Did the women all bring this crazy jewelry from home or is ABC puncking us with it’s wardrobe team? Also, Taylor is pretty but in her headshot would you really be shocked if it talked and a man’s voice came out?

Yes! Vanessa gets the power by being cool and normal on a date and then isn’t afraid to use  it by calling out Nick on how he’s acting with Corinne. She’s too good for this show and hopefully she knows it. Maybe this will start a Juan Pablo type thing where the women all start taking off.

Whitney has not talked this entire show. She just kind of walks around with the quiet confidence of a pilates instructor. We could all learn from Whitney. If Vanessa does leave, Astrid will take her place as the pretty, tall, brunette. If Astrid leaves, Whitney is waiting in the wings.

Gosh, still so many women. Let’s have an episode that ends with a rose ceremony. A little normal could do us all some good.

Foreverlove,

g