Week 4 – Everywhere I turn it’s poop.

 

As the saying goes, every good pool party with one man and 15 women must come to an end. That’s just real life. You know there’s a super uptight Californian mom who’s watching this and looking outside at the bouncy house she got for little Xander’s 4th birthday party and wondering if it’s damp with Corinne.

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Surely they hose those things down she’ll think. But it’s not enough. Sorry Xander but no bouncing for you. Instead you and your Montessori friends will spend your day be enjoying macha tea and essential oils while sitting quietly on artisan wicker lawn furniture. Please parents, don’t bring anything made of peanuts. Also, no trans fats.

 

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Cue the rose ceremony. Does Nick want a woman or does he want a monster? Turns out he wants both. Now that that’s settled it’s off to…Wisconsin!!!!  Did the women have to get themselves worked up to yell, “MILWAUKEEEEE” at the airport? Nobody has ever been that excited at Southwest Airline’s Milwaukee gate.

From there it’s just a stone’s throw to Waukesha, which Wikipedia describes as, “nothing but dense virgin forest and wild prairie” when it was settled. As we learned from Nick’s tour of the town, there’s nothing virgin about Waukesha anymore. Because when a woman is co-dating a man with 15 other Instagram models it’s her dream to lay down on a grass hill in the rain and hear about how Nick had sex for the first time within rolling distance.

Few other quick hits:

  • Nick has added a nasal affect to his mystery lisp. It’s like when you’re eating soup you don’t like and you’re bummed because there’s nothing to do but spoon your way out of the disappointment but then at the bottom of the bowl there’s a cat poop.
  • Nick’s mom is really sticking with that 1995 styling. Everything about her look is sharp. The hair, the jewelry, the jacket, the nose ring. She drove a Prelude to the coffee shop and listened to Damn I wish I was Your Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins. Nick’s dad is soft as a cotton ball. Love is wonderful.
  • It is a hard time for the man that loves progressive politics but hates musicals. Nothing to do with the show, it’s just my own struggle seeping into this blog.

Oh, and we also kicked a door in, looked a vagina square in the face and beat a naked man senseless with a stiletto just seconds after he was “thrusting”.

For those who didn’t watch, it’s like this: (Children, get permission before viewing)

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Up until now the most interesting thing about one-on-one dinners is how they never eat the food. The bar has forever been raised to “I know what her vagina looks like” levels. Riveting television, delivered by a person who I only like more now. Some people are just the best.

Let’s see how the women did in America’s cheese factory. Spoiler alert: Medical emergencies. And remember the key, ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

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Somehow she survived the rose ceremony. When she finally does get kicked off, she and Nick will high five and there will be no tears shed.

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We got zero Astrid this week. I guess ABC thinks the legend of her sports bra is lasting enough to get us through a few weeks.

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Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

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Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

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Again, I could write an entire blog about this woman. She is obviously the worst. I feel like the producers sat her down and told her to riff. Instead of taking the top two or three sound bites, they went with 100 of them. Do they not think we realize how much Corinne sucks? Are there people who are on the fence about her? This week she couldn’t do farm chores because she said her fingers were about to fall off. It was a legit medical emergency. Oh, and she also claimed to have a panic attack. Corinne’s evilness has jumped the shark…dolphin??…no, it’s a shark. She’s jumped the shark. It’s like if after de-wiener’ing Theon Grayjoy, Ramsey Bolton refused to “shovel the poopy” because of a serious hand situation.

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It’s just too much. You had us at de-wiener’ing. Corinne needs to take it down a notch, or maybe pass out into that little fire outside of the barn. If Corinne lasts maybe two more weeks I will turn on Nick and totally start rooting for her to go all the way because you reap what you sew.

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Double L’s was back in FULL EFFECT. The cleavage was overwhelming and we actually got to see what it did to Nick. Go back and watch his eyes while Danielle was telling him about her family. He can’t keep his eyes open. Was he bored? I don’t think so. I think his eyes were exhausted from trying not to look at Danielle’s boobs. His body was fully awake but it’s like his eyes had a killer workout.

Later, Danielle has to dance at a private concert with a man who looks exactly like the lead singer of the band we’ve never heard of before. Nick called it a “bucket list moment”. That makes it even more hilarious.

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Nick is super intrigued by Danielle L. Super intrigued if he can keep her around for the fantasy suites.

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Danielle M walks like she’s on a go-see (yes i watched the first cycle or two of America’s Next Top Model). She seems very put together which is great if you’re a person in real life but I wonder if she lacks the spunk to capture Nick’s heart and also the spunk to be the next bachelorette. Danielle M belongs in the real world, or maybe in a Pantene Pro V commercial. Great haircut. She’s too good for the show and I think even Nick senses it.

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Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

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The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

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Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

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Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

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This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

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Jaimi can milk a cow really well. I feel like there’s some kind of analogy there but everything about Jaimi is super confusing to me. I might have to go back and ask my Dad to re-have “the talk” with me.

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Jasmine doesn’t like the farm. But that’s just her being herself. It’s Jasmine not Jasyours, ya know?

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The embodiment of awkwardness goes to Wisconsin. She wears white pants to the poopshow. She’s also friends with Corinne. Josephine strikes me as somebody you don’t want to watch a movie with. Feel like she’d ask a ton of questions about what’s happening and who’s who, and she’d do it really loudly in the theater, and she’d sing her questions, and none of that would seem weird to her. It’s settled. I will not be going to the movies with Josephine.

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Well look at that! Kristina has a personality and it’s actually kind of cool. She calls out Corinne as only somebody with a Russian accent can. I picture Kristina escaping the eastern block in the trunk of an old VW bug or something. She’s seen things and a whiney, spoiled little B isn’t going to intimidate her. Loved it. AND she got the group date rose. The Bible talks a lot about justice. I think this is what it was referring to.

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There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

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Not a ton from Rachel this week but Nick gives her big time validation. She’s gotta have a one one one next week. Book it in your ESPN fantasy apps.

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Gosh dang, Raven came out of nowhere. This girl is awesome. Smart, very aware of herself, funny, brave, sweet, and as she accurately assessed of herself, “kinda cute”. Could Raven be the next Bachelorette? Could she win this thing? Seriously, who’s better than Raven so far? If she doesn’t win I could see her sticking around L.A. and hosting a show on Bravo or something. She’s got a refreshing charisma. I didn’t think she had a shot in H but now I’m all in on Raven. Quick note: Nick is too good at roller skating. The dude is FLUID at the rink and he didn’t go for roller blades. He’s a crossover machine in roller skates. That’s a very important distinction. The only way someone gets that good is by joining a rollerskating team, which is hilarious. Someone find pics of Nick from the mid 90s on rollerskating. Thinking spandex top with a silver chain on the outside. Justin Timberlake frosted permanent.

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Sarah continues to coast and be cute but I just don’t think it’s enough. She’s gotta make a move soon. She needs a one on one.

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Taylor is the kind of mental health professional that has a secret room that’s accessed behind a bookshelf and bad stuff goes on back there. I thought she was totally justified in how she dealt with Corinne but that doesn’t mean she’s got weird stuff in that room I just mentioned. If you see Taylor, don’t follow her back to her house.

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Vanessa chilled in the background this week while we were fed two hours of Corinne being terrible. Vanessa is a front runner but is she too serious for Nick? Put her up against Raven and who’s more fun? I could see Vanessa being the next Bachelorette because she’s a strong, loud, Italian woman that would draw a ton of seriously douchey dudes.

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Whitney is this season’s Samantha. She’s pretty. She never talks. She’ll get booted soon and clean up on Bachelors in Paradise, but not before mentally effing with most of the dudes there.

And we’re done! What will happen next week? Violence? How sweet would it be if Corinne punched Taylor and had to go home? I’d love to the MTV’s The Challenge rules enforced on this show. Here’s hoping.

Foreverlove,

g

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