Week 5 – A relationship built on whip cream and lies.

Thank the heavens we have The Bachelor in this, the most uneventful time in American history. Few quick, important notes:

  1. This is a Sanctuary Blog
  2. We didn’t get a super good look at the voodoo doll Corinne made but don’t worry, I care enough about you all that I went back and got a good screen shot.Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 11.41.51 AM.png

…we should be fiiiiiiiine.

Sorry about the politics. I just know that many of you choose to get your news here and I hold that responsibility with the upmost respect. Thank you for allowing me to display my emotional intelligence. As Susan B Anthony famously said, “Let us never devalue our intellegency.”

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Never realized just how fun a lady Susan B. Anthony must’ve been.

“Hey, who’s coming to brunch on Saturday?”

“I think it’s Rico, H-Bone, and…Susan.”

“Oh man….I mean, she’s wonderful and she’s done so much for women it’s just…”

“She sucks at brunch.”

“She sucks at brunch.”

That was a play I just wrote. It’s called “Brunch”.

MOVING ON.

Will New Orleans ever recover from the image of Nick eating that beignet? I know Katrina was bad, but this was next level. The second most famous haunted house in Louisiana should be Nick’s mouth.

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And what do we know about the Big Easy that we didn’t before?

  • Dudes are amazing at jumping into boats there.
  • Voodoo priests and priestesses are really holding onto the fedora.
  • Dead little girls have no idea how expensive crystalline chandeliers can be. Not cool, Mae.

Enough about New Orleans, let’s get to the women. And remember the key, ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

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Have you ever gotten up in the morning, showered, put on yesterday’s jeans, gotten on the bus, found a seat crammed between two strangers, looked down, and seen yesterday’s underwear falling out of the pant leg? Me neither. But that is Alexis. She has no business being there but she is hanging the H on.

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What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

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Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

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Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

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At this point, don’t you have to start rooting for Corinne to win? If Nick’s gonna keep her around, he deserves a life of pure frustration and pain. She talks like she’s drunk only I think she’s just too lazy to finish her words. She eats a lot of bad carbs. She’s the kind of pretty that suggests a certain POTUS took a trip to Miami Beach in the early 90s and may have forgotten the condoms when he went to the strip club. I was only in middle school at the time but with MTV’s sex in the 90’s I’m surprised anyone would have unprotected relations back then. Also, the worst bullies are the bullies that think they’re victims. Maybe lets look at the positives of Corinne. If you’re on a date you’ll never have to dance around ordering an extra side of mac and cheese. There, that’s it. Apart from that, Corinne is the worst.

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Looks like Double Ls’ double ls are also afraid of ghosts. It was a very tame week for Danielle both in the personality and wardrobe departments. Still, it’s nothing that will hold her back. She remains a bigtime frontrunner to sail to the fantasy suites. And because Nick believes the definition of “honesty” is saying anything that comes into your mind, I could see him telling her that he’s keeping her around for some casual lovemaking.

 

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The end is nigh. You can see it in the way the kiss each other. I believe Nick wants to like Danielle M but sometimes what’s best isn’t what’s best. She’s the kind of gal that’s perfect on paper and you know some dude will have a wonderful life with her, but you’re just not that dude. Picture life with Corinne. Then bounce it back to a life with Danielle M. Nick is just built for sadness. Danielle M. is a walking lifestyle blog. She could do anything in the world she wants that includes hosting a fixer show on HGTV.

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Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

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The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

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Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

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Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

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This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

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Jamie is like one of those old magic posters. I just don’t see it.Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.50.30 PM.png

In fact, apologies if there’s like a wiener in this or something. I literally don’t see it.

 

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Jasmine would not be into this at all.

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Something tells me that’s a deal breaker for Nick. I feel like he’s into the Righteous Brothers, kind of like the way Rebecca was on Cheers.

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Gosh what happened to Kirstie Alley? I had a massive crush on her and it just so happened I had a crush on a girl that looked like a 5th grade version of her, named Kristie. Similar.

Short story long, Jasmine isn’t into Ghosts.

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Josephine is like getting home, opening up a bag of fast food, and realizing they forgot the McChicken sandwich. You’re deflated when you see it and it wasn’t really that good anyway. I’m sure the producers like her but she’s not for me.Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.47.51 PM.png

 

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She nodded in approval when her name was listed on the group date. It was the least notable thing out of Russia in months.

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There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

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Another gal who’s too good for Nick. I’m hoping this is a months-long advertisement for how great she is, that she won’t be engaged at the end of this, and that she gets on with what will be a great life. She can dance. She has relatable stories. Her dad is a super intimidating judge. When has that not been fun?

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Rachel is a lock for a hometown.

 

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Raven is super charming, even when she’s surrounded by haunted dolls. On a show many people say isn’t 100% genuine, Raven is as real as it gets. She’s also the most comfortable person in her own skin ever to be associated with this thing. Last night she told Nick she loves him IN THE MOST GENUINE WAY POSSIBLE! She let it slip! And she played it off like a champion. How genuine is Raven?

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Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.39.00 PM.pngGangsta. 

 

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Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

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Another quiet week from Nessy. It pays to be a pretty brunette this season.

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Whitney says nothing and yet she comes away with the first rose given out at the ceremony. Has she been sandbagging this whole time? Just riding her pilates instructor good looks? We’ve got to see more soon because she is getting zero screen time. Is it any wonder we are all confused? Seems like a theme for this season.

And we’re done!…kind of. What will happen with Taylor and Corinne?? Will Corinne get the boot to start next week’s ep? And man there are a lot of tears to look forward too. Nick is cracking. It might be because he sucks and the women are tired of it. We’ll see.

Foreverlove,

g

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