Week 7 – I really, really, really like you.

Happy Valentines day everybody! We’re a day late, but round here, love is forever so there is no time or something sciencey like that.

For those with significant others, I hope you got to 2nd base last night. There’s nothing wrong with a solid double. It might be enough to get Edgar Martinez into the Hall of Fame someday.

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For those without significant others I hope your Digornios were scrumptious. And I bet this time next year you’ll be staring at a box of half eaten chocolates and talking yourself into the new Pandora charm bracelet you got last night. “I can pull this off. Plus, it’s cold out for a few more months which means long sleeves. This will totally be ok.”

No matter what your sitch, you are foreverloved here.

When last we spoke, Nick was a shell of a man. Just tears, cowlicks, emotions, and short shorts. Would he stay? Would he go?

Luckily we have chris Harrison, the Nick Whisperer. He hopped on a plane and flew to St. Thomas to talk Nick off the ledge and also probably because he needed a vacation from all the hard work he puts in?

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Nick stays because there is work to be done. He’s got to find the nicest, most stable options to spend his life with and send them packing. Self-sabotage is hard.
Cue the local poor kids playing a sport so our man can show off how tender and athletic he is. Did they bring those kids in from L.A.? We should have a watchdog look for them on all the sitcoms that are losing steam and need to add a kid for the last few seasons.

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Quick theory: Normally our bachelors have balconies to stand on and look into the distance for answers. I don’t remember seeing Nick standing on anything or looking out at anything. Maybe that’s why he’s crying so much. The guy needs a release. And not the kind that comes from a garlicy Floridian that somehow adds a subtle “n” sound to every word she says.Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.16.10 AM.png

Maybe Bimini will shed some light on things. Nick just needs a change of scenery.Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.21.53 AM.png

That’ll do it.

Let’s get into the ladies, see how they enjoyed the island life. Remember the key, ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

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RIP Shark. You’ve gotta think there are some guys back in Jersey who will be into the fact that you were on TV. Although i’m not sure if any of them will admit to watching the show. Your future is…bright?

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What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

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Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

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Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

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Corinne is losing it. For the first time she’s feeling a little insecure and when you back Corinne into a corner she fights with the only weapon she’s got. Her platinum vagine. I feel like she should have a doctor look at that. Every adjective in Corinne’s vocabulary means the same thing. “I wanted to do something _____ for Nick” always means sex. Corinne is a 24 year old Joan Callamezo.

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I’d say it’s 80/20 she has nude paintings of herself hanging in her McMansion in the next 20 years. Scary. But she’s still here, for now. Nick is so unpredictable.

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Say whaaaaaaa? I’m guessing people around the world are shocked right now. Danielle went from the driver’s seat to the curb in like a day. Is Nick trapped inside his own head or could something more sinister be manipulating his actions?

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And wow how awkward was that private dinner? As Danielle was laying out their shared future, Nick was sitting there looking like somebody off camera was telling him his puppy died. Danielle is the opposite of Ace of Base. She did not see the sign. At all. Was Chris Harrison sitting in an SUV waiting for Danielle with a plane ticket to paradise? This gal is gonna straight up clean house on B’s in P’s this summer. And when that doesn’t work out, she’ll be just fine back home in L.A. You go girl. Sorry you didn’t see this coming. 

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Finally, the hammer falls. 

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That was for all the readers who also love campy Swedish metal. Danielle seems like a woman who’s ok sitting in silence. Silence scares Nick because he’s left alone with his thoughts, which are terrible because he’s a douchebag. Danielle never really had the spunk that Nick wants. The complications. The drama. All she would offer is stability, unconditional love, a good heart, and a great head of hair. But here’s the thing: sometimes perfect on paper isn’t perfect in real life. And maybe that’s why Nick is crying so much, because he sees what’s happening to his future. Maybe he wants a great life and he’s sad because a great life doesn’t want him back. We should not feel sad for Danielle. She dodged the bullet. In fact she came out of this thing perfectly. America loves her and she can have a real life. Hats off, Danielle. Hats always off with hair like yours. 

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Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

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The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

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Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

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Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

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This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

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Finally. We just spent 6 weeks slowly peeling a bandaid. At this point the relief is barely even worth it. We wish you well, Jaimi. May you find the love you’re looking for. 

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Oh my. That was hard to watch. Jasmine was like one of the broken robots on WestWorld. She couldn’t stop repeating herself and everything she said was terrifying and sexual. And she just kept digging. We’ve seen this before only it was adorable. 

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The single ray of hope in Jasmine’s meltdown was that she kept referencing wanting to punch Nick. Could she have punched the speech impediment right out of his jaw? We will never know, because Nick wanted no part of what Jasmine was selling. She was sent home on the spot and probably had a hard time watching last night. I don’t see her keeping quiet on the Women Tell All and if she does go to paradise I don’t think it’ll end great. 

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Josephine gets the boot and America breathes a sigh of relief. It’s like when you invite that one friend to hang out with another friend group and he manages to make it through the evening without making any immigrant jokes or suggesting everybody throws stuff off of freeway overpasses. The bachelor world is a little less awkward and I for one, am grateful. 

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Another great and interesting girl goes home and again, we have to be happy for her. I’m a little more worried for Kristina than I am for Danielle though. She works in a plastic surgery center in L.A. which means there are rich b-holes running through that joint on the reg, probably. Don’t fall for a bad boy, Kristina. I can picture her on the back of Justin Bobby’s motorcycle. You remember, Justin Bobby from The Hills? 

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Look how happy he is to be remembered. That is not a good sign. Here’s what you do, Kristina. Move to Waco, get a job at the Magnolia bakery. Marry somebody on staff, buy a Fixer Upper in Woodway because the schools are the best. Enjoy your open floor plan with giant kitchen island, and fill those shiplap bunkbeds with babies. 

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There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

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Rachel is my new front runner. Smart, normal, the right amount of sass. And I believe that Nick is shallow enough to pick his foreverlove, the person he will live with FOREVER, because she is black and he cares that much about what people think. Like, it’s weird to say this but I think every time he introduces Rachel to people he’ll have a look on his face that says, “yes I am open minded enough to be in a bi-racial relationship.” Also, bi-racial relationships are super in right now. Watch any commercial for a home loan. If Rachel doesn’t win, this could be ABC’s chance to have it’s first black bachelorette. I think she’d be wonderful, and not for all the reasons I just listed about Nick. Rachel is cool.

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Raven wins the group date and we are guaranteed to see her hometown. I’m still shocked but man she is lovable. It’s so hard not to root for Raven but I know I have to because I don’t want her to end up with Nick. The girl was in law school but moved home to take care of her sick father. It just gets better and better with Raven. If Nick doesn’t walk into the Atlantic next week and never come back out, it’ll be super interesting to see where Raven comes from.

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Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.39.00 PM.pngGangsta. 

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UPDATE: Taylor returned to talk “s” about Corinne. It had zero effect. That is all. Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

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Ouch. If you drop “I love you” and don’t hear, “I love you too” it is just the worst. There is only one exception.

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Speaking of love, I am not really in love with Nessy. She seems really one note to me, like a soup. But for the moment, she’s still here. You’d think she’d be a favorite but we know nothing because Nick’s emotions are all over the place.

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Pilates can only get a girl so far and Whitney gets left on what looks like the same beach we last saw Olivia. I’m sure nothing weird happened. I mean, say Olivia killed Whitney for food. Could she even fit Whitney’s body in her mouth?

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Oh crap.

Who will Nick visit during his hometown dates??? Will we even have them??? So many questions. It looks like we’ll eventually get somewhere really cold and I can’t wait.




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