Home is where the heart is. Apparently, home is also where the red/purple drapes and matching throw pillows are. The stagers are going crazy this year. I feel like they’re painting walls. Somebody on the production team is angling to be the next ex-Mrs. El Moussa.

It was fun taking a tour of this great country: from almost the top of a grain silo, to a predominantly black church, to a mall. We even hopped the border to see how French Canadians with special needs go to school. There was heart. There were tears. And gosh dang there was a lot of, “wait she’s pretty good looking but nobody else in her family is on the same level.” Said another, more positive way, Vanessa got all the genes.

 

Something was different this year. The dads didn’t shy away from the tough questions. “Are you asking other dads for their blessings?” and, “what does Nick do for a job?” and, “where are you two going to live after this is all over?” It was kind of wonderful when no good answers came.

Just once I want to hear:

Woman:  Mom, chill. We’re both going to sell teeth whiteners on Instagram, gooooosh.

Mom:       Can I get Instant Gram on my Myspace Page?

What else. We learned that Corrine’s family is super Greek. Considering Vanessa’s family is the most Italian thing Canada has going, we haven’t seen this kind of competition between Greeks and Romans since Brad Pitt was yelling for Eric Bana. HECTOOOOOOOR!!!!!!!!!!!There’s nothing quite like Troy.

Finally, Andi Dorfman gets an unofficial acting audition for what I’m assuming is some soap opera work. The line this show walks between real and really bad is razor thin and anytime somebody starts mugging for the camera is more awkward than all the terrible kisses or private concerts. We’d all be better if Andi would just go back to being a fake lawyer.

Let’s see how our woman did on their home turf. Nobody went home but it’s still important to remember the color key—ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

RIP Shark. You’ve gotta think there are some guys back in Jersey who will be into the fact that you were on TV. Although i’m not sure if any of them will admit to watching the show. Your future is…bright?

What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

I’m confused. I’m Corinnefused. That wasn’t good. Corinne takes Nick to the mall because that is how she spends her life, buying terrible necklaces and pants that show off her muffin top. BTW, nothing wrong with a muffin top. Ask Elaine Bennis. So yeah, it’s easy to laugh at Corinne for having no substance. And yes, you can continue to laugh at her parents’ condo with the strange porcelain dolls in the entry way display case. But Corinne’s dad grew on me in ways I wasn’t ready to be grown on. And I’m a guy that hates male jewelry! His greek dad chain was out in full force. The guy is so jovial. So likable. He confronts Nick about being a kept man but then quickly pivots like there’s nothing wrong with that. I can see how he’s some kind of businessman. So curious what he does but I’m too afraid to google it because I don’t want spoilers. My guesses are: Port-o-Pottys, Timeshares, or car dealerships. I still don’t like Corinne but I would enjoy playing golf with her dad every now and again.

Say whaaaaaaa? I’m guessing people around the world are shocked right now. Danielle went from the driver’s seat to the curb in like a day. Is Nick trapped inside his own head or could something more sinister be manipulating his actions?

And wow how awkward was that private dinner? As Danielle was laying out their shared future, Nick was sitting there looking like somebody off camera was telling him his puppy died. Danielle is the opposite of Ace of Base. She did not see the sign. At all. Was Chris Harrison sitting in an SUV waiting for Danielle with a plane ticket to paradise? This gal is gonna straight up clean house on B’s in P’s this summer. And when that doesn’t work out, she’ll be just fine back home in L.A. You go girl. Sorry you didn’t see this coming. 

Finally, the hammer falls. 

That was for all the readers who also love campy Swedish metal. Danielle seems like a woman who’s ok sitting in silence. Silence scares Nick because he’s left alone with his thoughts, which are terrible because he’s a douchebag. Danielle never really had the spunk that Nick wants. The complications. The drama. All she would offer is stability, unconditional love, a good heart, and a great head of hair. But here’s the thing: sometimes perfect on paper isn’t perfect in real life. And maybe that’s why Nick is crying so much, because he sees what’s happening to his future. Maybe he wants a great life and he’s sad because a great life doesn’t want him back. We should not feel sad for Danielle. She dodged the bullet. In fact she came out of this thing perfectly. America loves her and she can have a real life. Hats off, Danielle. Hats always off with hair like yours. 

Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

Finally. We just spent 6 weeks slowly peeling a bandaid. At this point the relief is barely even worth it. We wish you well, Jaimi. May you find the love you’re looking for. 

Oh my. That was hard to watch. Jasmine was like one of the broken robots on WestWorld. She couldn’t stop repeating herself and everything she said was terrifying and sexual. And she just kept digging. We’ve seen this before only it was adorable. 

The single ray of hope in Jasmine’s meltdown was that she kept referencing wanting to punch Nick. Could she have punched the speech impediment right out of his jaw? We will never know, because Nick wanted no part of what Jasmine was selling. She was sent home on the spot and probably had a hard time watching last night. I don’t see her keeping quiet on the Women Tell All and if she does go to paradise I don’t think it’ll end great. 

Josephine gets the boot and America breathes a sigh of relief. It’s like when you invite that one friend to hang out with another friend group and he manages to make it through the evening without making any immigrant jokes or suggesting everybody throws stuff off of freeway overpasses. The bachelor world is a little less awkward and I for one, am grateful. 

Another great and interesting girl goes home and again, we have to be happy for her. I’m a little more worried for Kristina than I am for Danielle though. She works in a plastic surgery center in L.A. which means there are rich b-holes running through that joint on the reg, probably. Don’t fall for a bad boy, Kristina. I can picture her on the back of Justin Bobby’s motorcycle. You remember, Justin Bobby from The Hills? 

Look how happy he is to be remembered. That is not a good sign. Here’s what you do, Kristina. Move to Waco, get a job at the Magnolia bakery. Marry somebody on staff, buy a Fixer Upper in Woodway because the schools are the best. Enjoy your open floor plan with giant kitchen island, and fill those shiplap bunkbeds with babies. 

There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

That was the most rational, normal, pleasant hometown date of all time. Rachel’s family is lovely and fun. They even brought another white guy to the party to make Nick comfortable. Not only that but the dude looks like Nick if he was stung by a lot of bees, or if he broke his leg and spent 6 months watching gameshows and eating Hostess treats for breakfast. Sidenote: College was the best. We’re all sad that we didn’t get to meet Rachel’s dad but something tells me we’ll see more of her and her family soon…

If you’ve ever wondered what charming looks like in a backwater mud field, Raven is the woman for you. After that bathtub scene in Gummo I never thought I’d be able to look at dirty water again. (Don’t google it)  So far, there isn’t a scenario Raven hasn’t been able to pull off. That’s an interesting and wonderful thing to have with a life partner. Raven’s dad is cancer free? How could you not fall for this girl? Oh wait, I know it’s because you like to spend your days trying on skinny jeans and deep v sweaters in florida. If she doesn’t win, Raven deserves a spin off show. She couldn’t tell Nick she loves him and that could be the best thing for her life. If you’re a 28 year old construction worker or diner owner, you should go to Hoxie and try to win this woman over.

Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Gangsta. 

UPDATE: Taylor returned to talk “s” about Corinne. It had zero effect. That is all. Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

Yikes. Everything about that date was heavy. The weather, the amount of people in her grandparent’s house. The crying sister. Her brother who is both the sweetest little guy in the world and a spitting image of Seth Green in the 90’s.

It sounds like Vanessa was hurt pretty bad following her last break up that, unless I heard wrong, was like three years ago. Seems like her family is still processing it. If Nick isn’t at the dinner table in Montreal every Sunday than he can’t win with Vanessa’s family. It feels like Vanessa is breaking under the pressure too. Could she leave on her own? Will she even last until the rose ceremony? So many questions.

 

Pilates can only get a girl so far and Whitney gets left on what looks like the same beach we last saw Olivia. I’m sure nothing weird happened. I mean, say Olivia killed Whitney for food. Could she even fit Whitney’s body in her mouth?

Oh crap.

Next week we start off with some Dorfman. It’s good to have 6 days to prepare for the lameness. On the plus side, Nick finally got a balcony to fake-drink coffee on while he looks out at the distance. Hopefully that will help lead him to a decision in the coming weeks. For now, hold the ones you love and I’m sorry if you googled “Gummo bathtub” even though I told you not to.

Foreverlove,

g