Week 9 – I’m done. I’m done. I’m done.

What the heck was that? I gave up sugar, carbs, and cheese. The Bachelor is all I have left and they shaft us with a measly hour??? And at least 7 minutes of that hour was taken up by commercials for the TV movie that would steal our joy. If I know one thing about wine it’s that a good cabernet takes at least an hour to really open up.* What were our nations wine drinking women, and wine lover Joe Gerlitz supposed to do at 9:00 last night? If there’s a second thing I know about wine it’s that the tannins aren’t the same when you’re watching “When We Rise”**.

*I made that up

**I don’t know how to spell tannins. Thank you spell check

Andi makes the most of a super forced interaction. Her advice? Sex. As much and as frequent as possible.

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Ironically, the one woman who would not be made love at is the one woman who tried over and over to make it happen. Corinne is left out in the cold with nothing but a fur coat and the 15 pounds she gained on the show to keep her warm. What follows is a super weird goodbye with Nick laughing and Corinne fake-crying? She was making a lot of noises but we didn’t see any tears. It’s like when a toddler has a meltdown in the middle of a store.

Screen Shot 2017-02-28 at 11.05.45 AM.pngMore on Corinne below.

If New York wasn’t cold enough, the remaining crew headed to Finland where Nick would hide his insecurities in in the comfort of an early 00’s boyband turtleneck.

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Isn’t that just the face you’d like to spend the rest of your life with?

Raven goes first and from the jump we get a peek into her past relationship. Because this is a family blog I’ll sum it up like this. Raven got a lot of …LMNOP from her last lover. We know from past episodes that her ex could thrust but it sounds like the motion in the ocean didn’t amount to a whole lot. To put it another way, picture her ex holding a lighter and running around a firecracker. There’s a lot of action but no boom. If you’ve ever spent 20 minutes setting up a bunch of dominos on the floor and then tipped the first domino and nothing happened, that’s what we’re talking about here. It’s like if a very large man yells “cannonball” and jumps into a pool but then you get a rip entry with zero splash.

This guy gets it.

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Raven’s ex is having a rough season. I’m sure somebody has googled him and I wouldn’t be surprised if there are news stations setting up shop on his lawn right now. If not, Foreverlovewins could be first on the scene.

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Also, Nick sucks at darts.

Will he find a bullseye with Raven? We have to wait a week to find out. Till then, let’s take a look at how the women did, and remember the color key—ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

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RIP Shark. You’ve gotta think there are some guys back in Jersey who will be into the fact that you were on TV. Although i’m not sure if any of them will admit to watching the show. Your future is…bright?

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What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

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Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

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Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

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This is how it ends. With Corinne slumped in the back of a limo telling us she’s done. Done trying to kiss up to men. Done telling them what she thinks they want to hear. Chris Harrison has no problem telling us that The Bachelor is a super important, super valuable piece of our culture. Maybe with Corinne, he’s actually right. If just one south Floridian can stop trying so hard to have sex with a man who’s dating 30 other women, then this show is worth it. What’s next for Corinne? I’m guessing feta. Feta and a whole lot of reassurance from Raquel. In a time when up is down and the country can’t figure itself out, it’s nice to see the worst option not being the one we’re stuck with. Good luck, Corinne. I hope you find what you’re looking for. “Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all.”

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Miss you everyday, Whitney. 

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Say whaaaaaaa? I’m guessing people around the world are shocked right now. Danielle went from the driver’s seat to the curb in like a day. Is Nick trapped inside his own head or could something more sinister be manipulating his actions?

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And wow how awkward was that private dinner? As Danielle was laying out their shared future, Nick was sitting there looking like somebody off camera was telling him his puppy died. Danielle is the opposite of Ace of Base. She did not see the sign. At all. Was Chris Harrison sitting in an SUV waiting for Danielle with a plane ticket to paradise? This gal is gonna straight up clean house on B’s in P’s this summer. And when that doesn’t work out, she’ll be just fine back home in L.A. You go girl. Sorry you didn’t see this coming. 

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Finally, the hammer falls. 

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That was for all the readers who also love campy Swedish metal. Danielle seems like a woman who’s ok sitting in silence. Silence scares Nick because he’s left alone with his thoughts, which are terrible because he’s a douchebag. Danielle never really had the spunk that Nick wants. The complications. The drama. All she would offer is stability, unconditional love, a good heart, and a great head of hair. But here’s the thing: sometimes perfect on paper isn’t perfect in real life. And maybe that’s why Nick is crying so much, because he sees what’s happening to his future. Maybe he wants a great life and he’s sad because a great life doesn’t want him back. We should not feel sad for Danielle. She dodged the bullet. In fact she came out of this thing perfectly. America loves her and she can have a real life. Hats off, Danielle. Hats always off with hair like yours. 

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Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

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The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

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Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

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Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

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This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

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Finally. We just spent 6 weeks slowly peeling a bandaid. At this point the relief is barely even worth it. We wish you well, Jaimi. May you find the love you’re looking for. 

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Oh my. That was hard to watch. Jasmine was like one of the broken robots on WestWorld. She couldn’t stop repeating herself and everything she said was terrifying and sexual. And she just kept digging. We’ve seen this before only it was adorable. 

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The single ray of hope in Jasmine’s meltdown was that she kept referencing wanting to punch Nick. Could she have punched the speech impediment right out of his jaw? We will never know, because Nick wanted no part of what Jasmine was selling. She was sent home on the spot and probably had a hard time watching last night. I don’t see her keeping quiet on the Women Tell All and if she does go to paradise I don’t think it’ll end great. 

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Josephine gets the boot and America breathes a sigh of relief. It’s like when you invite that one friend to hang out with another friend group and he manages to make it through the evening without making any immigrant jokes or suggesting everybody throws stuff off of freeway overpasses. The bachelor world is a little less awkward and I for one, am grateful. 

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Another great and interesting girl goes home and again, we have to be happy for her. I’m a little more worried for Kristina than I am for Danielle though. She works in a plastic surgery center in L.A. which means there are rich b-holes running through that joint on the reg, probably. Don’t fall for a bad boy, Kristina. I can picture her on the back of Justin Bobby’s motorcycle. You remember, Justin Bobby from The Hills? 

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Look how happy he is to be remembered. That is not a good sign. Here’s what you do, Kristina. Move to Waco, get a job at the Magnolia bakery. Marry somebody on staff, buy a Fixer Upper in Woodway because the schools are the best. Enjoy your open floor plan with giant kitchen island, and fill those shiplap bunkbeds with babies. 

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There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

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Rachel was cold this week.

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Gosh dang things got awkward last night. And yet, when Raven told Nick how she feels about him it was the most sincere, most charming moment ever. She’s taking a big gulp of wine for courage because that’s what all of us would do when faced with something scary. Raven has a way of making this whole thing seem real. I just wish she wouldn’t keep talking about her history with orgasms. Nick’s sweater is heavy enough. We don’t need that extra pressure. It’s hard to know what to root for here. If you like Raven, do you want her to escape from Nick and a night of physical and emotional attachment? Or do you just want her to win and be happy with this guy? I’d be fine if Chris Harrison drugged her, threw her on a sled pulled by reindeer, and she woke up at the airport in Helsinki.

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Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.39.00 PM.pngGangsta. 

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UPDATE: Taylor returned to talk “s” about Corinne. It had zero effect. That is all. Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

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Vanessa cried and looked cold but she’s moving on. Is she the one? I think she looks most like a Bachelor contestant, but as we’ll find out next week Nick is not traditional. I just don’t see how Vanessa could successfully date anyone outside of her town, not with a family like hers. She needs a French Canadian Italian who can make it to Sunday supper. Case closed. And you know there’s like 1 guy in her entire province that she’s not related to that fits the bill.

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Pilates can only get a girl so far and Whitney gets left on what looks like the same beach we last saw Olivia. I’m sure nothing weird happened. I mean, say Olivia killed Whitney for food. Could she even fit Whitney’s body in her mouth?

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Oh crap.

Three hours next week and I’m gonna need all of them. Nobody call me between 8 and 11. The wine will be flowing and gosh dang will it have opened up nicely.




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