3 Hour Bachelor Event – Too much.

Goldilocks. It’s a children’s story and yet it’s so poignant. One hour of The Bachelor just isn’t enough. Three hours makes you go to bed angry. Two hours is juuuuuust right. Who knew we could learn so much from porridge?Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.25.03 PM.png

For those who survived until 11:00 last night, I salute you. It was like Andy Dufresne crawling through 500 yards of poop to come out the other side and wash in his own freedom, only we just got to go to bed.Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.25.58 PM.png

 

So many conversations we don’t care about. Logic is like Hotmail. We remember it fondly. We’re pretty sure it still exists. But we rarely see it anymore. And that goes from the Whitehouse to the Women Tell All studio. More on that below.

Let’s focus on Finland. For the past week we’ve been steeping in awkwardness, like a teabag you forgot about for a while. The water is cold. There is no life left in the bag. 7 long days wondering, “would Raven be opened to new sensations?” I typed that knowing my mom reads this blog. We are all suffering.

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Congrats, Raven. How bout you run around high fiving reindeer and dancing in the streets. I’m surprised they didn’t hold a parade. I’m sure the kids would’ve come out for Raven’s news.Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.09.39 PM.png

 

Next up is Rachel. She’s guarded but Nick does his best to draw out her vulnerabilities because that’s what you do two nights before dumping someone. Again, so painful. It was like the old Austin Powers gag with the steamroller. You could see it coming from a mile away and yet Rachel could do nothing but get smashed.Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.12.08 PM.png

 

They wake up topless and we can assume love was made because again, you’re one week away from proposing so why not sleep with who you can?

Finally, Vanessa joined the party. I feel like Vanessa is a perfect composite of every woman to ever appear on the Bachelor. Like, if a blind person made a bachelorette out of clay, it would look like Vanessa.

Hello.

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I imagine watching Nick and Vanessa talk about important things while cuddling is like when God sees me pull into a Jack in the Box drive thru. “This isn’t going to end well.”  Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.18.49 PM.png

I mean, it’s nice that they’re talking about this stuff but it seems obvious that they aren’t suited for each other, like my GI tract and the Extreme Sausage Sandwich. I know it’s supposed to look gross but even now, knowing what it will do to me, I want it. And that’s Nick! He can’t say no to the things he knows will destroy him.

Fast forward to the next morning. Another one bites the dust. How is nick going to live this down on the After the Rose? We know he’s had a rough go before…

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Someone has to go. It is Rachel’s time. She is the best of us, which is why she had to go.

Then came 2 hours of [fart noise]. Let’s take a look at how the women did below. I’ve given super quick updates for everybody. And remember —ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

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WTA: Milking the shark from the Forever Friend Zone.

RIP Shark. You’ve gotta think there are some guys back in Jersey who will be into the fact that you were on TV. Although i’m not sure if any of them will admit to watching the show. Your future is…bright?

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WTA: I don’t understand Astrid’s eyebrows. They look like your dad trying to use photoshop. “No, no Dad, that brush is too wide. No, lemme just…ok.”

What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

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WTA: Missing in action.

Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

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WTA: Nods at everything every woman yells. Very agreeable. Looks exceptionally healthy next to Josephine.

Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

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WTA: Continues Trumping this show. Turns insights into arguments. Grabs champaign. Tries to justify her use of the word nanny. People clap because she’s entertaining but with her in charge the world would burn.

This is how it ends. With Corinne slumped in the back of a limo telling us she’s done. Done trying to kiss up to men. Done telling them what she thinks they want to hear. Chris Harrison has no problem telling us that The Bachelor is a super important, super valuable piece of our culture. Maybe with Corinne, he’s actually right. If just one south Floridian can stop trying so hard to have sex with a man who’s dating 30 other women, then this show is worth it. What’s next for Corinne? I’m guessing feta. Feta and a whole lot of reassurance from Raquel. In a time when up is down and the country can’t figure itself out, it’s nice to see the worst option not being the one we’re stuck with. Good luck, Corinne. I hope you find what you’re looking for. “Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all.”

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Miss you everyday, Whitney. 

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WTA: She cries. She is comforted. She is fine. The circle is complete.

Say whaaaaaaa? I’m guessing people around the world are shocked right now. Danielle went from the driver’s seat to the curb in like a day. Is Nick trapped inside his own head or could something more sinister be manipulating his actions?

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And wow how awkward was that private dinner? As Danielle was laying out their shared future, Nick was sitting there looking like somebody off camera was telling him his puppy died. Danielle is the opposite of Ace of Base. She did not see the sign. At all. Was Chris Harrison sitting in an SUV waiting for Danielle with a plane ticket to paradise? This gal is gonna straight up clean house on B’s in P’s this summer. And when that doesn’t work out, she’ll be just fine back home in L.A. You go girl. Sorry you didn’t see this coming. 

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WTA: She dyed her hair grey. That’s like if somebody snuck into the Louvre and put arms on Winged Victory. DON’T MESS WITH PERFECTION! Also, I’ve never seen a woman with such a sleek upper body be so brazen about flaunting it. It feels weird to write that but we were all thinking it.

Finally, the hammer falls. 

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That was for all the readers who also love campy Swedish metal. Danielle seems like a woman who’s ok sitting in silence. Silence scares Nick because he’s left alone with his thoughts, which are terrible because he’s a douchebag. Danielle never really had the spunk that Nick wants. The complications. The drama. All she would offer is stability, unconditional love, a good heart, and a great head of hair. But here’s the thing: sometimes perfect on paper isn’t perfect in real life. And maybe that’s why Nick is crying so much, because he sees what’s happening to his future. Maybe he wants a great life and he’s sad because a great life doesn’t want him back. We should not feel sad for Danielle. She dodged the bullet. In fact she came out of this thing perfectly. America loves her and she can have a real life. Hats off, Danielle. Hats always off with hair like yours. 

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WTA: Lost in the chaos.

Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

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The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

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WTA: Apparently she’s a big time humanitarian…who also sleeps with guys at weddings and doesn’t call them but shows up a few months later to grab some fame. Nothing wrong with that. She’s carved out a very specific niche.

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

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WTA: She’s a psych major who tried to call out Taylor but got confused mid sentence. Our emotions are not in good hands.

Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

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WTA: Said way more than was warranted with such a short stint on the show. I feel like she’s the kind of person that you quickly learn to tune out the moment she starts talking.

This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

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WTA: I feel like her boobs were in most of the shots last night. Like, they were sitting right behind Kristina’s face or something. It’s the perfect way to sum up the entire show actually. We were watching Kristina talk about super serious stuff while in the immediate background, two large boobs were just sitting there confusing us.

Finally. We just spent 6 weeks slowly peeling a bandaid. At this point the relief is barely even worth it. We wish you well, Jaimi. May you find the love you’re looking for. 

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WTA: We knew she was gonna talk. We knew we didn’t want to hear it. We got what we came for.

Oh my. That was hard to watch. Jasmine was like one of the broken robots on WestWorld. She couldn’t stop repeating herself and everything she said was terrifying and sexual. And she just kept digging. We’ve seen this before only it was adorable. 

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The single ray of hope in Jasmine’s meltdown was that she kept referencing wanting to punch Nick. Could she have punched the speech impediment right out of his jaw? We will never know, because Nick wanted no part of what Jasmine was selling. She was sent home on the spot and probably had a hard time watching last night. I don’t see her keeping quiet on the Women Tell All and if she does go to paradise I don’t think it’ll end great. 

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WTA: Good gracious. That look was something else. You know how when you’re supposed to look at a mirror before leaving the house and removing the first accessory you see because that means it shouldn’t be there? Josephine would’ve showed up to the show naked. I’ll leave it to the fashion recaps my wife reads to go any deeper. But before I go, a few thoughts. Nope, just started writing them and it was mean. Can’t do it. I wish you well and I will look to how wonderful the world is, that there was at least one man who was watching last night and thought, “Josephine is it for me. She’s incredible.” You go girl.

Josephine gets the boot and America breathes a sigh of relief. It’s like when you invite that one friend to hang out with another friend group and he manages to make it through the evening without making any immigrant jokes or suggesting everybody throws stuff off of freeway overpasses. The bachelor world is a little less awkward and I for one, am grateful. 

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WTA: Again, we hear about her struggles and it makes everything else so silly. Things even got a little political. Did all the bachelor fans who also think refugees should be kept out of our country sit there and say, “I like Kristina but i gotta stick to my guns on this one. I think she should’ve stayed in Russia and become a prostitute.” Maybe Chris Harrison is right. Maybe it will be this show that changes the world…

Another great and interesting girl goes home and again, we have to be happy for her. I’m a little more worried for Kristina than I am for Danielle though. She works in a plastic surgery center in L.A. which means there are rich b-holes running through that joint on the reg, probably. Don’t fall for a bad boy, Kristina. I can picture her on the back of Justin Bobby’s motorcycle. You remember, Justin Bobby from The Hills? 

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Look how happy he is to be remembered. That is not a good sign. Here’s what you do, Kristina. Move to Waco, get a job at the Magnolia bakery. Marry somebody on staff, buy a Fixer Upper in Woodway because the schools are the best. Enjoy your open floor plan with giant kitchen island, and fill those shiplap bunkbeds with babies. 

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WTA: Lacey spoke up from the back row and paid the price. Hats off though for taking a risk.

There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

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It is not goodbye, Rachel it is see you soon. Rachel goes home and is then praised on the WTA stage. She is the most poised crier I have ever seen. She seems pretty great and I’m looking forward to watching what happens on her journey for foreverlove. 

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Raven remains. A new woman. But she’s now emotionally AND physically tied to this guy. Ask yourself, is Nick the guy you want your life tied to?

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WTA: Sarah is spunky and manages to say a fair amount without making enemies. She should’ve done more on this show. Here’s hoping she can parlay this experience into some Instagram sponsorships.

Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.39.00 PM.pngGangsta. 

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WTA: You can be right and still lose. The Taylor vs Corinne battle brings back the immortal words of Billy Madison’s principal: “Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

UPDATE: Taylor returned to talk “s” about Corinne. It had zero effect. That is all. Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

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Danger! Danger! Vanessa and Nick are pretty similar and I just don’t see how they could work out. I could totally see him going for her though because it’s harder. This gal has cried so much this season. She’s almost left so many times. Best case scenario, I think, would be for Nick to dump Raven and then cut to Vanessa driving to the airport, leaving him alone in the snow. That’s bleak but I’m still in a dark place after 3 hours of Bachelor.

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WTA: Whitney tried to speak last night but unless you were holding a megaphone it wasn’t going to happen.

Pilates can only get a girl so far and Whitney gets left on what looks like the same beach we last saw Olivia. I’m sure nothing weird happened. I mean, say Olivia killed Whitney for food. Could she even fit Whitney’s body in her mouth?

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Oh crap.

 

That was taxing. I need drive out to a field and just sit there for a while. Maybe bring some Jack in the Box so I don’t get hungry.

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