Week 1 – The amazingness of my penis

Welcome back foreverlovers and happy spring. The rhododendrons at the Hanson house are goin OFF! If that’s not exciting enough, we welcomed a little baby boy into our lives 6 days ago. Before seeing his tiny face I thought the only way to truly love was to buy a suit jacket with a dual colored lapel, fly to L.A. and hang out at a mansion with 30 other guys.  I’m honored at the chance to love this little guy and lead by example. I guess this week’s title isn’t getting me off to the best start. But that’s just the world he’s entering into. The Mariners can’t win and Blake E is on TV.

But enough about me and how Blake refers to his penis. Rachel is here and she’s dancing down the streets with excitement! We even get to see her fake lawyer. “Objection your honor. Sustained.” I’m sold. And I guess that’s all we need to know about Rachel because it’s on to some of the guys: Let’s meet em.

  • There’s a sad lawyer from Dallas that really believes in Crest Whitening strips. A typical day for him is going to a man made lake and staring out into the distance thinking about how his mom died. He also has a labradoodle.
  • Next up is Waboom. It’s nice to see that the producers haven’t lost their adept touch at subtlety.
  • And here comes Blake E. Right off the bat we see that last name initial which suggests there’s gonna be another Blake because of course there will be. Blake E looks like someone you’d see when you’re watching what you think is a new reality show but then it turns out it’s an after hours documentary on swinging. Someone in middle school told young Blake he was a bad kisser and now all of us have to witness the emotional fall out. Words matter. I feel like Blake might have fewer gal pals in the office after they all saw him on the show last night. Wait, do “aspiring drummers” work in an office?
  • Josiah Daniel has a heart of gold. Apparently that has no transferable value because the guy can only afford what looks like the bottom half of a sweater. That look says, “I want to feel cozy but it’s 90 degrees in Dallas and I worked really hard on the incline bench last night.”
  • Diggy likes fashion.

Because Rachel is wise, she seeks trusted council from some trusted allies. They cry chardonnay tears and speak in those Instagram inspirational quotes you love to see in your feed.

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Raven confirms that a man who knows what he wants is sexy. Finally I am vindicated for confidently identifying my constant desires.

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And with that, Rachel is ready! Let’s get to the limo arrivals.

First out is Peter, a white entrepreneur from Wisconsin. Definitely one to watch.

Next up is Josiah, the lawyer we met before. He turned his life around and managed to do it without being humbled. It’s impressive, just ask him and he’ll tell you about it in the third person.

Bryan speaks Spanish. He’s Columbian and he gets points for not over-pronouncing the word, “Columbian” like my dad ordering food at a Taco Bell. “I would like a seeeeyetaaa layer uh-booooooRRRRRIIIIIII-to”. love you dad. Unlike my dad, Bryan’s gonna French his way to a first impression rose. A quick note: And this is uncomfortable but we just need to get it out there so we can all move on. Often times when white people are around black people, they take on a different affect and it’s super cringy and it feels racist even though it isn’t. I propose we call it, “3rd Basing” after one of my favorite rap groups from the early 90’s.

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Pop goes the weasel cuz the weasel goes pop, ya know? If not, Bing.com 3rd Base. Anway, Bryan is the biggest offender so far. Hopefully he can reign it in before showing up to a one-on-one wearing a cross colors shirt or an Africa necklace. Moving on.

Kenny the wrestler does a fun dance move. Later he’ll kiss Rachel’s hand. Poor Kenny is gonna get his heart broken. I’m already rooting for a viewer to fall in love with him and his daughter.

Rob is a nerdy lawyer from Houston who looks like a grownup child star but not in a good way. He does not get a rose.

Iggy shows up and while his arrival is talked over we get the sense that he could be this season’s narrator. The guy that has no chance from the start but sticks around and listens to the other men talk about their relatonships with Rachel so they aren’t always talking directly to camera.

Bryce is a firefighter who probably got into fighting fires for the calendars.

Will does an Urkul thing that is super cringy until we realize he’s going for Stephan Urkel. What’s better is that Rachel totally picks up what he’s laying down. That’s just what Rachels do around Erkuls.

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Diggy uses his name as a verb. They can’t all be winners.

Somebody brings her some buns. Things are starting to blend together.

Blake K. talks about his grandparents which is adorable when you’re sexy. But Blake is just nice. A nice guy talking about his grandparents isn’t gonna get it done on this show.

Brady is a male model who literally breaks the ice. With hair like that he could’ve skipped the limo, walked in the back entrance, joined the party late, and still gotten a rose.

Dean is back after the “I’m ready to go black and never go back” comment from After the Rose show. Rachel makes light of the whole thing because she was born for this. Such grace and poise. There’s a seat on The View just waiting for her.

Eric dances. He looks a little like Dule Hill which is a bigtime bonus. If he’s got a Super Sniffer we could all be falling in love.

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Demario is nice in front of Rachel but once he gets inside he calls himself the number one seed and talks about winning. Remember, Whitney warned us all that she’s heard DeMario isn’t in this thing for the right reasons.

Here comes future sex offender Blake E and this time he’s drumming! A true double threat.

Fred went to elementary school with Rachel and was a camper under Rachel’s watch. Could Fred be the first person in history to ACTUALLY make out with the hot camp counselor?

Jonathan comes out looking like the world’s most advanced robot. Is there an IBM Watson sponsorship this season? His face doesn’t look fully human and to hammer the theory home even more he friggin tickles her! That’s totally something someone impersonating a feeling human would do! He’s got the face of a man who tickles women he keeps in the shed in his backyard. There’s a doll on this show that’s like 60% as creepy as Jonathan. And surprise, he’s from Florida. Ladies, if you see Jonathan sitting in a Pennsicola bar sniffing a locket of hair he keeps in his shirt pocket, run the other way.

Lee has a guitar and the haircut of someone who’d be good at playing it. When he sings, he sounds like a man torn by his love of MatchBox 20 and his country roots. I could see his parents only allowing Lee to listen to one secular musician and forcing it to be MatchBox 20. He’s like a prisoner clinging to the one ray of light hitting his cell wall. My lack of sleep is manifesting in a takedown of Rob Thomas. He doesn’t deserve that and I’m sorry.

Alex dances with a vacuum making fun of Rachel’s vignette last year. He’ll go on to dance with it throughout the evening. And I will laugh every time.

Milton hits us with a poloroid. We learn that he bought a bunch of dope suits and he’s crying because after not receiving a rose, he won’t get the opportunity to show them off to America. He also purrs at women. Good looking guys get away with some weird stuff until they’re in a mansion filled with other good looking guys.

Adam/AJ. Adam shows up with a super creepy doll but here’s the thing, the producers actually did fun things with it! The doll speaks with a French accent and he’s super into existentialism. It’s legitimately funny and I can’t believe. it. AJ deserves his own show. At least walk him down those steps at Paradise.

Matt is a penguin guy and he gets a rose. After seeing Matt’s real hair, we can see why he chose the costume.

Grant comes in an ambulance and leaves broken hearted.

Anthony has two of the smallest stud earrings I’ve ever seen. They make his head look really big.

Jamey might be the guy that reffered to his hair and bone structure being perfect. It’s tough at this point because you know what they say, all white people look alike.

Jack Stone could be the only contestant ever to go by both his first and last name. Can you blame him? It’s a name that cuts glass. If Jack Stone can read even a lick, Jack Stone has a job on a news desk.

Mohit looks like a guy who would use a picture mark consualos on his tinder profile and disappoint hundreds of women when they show up to dates.

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He gets hammered drunk and actually provides some unintentionally hilarious commentary on Bryan and Rachel’s open mouth make out. But it’s not enough and we must say goodbye.

Jedidiah goes Biblical, and then he goes home without a rose.

Michael brings brownies and he’s a former NBA basketball player. Neither is enough to keep him around. Yikes.

Lucas Waboom leads with how his balls are different sizes. He kind of looks like he could be an illegitimate son of Tom Hanks. But we will never again think that because Tom is an American treasure and would never step out on his own Rachel.  Waboom wabooms like 10 times too many but that’s this show again, capturing the art of nuance. Somewhere there’s an editor who put this episode together and he’s dying because they made him keep all the wabooms. “I didn’t go to art school for this!!! ☹”

The Cocktail party follows exactly how you thought it would except for Blake E calling out Waboom. That’s like when you’re on the bus and two crazy drunk people start fighting and you’re just hoping your stop comes before one of them pees on your laptop.

The roses come out with Peter getting the first. Somehow Jonathan the tickler gets a rose and women everywhere instinctively make a wolverine fist with their keys. And of course Waboom gets the final rose.

We did it! Night one is in the books. My fingers are sweaty from writing. If you got this far, God bless you. The season looks to be a good one.

Keep foreverloving and tell your friends! We can change the world!

 

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