Sometimes it’s never who you think. You’re sitting there looking at a lineup while a cripple is burning people’s faces and shooting up boats. I think all of us have been sitting in our living rooms, drinking our pinot gris…pinot gris’s?…pinot gris, yelling at our screens, “You painful douchebag!!!! That hair!!!! The whining!!! Who does this??!!!!” And I think, we’ve been had. More on that later hashtag cliffhanger.

If you’re trying to win your way back into a reality dating game, you’ve gotta offer up something new. Talking in motivational bumper sticker slogans won’t get you back into the mansion. And I should know, I have reality dating show experience.

Hey, it’s Ellen! She’s delightful. I got in on Ellen early, watching her first show back in ’94. For those who haven’t seen it, I would describe it as a ground-breaking hit sitcom.

It gave us 90’s Jeremy Piven and Joely Fisher, who is Carrie Fisher’s half sister and a high-school crush of mine. You came here to learn, didn’t you.

Back to the future. Ellen serves as a vehicle for seeing the guys with their henleys off. Grandmas get dryhumped, dollars are shoved into pants. Fun for the whole family.

Day turns into night and the stage is set for a moment so awkward that knowing it was coming was enough to send the area of me that’s covered by a bathing suit into an intense clench. But it’s good because I don’t have to think about scheduling time to do my kegals.

There is heartbreak and the quietest elevator ride in history.

What’s this? Rachel’s brat pack is back and they’re taking a party bus to a tub full of mud clumps? This will be fun because the guys always take physical competition to far and somebody ends up in an ambulance. Oh wait, no this isn’t fun at all. This is the gayest thing I’ve seen on TV since the ground-breaking hit sitcom, Ellen. More kegals.

The guys get washed off and secrets are revealed. A Chip ‘n Dale walks among us.

Here’s a joke for you: A horse walks into a Beverly Hills boutique and then he poops on the floor. That’s my time guys, you’ve been a great audience.

Back at the house, a man is cracking. This game isn’t for everyone. There’s also a man who’s enjoying it all a little too much. More on that below.

Let’s take a closer look at how our guys did. And remember the key, guys who’ve just been kicked off are blue because they are super sad. Guys who’ve been gone a while are red because they’ve moved on to anger.

We don’t get a lot from Adam this week. I think he was wrestling and that one of Rachel’s friends thought he stood out. If this show was called, The Bachelorettes he might have a shot. But there’s more fat to trim so Adam is safe for another week.

 

Last week Alex sang a Russian love song. This week he loses himself in the act of dancing and puts his J in some poor grandmother’s face. Can we expect anything less from a man who grew up in Baryshnikov’s country? We also learned that Alex peed in the pool. This man is a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a really bad purple suit.

 

Anthony gets the one-on-one and decides skinny jeans are a good idea for riding a horse. Better hope he isn’t wearing Joe’s Jeans. I can’t count the heartbreaking blowouts I’ve had on my bicycle. We deserve stronger denim. It’s eff wording 2017! Rachel uses the horse as a metaphor for a successful relationship. They buy the world’s dumbest lettermen’s jackets with lips on the sleeves and Anthony’s horse poops in the store. Later, they enjoy an outdoor meal and a passionate kiss. Anthony is a nice guy with a good, smooth head on his shoulders. Watch for him to make it to hometowns.

 

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name. 

 

Finally, Brady gets a shoutout for his hair. And it was on DISPLAY this week. No doubt he was in the shower and thought, “I’m doing it. I’m gonna rinse and repeat and then rinse again.” We’ve all been there. He didn’t say a word but when you’re conditioned within an inch of your life, you don’t have to speak.

 

I’ve noticed something. It comes from having a keen eye and years of dissecting this stuff. Bryan mugs for the camera. He’s a front row guy. He tries. He succeeds but it’s by taking action. He’s chasing Rachel and so far it’s working. But, there’s another man we’ll look at down below who sits in the back row, doesn’t say much, and has enough of the it factor to be chased. Bryan better watch his back. He’s sprinted to a lead but there’s another, coasting behind him.

 

Bryce throws Eric under the party bus and he does it with the strangest face to hit television. It reminds me of those old slider books for kids that let you pick a hat, a face, and a body to make a hilarious combination. The lower half of Bryce’s face looks like somebody else’s. We’ve seen this before, we know it’s possible.

 

Dean keeps winning fans. Rachel’s friends pick him as the winner of the mud-date. I guess there’s just something about the guy.  He looks a little like he auditioned for the role of Zack Morris, but like last week. His look is a special brand of 90’s teen actor. I would buy that face as David Silver’s cousin from Phoenix who parties a little too hard and winds up dying of alcohol poisoning. The credits roll without any theme music and parents and teens are left to have a conversation about the dangers of drinking in the 90’s.

 

 

Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber. 

 

My sincerest apologies to Diggy. I thought he left night one and didn’t include him in last week’s recap. Diggy, I will work tirelessly to make this up to you and your family. And I’m still talking about it because there’s nothing else to say about you. Welcome.

 

We’ve seen it before, this is the Hunger Games of love. Some people just don’t have what it takes to be dropped into the fray. Eric is cracking and no amount of pool time and free scotch is going to keep him from blowing up. The other guys are like bees. They can smell fear and pounce on Eric. He ends up getting the group date rose but the joy is short lived as he ends the episode with a crazy rant. Could we see Rachel take back a rose? Has that ever happened???? What’s going to happen next Monday?

 

We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show. 

 

This is the face of desperation. Iggy is nowhere near any connection with Rachel, he hasn’t seen a cell phone or a TV show or even a book since arriving at the mansion. You can only swim so many laps in the pool before you start to get bored. So he inserts himself in a conversation Eric is having with whoever will listen and then brings that conversation up to Rachel because when you don’t have anything else to talk about, you grasp at straws. Iggy is not long for this game.

 

Jack Stone can wrestle a little.

 

Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody. 

 

You just have to shake your head. In fact, I’ll bet that’s exactly what you did just now when you saw Jonathan’s face. He keeps the cyborg theory going when he dances for what looks like the first time ever. Ellen is all over it and you can feel Rachel cringing. Maybe Jonathan isn’t a cyborg at all. This is like a homeless man’s Meet Joe Black situation. If Brad Pitt was death, maybe Jonathan is like, a really bad cold come to life to experience what it’s like to be human.

Sidenote: Meet Joe Black is one of those movies where I’m not sure the star even knew they were filming anything. It’s just Brad Pitt being Brad Pitt. He would’ve walked around blank faced, eating peanut butter even if there weren’t cameras around. So it worked out for everybody.

 

Not a big week for Josiah. He’s letting the crazy happen around him. Sound strategy.

 

Last week, Kenny the dad lost a challenge about being a dad. This week, Kenny the professional wrestler lost a challenge about wrestling. We learned that Kenny was a chip ‘dale in Vegas but he never hit the pole, instead it was all about the choreography for him. Makes me worried for what challenge we’ll have to watch him lose next week.

 

Lee is evil. He’s the kind of evil that if you met him in a private golf club’s pro shop and told him you know a guy who organizes hunting trips where the prey is a homeless man he wouldn’t pick up on the fact that you’re talking about that 1994 Ice T movie.

Lee takes pleasure in the pain of others and he’s super arrogant. He’s like Parker Posey’s character in Parks and Rec. “Oh look at Leslie, isn’t she trying so hard how cute is that!

Leslie’s face is all of us watching Lee.

 

“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring. 

 

“Matt?” – Blake E, out loud when Matt got his rose. Blake E. is now the mouthpiece for the nation. That one word sums up Matt’s journey on this show perfectly. Thanks again, Blake E.

 

Peter is the anti-Bryan. He’s happy in the back row. He doesn’t say much. He doesn’t try to kiss Rachel. According to the Ellen game, he hasn’t even thought about sleeping with Rachel. And Rachel is loving every second. Peter’s playing his own game, letting 19 other guys chase while he sits back and is chased. If he’s not the man for Rachel, he’ll be the man for America as the next Bachelor.

 

Turns out Will is on the show. Not only that, he suavely got some kissing in. I could see Will going pretty far in this thing. Don’t be surprised if we get to meet his family.

We get TBC’d again and it’s another week of waiting. Everybody say a silent prayer that DeMario has a roof over his head tonight and forever love yourselves until we talk again.

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