Special – Mailbag

Some people love basketball. Others like me live in a city whose basketball team was stolen.

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You can take the team, Oklahoma City, but you can not take the height of Eddie Johnson’s tube socks,

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or Ricky Pierce’s free throw percentage. You can’t take young Tom Chambers but if you need him, I guess we can give you old Patrick Ewing.

Point is, this past monday night, ABC thought it was a good idea to air the NBA finals instead of The Bachelorette. Apparently, they don’t care about those who follow a more important sport. The sport of the heart.

With nothing to cover I thought I’d get to some of the reader’s emails. It’s important to keep a finger on the pulse of the people. So here we go.

 

Jess M. Boulder, CO

What’s going on in Paradise? Twitter.com is blowing up with stories about misconduct.

Great question, Jess. It’s all any of us can think about right now. You know when you’re eating a bag of peanuts and one of them tastes like you’re going to have to go to the hospital? Imagine an entire sack of nuts. I wish there was a more concise way to type that, “Sack of nuts”, it just seems clunky. Anyway, take all those gross nuts nobody wanted and put them into one sack, then pour tequila into it. Bad things are bound to happen. That’s the power of metaphor.

 

Joe G. Seattle, WA

I really like optical illusions. I just think they’re so fun. Sometimes at parties I’ll run out to my car and grab my illusions binder and then I show it to people.

Not really a question but I’ll answer anyway. Yes, I think Bryce’s face would make more sense if you were looking at it upside down. Maybe it’s a, “do you see an old woman or a young woman” thing.

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I would try to see for myself but I’m not strong enough to lift my desktop computer and turn it upside down. There are cords that would get tangled and it would be a whole thing. Maybe send off for some gravity boots. Good for the core. I’ve solved all your problems.

 

Jan R. Carmel, IN

My lovely daughter is single. Who on this show would you set her up with?

Thanks, Jan. I would set your daughter up with the horse Rachel was riding on her one-on-one with Anthony. I would put your daughter on top of the horse and then I’d fire a gun into the air so the horse would run far away from all of these guys. On the way, the horse would trample Lee on the hair and the world would be better for it.

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Or Peter. He seems nice.

 

Carey B. Bellingham, WA

Sometimes I like to curl up with an International Coffee and a good book. Which authors inspire your writing?

I’m touched that you think I’ve read a book, which I have. It’s called Out of the Blue. So, I guess you could say my voice is a combination of Orel Hershiser and, With Jerry B. Jenkins.

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Linda S. Houston, TX

Who do you think is most likely to have googled, “how long can I practice my smile in the mirror before my friends start to think I have a mental problem?”

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Nick V. Los Angeles, CA

What should you do if you confused incompatibility for authenticity and proposed to the wrong woman who won’t leave her family in Montreal? And for poops and giggles, what happens if the woman you should’ve chosen is super charming and currently killing it on a hit reality dating show? Sorry before you answer I think I figured it out on my own. Is it, stare creepily at Mario Lopez being cool?

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No.

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Oh gosh. Chin up, buddy. Things are gonna be ok. Just promise me you won’t pose against a brick wall with glasses that don’t have a prescription.

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Awe screw it I can’t stay mad at you.

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We’re through.

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Gretchen B. Auckland, NZ

If Bachelor in Paradise is cancelled, what am I supposed to do with my summer? I proactively killed all my plants so I wouldn’t have to worry about watering them during B’s in P. ☹

Gretchen I’m sorry about your plants. I know that this is a hard time, for a lot of us. But I think that’s just how life works and if there’s one thing that I’ve always been able to turn to during times of despair, and I’m talking about the grim times when I didn’t see order in anything, when it felt like I had nothing and couldn’t find a way out, when words weren’t enough, when food lost its taste, when I couldn’t remember what I enjoyed doing even if it was only a few months ago, when the sun on my face was no longer warm, the thing that I could always count on and the thing I encourage you to do, is to watch Bachelor in Para…oh no.

 

Jessica U. San Diego, CA

I am committed to hosting viewing parties with my gal pals and the one gay I know. If B’s in P doesn’t come back, what should we watch?

Netflix has a ton of good shows and it’s super convenient. All you do is send them a list of titles you’d like to watch and then they send digital video disks straight to your mailbox. You watch them with your friends and then mail them back to Netflix when you’re done! In just a few days, more digital video disks arrive in your mailbox!

 

Let’s end on that happy note. I hope you all have wonderful weekends. Foreverlove the time and we’ll get back to normal this Monday night.

 

G

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